Tell her about your kids
Dec 17, 2010
YOU have met lots of ladies who seem interested in you, but something’s holding you back from commitment.
By Michael Kanaabi
YOU have met lots of ladies who seem interested in you, but something’s holding you back from commitment.
This, especially, happens when things start to get serious because you have a child or children from a previous relationship and think your new catch will not be comfortable with it. So you choose not to tell her and with time, you end the relationship.
Jimmy, a lawyer, is preparing for his introduction but he has not told his fiance about his child, while David, an events manager met, dated and married his lady without saying a word. Several years and two children later, he is still holding onto his secret. The price they are paying is living the guilt and the fear of someone letting the cat out of the bag. So this Christmas, make honesty your gift to her.
When do you tell her?
Ronald, 28, a teacher, says: “Our relationship had reached a level where I thought it was time for me to propose, which I did and she accepted. In the midst of all this excitement, I put a big ‘BUT’, and confessed that I had a child from a previous relationship.â€
It came as a surprise, but we were all in high spirits over the proposal and she said she was okay with it, after moments of deep thought. But it bounced back a few days later and I had to reassure her.
Ruth Senyonyi, a marriage counsellor, says the best time to talk about it is at the beginning of the relationship and that the longer you hold onto it, the harder it becomes to reveal.
How do you tell her?
You should get a time when your girlfriend or spouse is in a good mood, you are away from crowds and are sure no one will interrupt or eavesdrop on your private conversation, advises Anita Karugaba, a psychologist.
She says the environment and mood can influence the decisions one takes and the more interesting and happy they are, the more likely one’s decision is to turn out positive.
Alternatively, Senyonyi says, one can write a letter to their fiancée or spouse if they find it difficult to face them. Another option would be to enlist the help of someone close to you who is also respected by your girlfriend or wife, she adds.
The person should be able to make your case and back you up incase of anything.
Advantages of coming clean
Freedom from the guilt of holding onto this secret is one of the key advantages, according to Senyonyi.
She cautions, however, that you should be ready to accept her decision whether she decides to go on with you or not.
Karugaba adds that this confession lays a foundation of trust for your relationship. “Your fiancée is likely to trust you more if she really loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with you.â€
This also prevents future conflicts in your relationship that are likely to result out of a delayed confession, Senyonyi adds.
The consequences of staying silent
Someone else might tell her and your relationship is likely change after that, says Senyonyi.
To her, this may mean you are holding onto many other equally painful or even worse secrets, according Karugaba, so she becomes suspicious of everything about you and your relationship with her.
Mistrust will have come to fore and once this creeps into the relationship, it is likely to suck life out of it and finally destroy it, she adds.
On your side, the guilt will keep eating you up and may turn into dangerous disorders like depression, suicidal tendencies and physical ailments if held on to for a long time.
Senyonyi concludes that it is best and only fair to be open about the child or children because it gives your fiancée an opportunity to take an informed decision about a life commitment.
YOU have met lots of ladies who seem interested in you, but something’s holding you back from commitment.
This, especially, happens when things start to get serious because you have a child or children from a previous relationship and think your new catch will not be comfortable with it. So you choose not to tell her and with time, you end the relationship.
Jimmy, a lawyer, is preparing for his introduction but he has not told his fiance about his child, while David, an events manager met, dated and married his lady without saying a word. Several years and two children later, he is still holding onto his secret. The price they are paying is living the guilt and the fear of someone letting the cat out of the bag. So this Christmas, make honesty your gift to her.
When do you tell her?
Ronald, 28, a teacher, says: “Our relationship had reached a level where I thought it was time for me to propose, which I did and she accepted. In the midst of all this excitement, I put a big ‘BUT’, and confessed that I had a child from a previous relationship.â€
It came as a surprise, but we were all in high spirits over the proposal and she said she was okay with it, after moments of deep thought. But it bounced back a few days later and I had to reassure her.
Ruth Senyonyi, a marriage counsellor, says the best time to talk about it is at the beginning of the relationship and that the longer you hold onto it, the harder it becomes to reveal.
How do you tell her?
You should get a time when your girlfriend or spouse is in a good mood, you are away from crowds and are sure no one will interrupt or eavesdrop on your private conversation, advises Anita Karugaba, a psychologist.
She says the environment and mood can influence the decisions one takes and the more interesting and happy they are, the more likely one’s decision is to turn out positive.
Alternatively, Senyonyi says, one can write a letter to their fiancée or spouse if they find it difficult to face them. Another option would be to enlist the help of someone close to you who is also respected by your girlfriend or wife, she adds.
The person should be able to make your case and back you up incase of anything.
Advantages of coming clean
Freedom from the guilt of holding onto this secret is one of the key advantages, according to Senyonyi.
She cautions, however, that you should be ready to accept her decision whether she decides to go on with you or not.
Karugaba adds that this confession lays a foundation of trust for your relationship. “Your fiancée is likely to trust you more if she really loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with you.â€
This also prevents future conflicts in your relationship that are likely to result out of a delayed confession, Senyonyi adds.
The consequences of staying silent
Someone else might tell her and your relationship is likely change after that, says Senyonyi.
To her, this may mean you are holding onto many other equally painful or even worse secrets, according Karugaba, so she becomes suspicious of everything about you and your relationship with her.
Mistrust will have come to fore and once this creeps into the relationship, it is likely to suck life out of it and finally destroy it, she adds.
On your side, the guilt will keep eating you up and may turn into dangerous disorders like depression, suicidal tendencies and physical ailments if held on to for a long time.
Senyonyi concludes that it is best and only fair to be open about the child or children because it gives your fiancée an opportunity to take an informed decision about a life commitment.