Dos and don’ts of taking another shot at marriage
Jul 02, 2010
Death, whether of a spouse or a marriage, is a sad affair indeed. But eventually, people have to rise up again, pick up their bits and pieces and live the rest of their lives in full.
By Vicky Wandawa
Death, whether of a spouse or a marriage, is a sad affair indeed. But eventually, people have to rise up again, pick up their bits and pieces and live the rest of their lives in full.
This comes with remarriage for some people. It seems like the obvious choice, but it has lots of hidden challenges.And there are conditions! Society, religion, culture and civil law have set conditions on remarriage. when, how and with what conditions depends on your religion, form of marriage, age, strength of spirit and peer influence.
Islam
Islam decrees that a woman who loses her husband, must spend four months and 10 days in his home before remarriage, says Sheikh Othman Alonga of the Saudi Cultural Centre.
“During which time, the widow has to be catered for by her late husband’s relatives. She is free to remarry as soon as the days are up,†he says. This is done so that the widow does not move on with a pregnancy, he explains
Men, on the other hand, are free to remarry as soon as they please, even hours after their wife has been buried, he says. However, the Sheikh warns, the man should consider the opinion of society lest they say he wanted his wife dead. In case of divorce, Alonga says after the final decision to divorce has been made, a woman has to wait three months before she can leave her husband’s house.
“Within the three months, the woman is expected to have three menstrual periods,†the sheikh says. “This is to ensure that she hasn’t conceived from a breaking marriage. Islam wants to ensure that women don’t remarry while pregnant with their ex husband’s child and give the child a wrong identity.â€
After a Muslim man divorces his wife but later decides to marry her again, the remarriage is not allowed unless the woman marries another man first. “The divorced woman must first marry another man and divorce him in order to remarry her former husband,†Alonga explains.
Pentecostal Church
Pastor Solomon Male of Arising for Christ Church says divorced people are not allowed to remarry. “The Bible teaches against remarriage following divorce and clearly warns that those who divorce and remarry commit adultery. Following divorce, unless the two Christians opt to reconcile, the Christian law requires them to remain single.â€
Male, however, adds that the bible encourages those whose spouses die to remarry, but it does not specify a time limit. “All that matters is consent. At our church, we don’t have strict considerations of the time taken after bereavement.â€
Catholic Church
The Catholic Church considers marriage a divine sacrament and does not permit divorce. If divorce is done in a civil court and the two people go ahead and remarry, the Catholic Church does not recognise that marriage.
However, it recognises that marriage can turn sour and advises couples to separate for a while to rediscover their attachment. It also advises that if people insist on divorce, they should later try to reconcile or stay single for the rest of their lives.
But Fr. Paul Sebitoogo of St Paul’s Catholic Church, Mukono, says there are instances when remarriage is acceptable. “Remarriage is only acceptable when the cause of the divorce was present before the two parties got married. For example, if it is proved that one of the partners cannot procreate and they had that condition before the marriage, the other party is allowed to seek divorce and remarry.â€
An unconsummated marriage can also be stopped. If one can prove that the couple has not had sex, the Canon law allows a marriage that hasn’t been consummated to be stopped.
Other conditions include the marriage being declared null and void, like when one of the partners was already married or under celibate vows at the time of marriage. Remarriage after death is allowed and encouraged without any restrictions. But the church advises the bereaved to seek counselling and include the main stakeholders in the decision.
Church of Uganda
The Vicar of All Saints Cathedral Kampala, Reverend Diana Nkesiga, also says remarriage after bereavement is encouraged but advises that rushing into it may complicate the grieving process.
“When you rush, you are being unfair to yourself and to the person you marry because then, you are not done grieving and you probably will start drawing comparisons with your earlier marriage, making the other person jealous,†she says.
“At All Saints, when you lose a spouse and return for remarriage after about one year, you are subjected to counselling, to see whether you truly have dealt with your grief.â€
Nkesiga adds that the church does not permit remarriage following divorce. “Even when a couple separates a few days after marriage and one of them co-habits with an ex, the spouse left behind is not allowed to remarry until their wedded spouse passes on.â€
Such instances, Nkesiga says, have attracted debate, but nonetheless, the current position of the Church of Uganda is that a divorcee does not to remarry until the partner passes on.
