Why trivial things destroy relationships
Jan 02, 2003
It’s often the trivial things which cause a marriage to collapse. A psychologist, Andrew Marshall, discovers that applying a radial business theory can help
It’s often the trivial things which cause a marriage to collapse. A psychologist, Andrew Marshall, discovers that applying a radial business theory can help
When a relationship is in crisis, we think we need to make a big effort to get big resul-ts. We listen to our partner’s complaints and moan: “But you want me to be a totally different person.†Often, we vow to try harder and be more thoughtful, more open, more supportive. For the first few days, everybody’s behaviour is perfect, but this does not last.
The result is more bitterness and depression.
According to the new business bible The Tipping Point (written by Malcom Gladwell and published by Abacus), we do not need to redouble our efforts to change in a corporate context. Gladwell’s premise is this: “We have an instinctive disdain for simple solutions. There is something in all of us that feels true answers have to be comprehensive.’ He goes on to praise the Band-Aid Solution –– tightly focused and targeted interventions: “Critics use it as a term of disparagement. But Band-Aids have allowed millions to keep on working or playing when they would otherwise have had to stop.â€
I believe the same principle might be applied to relationships.
When relationships are not satisfactory, the answer is not to try harder, but to think smarter. The first step is to understand the laws of change. Gladwell examines how ideas catch on and describes the moment when something crosses over from specialist to mainstream as the ‘tipping point’. Gladwell claims that: “One imaginative person applying a well-placed lever can change the world.†As a psychologist who counsels couples in crisis, I thoug-ht the theory of The Tipp-ing Point might also help explain how relationships can slip almost overnight from OK to poisonous.
In some interviews, I always asked couples when their difficulties started, mainly to identify the classic life changes that put relationships at risk: childbirth, bereavement, moving house and redundancy. However, on analysing the responses, these rarely came up. Most couples did not even agree on the timing of their negative tipping point –– the point at which the relationship went from satisfactory to unhappy. Yet if I asked why previous major relationships had failed, the majority did refer to these substantial life changes.
Could it be that we retrospectively attach big issues to a relationship breakdown because it makes sense of the big changes in our lives? After all, who would admit to getting divorced because their partner insisted on dunking their toast in their morning coffee?
The Tipping Point theory, however, would suggest that a build-up of what my clients call ‘stupid things’ are the real causes of marital breakdown. The key idea is that little things can make a big difference.
The book offers an example of cleaning graffiti off the subway trains in New York. More people travelled on the network once the graffiti had been removed.
A virtuous circle had been established. At first sight this was profoundly depressing: my clients seemed trapped in a downward spiral where ‘forgetting to defrost the fridge’ could seed a divorce. So instead of concentrating on major issues, I decided to focus on the little things.
Julia and Graham were in their thirties, and their most common argument was about cleaning their young children’s shoes. She nagged and he could not understand the fuss.
Under this seemingly trivial dispute, we found two further layers. First, Julia’s father had always cleaned her shoes and therefore she believed that good fathers did the same. However, Graham had been brought up to be self-reliant and clean his own shoes.
Secondly, the shoes represented their attitudes to bringing up their children. She wanted to nurture them, while he wanted to make them self-sufficient. Once we had this insight, not only did the shoes cease to be an issue, but we began building a virtuous circle.
The two key elements identified by Gladwell for reaching a positive tipping point are the ‘law of the few’ and the ‘stickiness factor’. The first undermines an old myth about relationships: that both halves of the couple have to want to change.
Economists talk about the 80/20 principle –– the idea that roughly 80% of the ‘work’ is done by 20% of the participants: 20%of criminals commit 80% of crime, 20% of motorists cause 80% of accidents, and so on. It is the same in relationships.
Often a couple arrives in counselling because one half, who used to be resp-onsible for the relationship glue, has given up.
Paula, a 37-year-old recruitment consultant, was typical. “Why should I make all the effort? Jake made no effort to fulfil my needs, so I just withdrew.†I sympathised with both Paula and Jake: in their different ways, they both felt unappreciated.
After several weeks, I threw my hands up and asked: “Do you want to be right or happy?†The next week they came back smiling. Paula had been less critical of Jake, and he had been more willing to talk and listen.
They had achieved a positive tipping point, but it had been up to Paula to take the initiative. However, she was so pleased, it ceased to matter that she had made 80% of the initial effort, because both were now contributing equally.
Why are some messages heard, while others fall on deaf ears? The second law, identified –– ‘stickiness factor’, might explain it. Sometimes, tinkering with the way a message is delivered can make it stick. If someone is not listening to us, we find more dramatic ways to get their attention: shouting, tantrums, threats and walking out.
However, small changes are often more effective. Since discovering The Tipping Point, I have spent more time getting clients to ‘reframe’ their messages to each other, rather than forever upping the same ineffective stakes.
At the end of counselling, my clients are often astounded by how much was changed by so little. Robin and Tamara, two teachers in their 40s, are typical. “Instead of stomping off, I learnt to stand up for myself verbally,’ says Robin.
While Tamara learnt almost the opposite. “I thought I listened, but if he said something I didn’t want to hear, I interrupted.†These small but effective changes meant that they dealt better with their major life issues without needing to bring them to counselling. They had dramatically improved their communication skills with one small key intervention.
