Saggy, Financial Consultant
Aug 08, 2003
Today I come as a financial consultant. In a dream last night, Finance Minister Gerald Ssendaula beeped me.
Today I come as a financial consultant. In a dream last night, Finance Minister Gerald Ssendaula beeped me. When I called back he was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said that most Ugandan men do not know how to manage their finances. So I asked him what this had to do with his crying.
“I am… sob.. sob.. expected.. sob.. to collect every available tax…sob.. But the money is being wasted by our people†He began as I cooled him down with a simple…. “Relax Gerry, stop crying, big boys don’t cry.â€
I promised to handle the situation if he just did me a favour and shut up! And by the time I got up from the dream, the minister’s cry was no more but I a financial consultant to the people of Uganda.
I bring you money saving techniques that will chase poverty out of your life (Obugaloooo!). However, I shall not be held liable should any of these tips land you in jail!
For starters, I know the things you spend money on most are rent, women, fuel, airtime and beer. Am I lying? Okay here are some tips on how to avoid spending money on them.
RENT: I know people whose landlord/ladies storm very early in the morning demanding for their dime (Hi ESB?). If you are going through this, it is very simple… whenever your landlords come say like at 6:00am, get up from your bed, walk to the front door naked like dressed chicken, open the door and just stare at them! They will never come back, believe me. Alternatively, when they come for the money, begin speaking gibberish like you are high on drugs. Say so many confusing things and in the middle of everything open your eyes wide and brag loudly about the fact that Police has never found the body of your last landlord. Believe me the landlord will scamper for his dear life and only return to give you some money as an incentive for you to move out of the house!
WOMEN: Kyanas can be fun but I tell you they chew money the way a maize mill chews those grains. Well, in the days gone by, men always paid the bills but with women’s emancipation, men are still paying the bill, even when they are not sure to be thanked!
When you suggest places to go out to dinner, she will have a mental guide to all the expensive restaurants in town.
Well, if she proposes a place like the Haandi restaurant say its okay but cancel the date at the 11th hour with a sweet excuse like ‘My bro just got involved in an accident and I am heading to the scene.’ Such an excuse will buy sympathy for you and she will definitely want to come with you to the accident scene but tell her to go and wait for you at your house as you sort this out. Return to the house after four hours (sure that the dinner at Haandi is already finished) and indulge her into pep talk. Propose some whiskey and coffee and she will begin rooking ravuli and er.. er… the rest is not History but Her-story!
Alternatively walk into Kabira Country Club with a chic you know is a vegetarian. Yes, like this other chic who works at MTN her name is hmmm……You wish!
Anyway, while here ask her why she prefers to be a Vegetarian and most likely her response will either be something to do with her religious affiliation or that she is a freak for animal rights. After she has made her order tell her that you don’t have appetite (You are saving, aren’t you?). Incase she insists that you eat something, pick another plate and empty half of the contents on her plate! She might be shocked by this but remember, you are the one paying! After everything, pay for the vegetarian dish and when the waiter brings back your change you should look surprised and ask whether he has deducted the money for the serviettes, ketchup, salt and mayonnaise!
FUEL: There is nothing as annoying as your car running out of fuel when you are in the middle of running a very important errand. Besides, the price for fuel is not the friendliest. Make sure before you approach a fuel station your rear numberplate is covered with paper. After you have done this drive into the fuel station and ask the pump attendant to put in whatever amount of fuel you need. Making sure all your doors are locked, start the car and zoom off! He will try to grab your number plate but remember you covered it already.
Ends
“I am… sob.. sob.. expected.. sob.. to collect every available tax…sob.. But the money is being wasted by our people†He began as I cooled him down with a simple…. “Relax Gerry, stop crying, big boys don’t cry.â€
I promised to handle the situation if he just did me a favour and shut up! And by the time I got up from the dream, the minister’s cry was no more but I a financial consultant to the people of Uganda.
I bring you money saving techniques that will chase poverty out of your life (Obugaloooo!). However, I shall not be held liable should any of these tips land you in jail!
For starters, I know the things you spend money on most are rent, women, fuel, airtime and beer. Am I lying? Okay here are some tips on how to avoid spending money on them.
RENT: I know people whose landlord/ladies storm very early in the morning demanding for their dime (Hi ESB?). If you are going through this, it is very simple… whenever your landlords come say like at 6:00am, get up from your bed, walk to the front door naked like dressed chicken, open the door and just stare at them! They will never come back, believe me. Alternatively, when they come for the money, begin speaking gibberish like you are high on drugs. Say so many confusing things and in the middle of everything open your eyes wide and brag loudly about the fact that Police has never found the body of your last landlord. Believe me the landlord will scamper for his dear life and only return to give you some money as an incentive for you to move out of the house!
WOMEN: Kyanas can be fun but I tell you they chew money the way a maize mill chews those grains. Well, in the days gone by, men always paid the bills but with women’s emancipation, men are still paying the bill, even when they are not sure to be thanked!
When you suggest places to go out to dinner, she will have a mental guide to all the expensive restaurants in town.
Well, if she proposes a place like the Haandi restaurant say its okay but cancel the date at the 11th hour with a sweet excuse like ‘My bro just got involved in an accident and I am heading to the scene.’ Such an excuse will buy sympathy for you and she will definitely want to come with you to the accident scene but tell her to go and wait for you at your house as you sort this out. Return to the house after four hours (sure that the dinner at Haandi is already finished) and indulge her into pep talk. Propose some whiskey and coffee and she will begin rooking ravuli and er.. er… the rest is not History but Her-story!
Alternatively walk into Kabira Country Club with a chic you know is a vegetarian. Yes, like this other chic who works at MTN her name is hmmm……You wish!
Anyway, while here ask her why she prefers to be a Vegetarian and most likely her response will either be something to do with her religious affiliation or that she is a freak for animal rights. After she has made her order tell her that you don’t have appetite (You are saving, aren’t you?). Incase she insists that you eat something, pick another plate and empty half of the contents on her plate! She might be shocked by this but remember, you are the one paying! After everything, pay for the vegetarian dish and when the waiter brings back your change you should look surprised and ask whether he has deducted the money for the serviettes, ketchup, salt and mayonnaise!
FUEL: There is nothing as annoying as your car running out of fuel when you are in the middle of running a very important errand. Besides, the price for fuel is not the friendliest. Make sure before you approach a fuel station your rear numberplate is covered with paper. After you have done this drive into the fuel station and ask the pump attendant to put in whatever amount of fuel you need. Making sure all your doors are locked, start the car and zoom off! He will try to grab your number plate but remember you covered it already.
Ends