However, if the marriage is annulled, remarriage in church is acceptable. Nullification occurs when the couple has not consummated the marriage, for example in cases of impotence, one or both of the partners lied that they were not married before, and in case of insanity; say if it is proven that one of the partners was insane before the vows were made.
Civil law
The authority to wed is vested in the Government and its department at the district. But Government can allow other organisations like churches, mosques or cultural institutions to wed people on its behalf.
Deogratius Odokel, a lawyer, says as long as one is of sound mind, they can get married and remarry, in a civil arrangement provided they do not commit bigamy. Bigamy is being married under any of the forms of marriage and then going ahead to celebrate another marriage while there is a subsisting marriage, Odokel explains.
If say you wedded in church, and you followed it with another marriage at the RDC (civil) or under the customary arrangement, you are guilty of bigamy. Civil marriage is conducted by the registrar of marriages or his appointed deputies at the district. The law requires the two to have their names on the notice boards for 21 days before they can marry. The law allows one to divorce after a church wedding and go for a civil marriage?
“Under law, you can remarry as soon as you wish to, but this gets sensitive when it comes to death because society may judge that you wished your spouse dead if you remarried soon after. Nevertheless, they are free to marry as soon as they see it befitting,†Odokel explains.
However, if they are to remarry in church, the law requires them to fulfil the requirements of the church they have gone to.
Customary
Every culture has a way it handles remarriage. In Buganda, you can remarry as soon as the funeral rites are done, which signifies the official end of the mourning period.
According to Aloysius Matovu, funeral rites are supposed to be held four to six months after burial. “But today, people want to save money and sometimes hold funeral rites even a day after the burial,†Matovu, an artiste, explains.
He says in Buganda culture, it is believed that the spirit of the dead can return to torment the living spouse sexually, especially widows who have moved on to remarry. “So, during the burial, a widow is expected to pad herself and as soon as the body is put to rest, they are supposed to find a latrine they are sure they will never use, dump the pad and walk away, and never look back.â€
Nonetheless, Matovu points out that in spite of the cultural freedom to remarry after funeral rites, it is advisable to take at least a year before marrying again lest you be suspected of having wished your partner dead or even worse, had a hand in their death.
Ethical considerations
Ruth Matoya, a psychologist at Healing Talk Counselling Services, acknowledges that losing a partner hurts to the core of the heart. “Those who decide to remarry should consider the grieving process. People grieve differently depending on their relationship with the deceased, the age of the person and the social responsibility he/she has. So you cannot set a particular time limit as to when one can remarry.â€
She also points out that rushing into another marriage has consequences such as unresolved grief, which is more like carrying a burden into the next marriage, particularly if the new partner does not provide support.
Matoya also warns of stigmatization especially of women who may be considered loose or immoral, for rushing into another marriage or being considered a bad omen (that they cause the death of husbands).
It is advisable that you consult your children if they are adults, but inform them if they are still young. Handle the issue of in-laws delicately and do not cut off the relationship with them.
Above all, do what you think is good for you and your offspring. It is your life and you live it once.
Tips
Statistics show that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. So you need all the determination to make it succeed.
Take your time. Don’t rush into serious relationships.
You don’t want to fail twice.
Reflect: Why are you marrying again? Is it for financial support? Wrong reason! Is it for emotional support? Or companionship? Take time to study your partner. Don’t use the criteria you used at your first marriage (hand some, figure). Look now at how your potential spouse deals with stress, your children, his/her family.
If both of you have children, discuss their position, rights and duties before you commit. Get ready for the step children. Learn how to compromise and do it to the best of your ability. Don't try to be a super-stepparent.
You won't succeed. Set ground rules about children.
Discuss money and property before you marry. It should be clear whether your prior assets will be for the previous family or passed on to all children, including the new ones. Having it written down helps a lot.