If your partnership has turned sour, it’s worrying when you find yourself unable to put your finger on the exact cause. But you are not alone. Most couples reach the same place through a build-up of toxic small things. But tipping the relationship back into the positive might be easier than you think.
Guardian
When a relationship is in crisis, we think we need to make a big effort to get big resul-ts. We listen to our partner’s complaints and moan: “But you want me to be a totally different person.†Often, we vow to try harder and be more thoughtful, more open, more supportive. For the first few days, everybody’s behaviour is perfect, but this does not last.
The result is more bitterness and depression.
According to the new business bible The Tipping Point (written by Malcom Gladwell and published by Abacus), we do not need to redouble our efforts to change in a corporate context. Gladwell’s premise is this: “We have an instinctive disdain for simple solutions. There is something in all of us that feels true answers have to be comprehensive.’ He goes on to praise the Band-Aid Solution –– tightly focused and targeted interventions: “Critics use it as a term of disparagement. But Band-Aids have allowed millions to keep on working or playing when they would otherwise have had to stop.â€
I believe the same principle might be applied to relationships.
When relationships are not satisfactory, the answer is not to try harder, but to think smarter. The first step is to understand the laws of change. Gladwell examines how ideas catch on and describes the moment when something crosses over from specialist to mainstream as the ‘tipping point’. Gladwell claims that: “One imaginative person applying a well-placed lever can change the world.†As a psychologist who counsels couples in crisis, I thoug-ht the theory of The Tipp-ing Point might also help explain how relationships can slip almost overnight from OK to poisonous.
In some interviews, I always asked couples when their difficulties started, mainly to identify the classic life changes that put relationships at risk: childbirth, bereavement, moving house and redundancy. However, on analysing the responses, these rarely came up. Most couples did not even agree on the timing of their negative tipping point –– the point at which the relationship went from satisfactory to unhappy. Yet if I asked why previous major relationships had failed, the majority did refer to these substantial life changes.
Could it be that we retrospectively attach big issues to a relationship breakdown because it makes sense of the big changes in our lives? After all, who would admit to getting divorced because their partner insisted on dunking their toast in their morning coffee?
The Tipping Point theory, however, would suggest that a build-up of what my clients call ‘stupid things’ are the real causes of marital breakdown. The key idea is that little things can make a big difference.
The book offers an example of cleaning graffiti off the subway trains in New York. More people travelled on the network once the graffiti had been removed.
A virtuous circle had been established. At first sight this was profoundly depressing: my clients seemed trapped in a downward spiral where ‘forgetting to defrost the fridge’ could seed a divorce. So instead of concentrating on major issues, I decided to focus on the little things.
Julia and Graham were in their thirties, and their most common argument was about cleaning their young children’s shoes. She nagged and he could not understand the fuss.
Under this seemingly trivial dispute, we found two further layers. First, Julia’s father had always cleaned her shoes and therefore she believed that good fathers did the same. However, Graham had been brought up to be self-reliant and clean his own shoes.
Secondly, the shoes represented their attitudes to bringing up their children. She wanted to nurture them, while he wanted to make them self-sufficient. Once we had this insight, not only did the shoes cease to be an issue, but we began building a virtuous circle.
The two key elements identified by Gladwell for reaching a positive tipping point are the ‘law of the few’ and the ‘stickiness factor’. The first undermines an old myth about relationships: that both halves of the couple have to want to change.
Economists talk about the 80/20 principle –– the idea that roughly 80% of the ‘work’ is done by 20% of the participants: 20%of criminals commit 80% of crime, 20% of motorists cause 80% of accidents, and so on. It is the same in relationships.
Often a couple arrives in counselling because one half, who used to be resp-onsible for the relationship glue, has given up.
Paula, a 37-year-old recruitment consultant, was typical. “Why should I make all the effort? Jake made no effort to fulfil my needs, so I just withdrew.†I sympathised with both Paula and Jake: in their different ways, they both felt unappreciated.
After several weeks, I threw my hands up and asked: “Do you want to be right or happy?†The next week they came back smiling. Paula had been less critical of Jake, and he had been more willing to talk and listen.
They had achieved a positive tipping point, but it had been up to Paula to take the initiative. However, she was so pleased, it ceased to matter that she had made 80% of the initial effort, because both were now contributing equally.
Why are some messages heard, while others fall on deaf ears? The second law, identified –– ‘stickiness factor’, might explain it. Sometimes, tinkering with the way a message is delivered can make it stick. If someone is not listening to us, we find more dramatic ways to get their attention: shouting, tantrums, threats and walking out.
However, small changes are often more effective. Since discovering The Tipping Point, I have spent more time getting clients to ‘reframe’ their messages to each other, rather than forever upping the same ineffective stakes.
At the end of counselling, my clients are often astounded by how much was changed by so little. Robin and Tamara, two teachers in their 40s, are typical. “Instead of stomping off, I learnt to stand up for myself verbally,’ says Robin.
While Tamara learnt almost the opposite. “I thought I listened, but if he said something I didn’t want to hear, I interrupted.†These small but effective changes meant that they dealt better with their major life issues without needing to bring them to counselling. They had dramatically improved their communication skills with one small key intervention.
If your partnership has turned sour, it’s worrying when you find yourself unable to put your finger on the exact cause. But you are not alone. Most couples reach the same place through a build-up of toxic small things. But tipping the relationship back into the positive might be easier than you think.
Guardian