I asked for Diana’s hand first
Coiled in my blanket enjoying the pitter-patter of the morning drizzle, I was rudely interrupted by a knock at my front door. I leaped from my bed and peered through my bedroom window
SAGARA’S WACKY WORLD
By Harry Sagara
Coiled in my blanket enjoying the pitter-patter of the morning drizzle, I was rudely interrupted by a knock at my front door. I leaped from my bed and peered through my bedroom window. I could make out the figures of two LDUs brandishing AK-47 rifles. With them was the LC 1 chairman.
I slid into my slippers and headed for the front door to find out what was going on. I was accosted by chairman who reeked of cheap brew.
The ruffian had this charged up look, you would think he had caught me red handed having sex with his wife. He had a nose so sizeable that if you shared a room with him, you would suffocate to death!
Mr. Elephant man sails mbu he had come to arrest me for abetting crime. He accused me of supporting women’s gift circles, which are criminal. I pushed him to substantiate his accusation and he blubbered:
“Za day before yesiterday, fayivu womeni came to visiti you, yesiterday, seven and today I havu so far countedi three,†he blubberd.
I gazed at him, wondering whether he was high on drugs. I explained to the rascal that I had been down with Malaria and all those women he might have seen were friends who had come to check on me.
“Ssssha!†He charged. “You wanti to tellu me dati all zozi wimeniz are yowa Galufrendi?†he asked in his Anglo-Luganda diatribe.
I told him he had no business poking his big nose into my business. Mr. LC then apologised for interrupting my sleep, but added that he was under instructions to arrest any gathering of more than three women in a particular location.
Mbu they could be indulging in illegal gift circle business.
As he walked away, the newspaper boy came around with my copy of The Monitor and The Sunrise newspapers (I only buy the Red one when I am short of toilet paper!).
The headline on The Sunrise was in bold and it hit me like a Tomahawk missile — “Diana Museveni To Get Married!â€
Now, Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have written to you twice asking for Diana’s hand in marriage and this is the Third Term… oops! I mean third time I am writing.
This issue of giving Diana to Geoffrey Kamuntu hurts me. The only reason I have not committed suicide yet is the fact that the newspaper story could be a mere fabrication.
Mr. President, I once had a vision that I was getting married to your daughter. In this Vision, Geoffrey Kamuntu also appeared, but he was just one of the people in the congregation at Namirembe Cathedral!
We, the people of Nebbi district, have not tasted much of the so-called national cake. The only person we have in the cabinet is Hon. Okumu Ringa. By me walking down the aisle with Diana, you will have given the people of Nebbi more than what they asked for.
It will be like an exchange programme between Mbarara and Nebbi. I will teach her how to prepare local dishes like Angara and pedu and then she will teach me how to get the most milk out of a Fresian!
Mr president, Mama Janet is on record as having said that her daughters are not meant for wealthy people, but for people who have love. muko, (if I may call you that), it seems Mama was talking about me.
I am so poor that I cannot even pay attention! I know that in such a relationship, you need some money to keep you going and I can assure you that money has never been my problem. How can it be my problem when I do not have any? We all know that Mr. Kamuntu is a rich man. He works for URA!
Mr President… sorry muko, I have lots and lots of love in this tiny body of mine. In fact, if every piece of love that I have were transformed into a brick, the world trade Centre would be built back by now! Please, do me a favour and peddle some influence for me on Diana. How about carrying out a cabinet reshuffle in Diana’s life? You sack Mr. Kamuntu and make me Minister in charge of ‘Dianical Affairs’ in the office (and house) of the President!
I believe you can make me Minister in Diana’s heart. This is a secret between me and you. Please do not tell Diana about this. Just summon her to your bedroom and tell her that you have discovered a guy with all the love in the world.
Tell her that I am a hunk (yes, the ladies tell me so!) and I have a ‘goatee’ that was trimmed using a computer programme called Quark Express!
Also tell her that if she resists my advances, I will commit suicide and she will be arrested for abetting murder!
If she brings up Mr. Kamuntu’s name, wear a stern face and then widen your eyes the way you normally do when trying to prove a point to Journalists.
Tell her: “I am your Daddy and I am not asking. I am ordering you to take Saggy as your husband!†If she refuses, then I have no alternative but to commit suicide. I have already borrowed a rope from Mr. Nelson Umah Tete. Yes. That rope he failed to use at City square some years ago!
Before I forget, Mr President… sorry muko, I want you to educate me on something; In the Kinyankore culture, what do the parents of a girl normally expect from the man’s side during a kuhingira? Over to you Muko!
