There is a new world order in love

It takes a total man to treat his wife as an equal partner

By Vicky Wandawa

GODFREY Makumbi’s wife gave up on the marriage and returned to her parents’ house. Makumbi, 46, asked her to come back. Sadly, his in-laws pounced on him and beat to within an inch of his life. They then made a statement that it was mistaken identity.

They’d thought he was a robber and had beaten him in self defence.

The parents of Grace Nansikombi, Makumbi’s wife, supported her return home to keep her safe from an abusive husband.
In the past, it was taboo for a woman to abandon her marital home. She was destined to withstand whatever miseries there were in her marital life including battering, humiliation and enslavement.

In Busoga, when a girl was married off, her bed in her parent’s house was hacked into pieces, a mark that her departure was irreversible.

For extreme cases where any woman had to divorce, the parents had to refund the dowry and live with the stigma that girls from their family are unmanageable.

But winds of change are blowing. Society no longer stigmatizes women who abandon their marriages. women know their rights, are empowered, educated and have means to sustain themselves without need for support of the man.

Many actually opt out of marriage to become single mothers. And men who harass their wives risk Makumbi’s fate. Not that Makumbi’s death is justifiable, but it leaves some lessons.
Basically, there is a new world order.

The status quo has changed. You must change too and start making wives comfortable enough to remain in marriage.

The factors that used to intimidate wives from leaving husbands are gone.

To keep them, make the home their home; peaceful and meaningful to their aspirations.
This may include attaching greater value to your wives and treating them as partners, not as subordinates.

Sheila Kawamara, a renowned women activist, says: “Women today have choices; we can decide where and what we want to be. The very choices open to men are also open to women. So men need to realize this.”
Kawamara, the chairperson of Uganda Women’ Network (UWONET), adds that some men have realised that women can take control of their lives and are according their wives more respect.

However, she says, there are still those who have not grasped the aspect and, in fact, are terrified by it.

But as women increasingly get to know their rights, men will have to shape up, she said.
“If a woman is in control of herself, a man won’t be able to control her or abuse her, and sadly, many men are afraid of women who are in control!”

Catherine Mugisha Rwanika, a married woman, adds that days when wives had to agree to whatever their husbands ordered are waning.

“Woe to men who have such expectations! It’s no longer a one man show. Dialogue and consensus are important.”

The alternative for men who do not want to change, is to end the marriage.

Mugisha explains that presently, women are exposed to the same opportunities, hence husbands should treat their wives as partners.
“We have been to class together, are equally exposed, why would you think you are better than me? Simply because you were declared male at birth?” Mugisha wonders.

She strongly notes that it takes a total man to accept that his wife is an equal partner and treat her so. “Men who do otherwise are insecure. Total men should respect and support their wives.”

In support of Mugisha, one single parent says: “We (single mothers) are many. We have stood on our own and succeeded in bringing up our children. What’s more, society has accepted us as we are! So, women no longer need men to define their success.”

However, she quickly adds that she is not advocating women abandoning their marriages. “But it pays to be empowered, educated and self sustaining, in case of a sour marriage. You will not stand battering of a philandering man because you can leave and still be successful.”

The single mother, who refused to be identified, says she left her marriage because of domestic violence.

“I didn’t want to bring my children up under such circumstances. They are doing well and it’s my joy. It wasn’t easy and that goes to show that we women can also handle difficult tasks.”

Paul Kisakye of Kansanga concedes that men should respect their wives as equal partners.

“We are not in the old days when women literally had no life after marriage but us. This is a new world order where women contribute as much to the marriage. They deserve respect. Treat your better halves better lest you end up solitary,” he warns.