The role of the ex and previous in-laws: Respect the ex especially when they must visit the children but don’t get as close as hanging out. Boundaries of the extent your ex should be involved in the family should be discussed early and often. Stick to the agreed position.
Be humorous. Humour has a way of warming you to step children, new in-laws and difficult times.
Always be honest, you will start receiving it in the end.
New beginning: Try not to compare past relationships to the new one. Never make your spouse’s remarriage an issue during squabbles, like commenting during every quarrel, that that is why they failed in the first marriage.
Reference points for remarriage
Make sure the first relationship really ended: Rebounds in marriage can be painful. You need to know why your partner is remarrying, the relationship with the ex and whether there are unresolved issues.
Understand your mistakes. Figure out your weaknesses and mistakes made in your first marriage. Learn from them and try to avoid them in your second marriage.
Make sure you are emotionally ready for a new marriage.
Consider financial, social and geographical implications.
Be honest about your fears and hopes without fear of failure or getting hurt, to build a successful relationship.
Seek objective counselling to understand your suppressed concerns and how to deal with them.
Consider it a fresh start. Don’t approach marriage as if you already know all about it. Partners aren’t the same.
Avoid prejudices and pessimism.
Develop new routines. Get out of your first marriage rut by developing new habits and traditions to make your new marriage different. Actively avoid what could remind you of the previous failed relationship.
Deal with money issues. Make sure issues of child support, property sharing and investments are settled to the satisfaction of all stakeholders.
Leave negativity behind. Success is not avoiding falling but falling and getting up again. Don’t live like you are afraid of failing again.
Keep your lines of communication open. Without good communication, there is a chance that you will start having problems. You need to be seen in harmony much more than it was required before.
Etiquette at your wedding
Don’t invite your ex or their close family to the wedding
Keep it simple. Holding a flashy wedding might imply you are doing it for wrong reasons
Don’t hold the wedding in the same place you wedded before; you need fresh memories
Don’t refer to your exes during the speeches
If the former partner is deceased, you should say a prayer or have a moment of silence for him/her
Let your partner/families/friends know it is not your first marriage
Involve children from all sides equally; let them use it as a chance to bond
Don’t fundraise if you have been married twice before
A honeymoon is important to help launch you into the new life with determination
Death, whether of a spouse or a marriage, is a sad affair indeed. But eventually, people have to rise up again, pick up their bits and pieces and live the rest of their lives in full.
This comes with remarriage for some people. It seems like the obvious choice, but it has lots of hidden challenges.And there are conditions! Society, religion, culture and civil law have set conditions on remarriage. when, how and with what conditions depends on your religion, form of marriage, age, strength of spirit and peer influence.
Islam
Islam decrees that a woman who loses her husband, must spend four months and 10 days in his home before remarriage, says Sheikh Othman Alonga of the Saudi Cultural Centre.
“During which time, the widow has to be catered for by her late husband’s relatives. She is free to remarry as soon as the days are up,†he says. This is done so that the widow does not move on with a pregnancy, he explains
Men, on the other hand, are free to remarry as soon as they please, even hours after their wife has been buried, he says. However, the Sheikh warns, the man should consider the opinion of society lest they say he wanted his wife dead. In case of divorce, Alonga says after the final decision to divorce has been made, a woman has to wait three months before she can leave her husband’s house.
“Within the three months, the woman is expected to have three menstrual periods,†the sheikh says. “This is to ensure that she hasn’t conceived from a breaking marriage. Islam wants to ensure that women don’t remarry while pregnant with their ex husband’s child and give the child a wrong identity.â€
After a Muslim man divorces his wife but later decides to marry her again, the remarriage is not allowed unless the woman marries another man first. “The divorced woman must first marry another man and divorce him in order to remarry her former husband,†Alonga explains.
Pentecostal Church
Pastor Solomon Male of Arising for Christ Church says divorced people are not allowed to remarry. “The Bible teaches against remarriage following divorce and clearly warns that those who divorce and remarry commit adultery. Following divorce, unless the two Christians opt to reconcile, the Christian law requires them to remain single.â€
Male, however, adds that the bible encourages those whose spouses die to remarry, but it does not specify a time limit. “All that matters is consent. At our church, we don’t have strict considerations of the time taken after bereavement.â€
Catholic Church
The Catholic Church considers marriage a divine sacrament and does not permit divorce. If divorce is done in a civil court and the two people go ahead and remarry, the Catholic Church does not recognise that marriage.