Sagara10@yahoo.com
256 77 445367
By Harry Sagara
Coiled in my blanket enjoying the pitter-patter of the morning drizzle, I was rudely interrupted by a knock at my front door. I leaped from my bed and peered through my bedroom window. I could make out the figures of two LDUs brandishing AK-47 rifles. With them was the LC 1 chairman.
I slid into my slippers and headed for the front door to find out what was going on. I was accosted by chairman who reeked of cheap brew.
The ruffian had this charged up look, you would think he had caught me red handed having sex with his wife. He had a nose so sizeable that if you shared a room with him, you would suffocate to death!
Mr. Elephant man sails mbu he had come to arrest me for abetting crime. He accused me of supporting women’s gift circles, which are criminal. I pushed him to substantiate his accusation and he blubbered:
“Za day before yesiterday, fayivu womeni came to visiti you, yesiterday, seven and today I havu so far countedi three,†he blubberd.
I gazed at him, wondering whether he was high on drugs. I explained to the rascal that I had been down with Malaria and all those women he might have seen were friends who had come to check on me.
“Ssssha!†He charged. “You wanti to tellu me dati all zozi wimeniz are yowa Galufrendi?†he asked in his Anglo-Luganda diatribe.
I told him he had no business poking his big nose into my business. Mr. LC then apologised for interrupting my sleep, but added that he was under instructions to arrest any gathering of more than three women in a particular location.
Mbu they could be indulging in illegal gift circle business.
As he walked away, the newspaper boy came around with my copy of The Monitor and The Sunrise newspapers (I only buy the Red one when I am short of toilet paper!).
The headline on The Sunrise was in bold and it hit me like a Tomahawk missile — “Diana Museveni To Get Married!â€
Now, Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have written to you twice asking for Diana’s hand in marriage and this is the Third Term… oops! I mean third time I am writing.
This issue of giving Diana to Geoffrey Kamuntu hurts me. The only reason I have not committed suicide yet is the fact that the newspaper story could be a mere fabrication.
Mr. President, I once had a vision that I was getting married to your daughter. In this Vision, Geoffrey Kamuntu also appeared, but he was just one of the people in the congregation at Namirembe Cathedral!
We, the people of Nebbi district, have not tasted much of the so-called national cake. The only person we have in the cabinet is Hon. Okumu Ringa. By me walking down the aisle with Diana, you will have given the people of Nebbi more than what they asked for.
It will be like an exchange programme between Mbarara and Nebbi. I will teach her how to prepare local dishes like Angara and pedu and then she will teach me how to get the most milk out of a Fresian!
Mr president, Mama Janet is on record as having said that her daughters are not meant for wealthy people, but for people who have love. muko, (if I may call you that), it seems Mama was talking about me.
I am so poor that I cannot even pay attention! I know that in such a relationship, you need some money to keep you going and I can assure you that money has never been my problem. How can it be my problem when I do not have any? We all know that Mr. Kamuntu is a rich man. He works for URA!
Mr President… sorry muko, I have lots and lots of love in this tiny body of mine. In fact, if every piece of love that I have were transformed into a brick, the world trade Centre would be built back by now! Please, do me a favour and peddle some influence for me on Diana. How about carrying out a cabinet reshuffle in Diana’s life? You sack Mr. Kamuntu and make me Minister in charge of ‘Dianical Affairs’ in the office (and house) of the President!
I believe you can make me Minister in Diana’s heart. This is a secret between me and you. Please do not tell Diana about this. Just summon her to your bedroom and tell her that you have discovered a guy with all the love in the world.
Tell her that I am a hunk (yes, the ladies tell me so!) and I have a ‘goatee’ that was trimmed using a computer programme called Quark Express!
Also tell her that if she resists my advances, I will commit suicide and she will be arrested for abetting murder!
If she brings up Mr. Kamuntu’s name, wear a stern face and then widen your eyes the way you normally do when trying to prove a point to Journalists.
Tell her: “I am your Daddy and I am not asking. I am ordering you to take Saggy as your husband!†If she refuses, then I have no alternative but to commit suicide. I have already borrowed a rope from Mr. Nelson Umah Tete. Yes. That rope he failed to use at City square some years ago!
Before I forget, Mr President… sorry muko, I want you to educate me on something; In the Kinyankore culture, what do the parents of a girl normally expect from the man’s side during a kuhingira? Over to you Muko!
Sagara10@yahoo.com
256 77 445367