However, it recognises that marriage can turn sour and advises couples to separate for a while to rediscover their attachment. It also advises that if people insist on divorce, they should later try to reconcile or stay single for the rest of their lives.
But Fr. Paul Sebitoogo of St Paul’s Catholic Church, Mukono, says there are instances when remarriage is acceptable. “Remarriage is only acceptable when the cause of the divorce was present before the two parties got married. For example, if it is proved that one of the partners cannot procreate and they had that condition before the marriage, the other party is allowed to seek divorce and remarry.â€
An unconsummated marriage can also be stopped. If one can prove that the couple has not had sex, the Canon law allows a marriage that hasn’t been consummated to be stopped.
Other conditions include the marriage being declared null and void, like when one of the partners was already married or under celibate vows at the time of marriage. Remarriage after death is allowed and encouraged without any restrictions. But the church advises the bereaved to seek counselling and include the main stakeholders in the decision.
Church of Uganda
The Vicar of All Saints Cathedral Kampala, Reverend Diana Nkesiga, also says remarriage after bereavement is encouraged but advises that rushing into it may complicate the grieving process.
“When you rush, you are being unfair to yourself and to the person you marry because then, you are not done grieving and you probably will start drawing comparisons with your earlier marriage, making the other person jealous,†she says.
“At All Saints, when you lose a spouse and return for remarriage after about one year, you are subjected to counselling, to see whether you truly have dealt with your grief.â€
Nkesiga adds that the church does not permit remarriage following divorce. “Even when a couple separates a few days after marriage and one of them co-habits with an ex, the spouse left behind is not allowed to remarry until their wedded spouse passes on.â€
Such instances, Nkesiga says, have attracted debate, but nonetheless, the current position of the Church of Uganda is that a divorcee does not to remarry until the partner passes on.
However, if the marriage is annulled, remarriage in church is acceptable. Nullification occurs when the couple has not consummated the marriage, for example in cases of impotence, one or both of the partners lied that they were not married before, and in case of insanity; say if it is proven that one of the partners was insane before the vows were made.
Civil law
The authority to wed is vested in the Government and its department at the district. But Government can allow other organisations like churches, mosques or cultural institutions to wed people on its behalf.
Deogratius Odokel, a lawyer, says as long as one is of sound mind, they can get married and remarry, in a civil arrangement provided they do not commit bigamy. Bigamy is being married under any of the forms of marriage and then going ahead to celebrate another marriage while there is a subsisting marriage, Odokel explains.
If say you wedded in church, and you followed it with another marriage at the RDC (civil) or under the customary arrangement, you are guilty of bigamy. Civil marriage is conducted by the registrar of marriages or his appointed deputies at the district. The law requires the two to have their names on the notice boards for 21 days before they can marry. The law allows one to divorce after a church wedding and go for a civil marriage?
“Under law, you can remarry as soon as you wish to, but this gets sensitive when it comes to death because society may judge that you wished your spouse dead if you remarried soon after. Nevertheless, they are free to marry as soon as they see it befitting,†Odokel explains.
However, if they are to remarry in church, the law requires them to fulfil the requirements of the church they have gone to.
Customary
Every culture has a way it handles remarriage. In Buganda, you can remarry as soon as the funeral rites are done, which signifies the official end of the mourning period.
According to Aloysius Matovu, funeral rites are supposed to be held four to six months after burial. “But today, people want to save money and sometimes hold funeral rites even a day after the burial,†Matovu, an artiste, explains.
He says in Buganda culture, it is believed that the spirit of the dead can return to torment the living spouse sexually, especially widows who have moved on to remarry. “So, during the burial, a widow is expected to pad herself and as soon as the body is put to rest, they are supposed to find a latrine they are sure they will never use, dump the pad and walk away, and never look back.â€
Nonetheless, Matovu points out that in spite of the cultural freedom to remarry after funeral rites, it is advisable to take at least a year before marrying again lest you be suspected of having wished your partner dead or even worse, had a hand in their death.
Ethical considerations
Ruth Matoya, a psychologist at Healing Talk Counselling Services, acknowledges that losing a partner hurts to the core of the heart. “Those who decide to remarry should consider the grieving process. People grieve differently depending on their relationship with the deceased, the age of the person and the social responsibility he/she has. So you cannot set a particular time limit as to when one can remarry.â€
She also points out that rushing into another marriage has consequences such as unresolved grief, which is more like carrying a burden into the next marriage, particularly if the new partner does not provide support.
Matoya also warns of stigmatization especially of women who may be considered loose or immoral, for rushing into another marriage or being considered a bad omen (that they cause the death of husbands).
It is advisable that you consult your children if they are adults, but inform them if they are still young. Handle the issue of in-laws delicately and do not cut off the relationship with them.
Above all, do what you think is good for you and your offspring. It is your life and you live it once.
Tips
Statistics show that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. So you need all the determination to make it succeed.
Take your time. Don’t rush into serious relationships.
You don’t want to fail twice.
Reflect: Why are you marrying again? Is it for financial support? Wrong reason! Is it for emotional support? Or companionship? Take time to study your partner. Don’t use the criteria you used at your first marriage (hand some, figure). Look now at how your potential spouse deals with stress, your children, his/her family.
If both of you have children, discuss their position, rights and duties before you commit. Get ready for the step children. Learn how to compromise and do it to the best of your ability. Don't try to be a super-stepparent.
You won't succeed. Set ground rules about children.
Discuss money and property before you marry. It should be clear whether your prior assets will be for the previous family or passed on to all children, including the new ones. Having it written down helps a lot.
The role of the ex and previous in-laws: Respect the ex especially when they must visit the children but don’t get as close as hanging out. Boundaries of the extent your ex should be involved in the family should be discussed early and often. Stick to the agreed position.
Be humorous. Humour has a way of warming you to step children, new in-laws and difficult times.
Always be honest, you will start receiving it in the end.
New beginning: Try not to compare past relationships to the new one. Never make your spouse’s remarriage an issue during squabbles, like commenting during every quarrel, that that is why they failed in the first marriage.
Reference points for remarriage
Make sure the first relationship really ended: Rebounds in marriage can be painful. You need to know why your partner is remarrying, the relationship with the ex and whether there are unresolved issues.
Understand your mistakes. Figure out your weaknesses and mistakes made in your first marriage. Learn from them and try to avoid them in your second marriage.
Make sure you are emotionally ready for a new marriage.
Consider financial, social and geographical implications.
Be honest about your fears and hopes without fear of failure or getting hurt, to build a successful relationship.
Seek objective counselling to understand your suppressed concerns and how to deal with them.
Consider it a fresh start. Don’t approach marriage as if you already know all about it. Partners aren’t the same.
Avoid prejudices and pessimism.
Develop new routines. Get out of your first marriage rut by developing new habits and traditions to make your new marriage different. Actively avoid what could remind you of the previous failed relationship.
Deal with money issues. Make sure issues of child support, property sharing and investments are settled to the satisfaction of all stakeholders.
Leave negativity behind. Success is not avoiding falling but falling and getting up again. Don’t live like you are afraid of failing again.
Keep your lines of communication open. Without good communication, there is a chance that you will start having problems. You need to be seen in harmony much more than it was required before.
Etiquette at your wedding
Don’t invite your ex or their close family to the wedding
Keep it simple. Holding a flashy wedding might imply you are doing it for wrong reasons
Don’t hold the wedding in the same place you wedded before; you need fresh memories
Don’t refer to your exes during the speeches
If the former partner is deceased, you should say a prayer or have a moment of silence for him/her
Let your partner/families/friends know it is not your first marriage
Involve children from all sides equally; let them use it as a chance to bond
Don’t fundraise if you have been married twice before
A honeymoon is important to help launch you into the new life with determination