Relationships- Should you claim gifts after break-up?
Jul 09, 2009
A distressed young woman recently sent a letter to a local radio station seeking a solution to her problems. <br>The young woman, whom I will call Sharon, said she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years.
By Carol Kezaabu and Susan Muyiyi
A distressed young woman recently sent a letter to a local radio station seeking a solution to her problems.
The young woman, whom I will call Sharon, said she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years.
Throughout her relationship with this married man, he had bought her several gifts and given her money, totalling to about sh5m.
When she decided to end the relationship and find a more suitable partner, he wanted his things back and threatened to take her to the Police if she did not give them back.
Her question was whether he had any right to demand them back and what she would do since she did not have that kind of money. The consensus was that the man had no right.
This scenario is common in our society. Many relationships end on a sour note and for many jilted lovers, the first instinct is to revenge and the need to cause as much pain to their exes as they caused them.
For cohabiting couples and some cases marrieds, this problem is more serious because they tend to pool property together. When they break up, one person might feel they are entitled to an equal share of the property.
Sophia says when she caught her boyfriend cheating on her, she broke all the things she could get her hands on and carried away other property like the bed, fridge and TV because she had contributed to purchasing them.
Psyche behind this odd behaviour
But why would anyone in their right mind demand something they gave out of their will to someone they cared about?
Observers say for casual relationships, this kind of behaviour is common where the offended party (mainly the man) feels like they have got a raw deal or have been betrayed.
The offending partner could have either failed to honour their promises; might be cheating or could be moving on with someone else.
“At that time people are not thinking straight; they detest the thought of someone else enjoying the fruits of their sweat,†says Alfred Ibanda, an economist.
“For most guys, it is unbearable to think that another man will communicate with the woman he loved on the phone he bought!â€
Kajumba Mayanja, a counsellor, says the situation with cohabiting couples, which tends to affect mainly women, is different.
Women are likely to empty the house when the couple breaks up because they believe the men are indebted to them.
“She feels it is time to pay back and a way of settling scores for having invested emotionally, and in some cases financially, in the relationship,†Kajumba explains.
She further says when a woman decides to move in with a man, most times she has made up her mind to settle with him. That is why the disappointment hits her hard.
Yet in Uganda, this is not strange at all. In fact, sociologists say the act of reclaiming a man’s gifts or bride price when a marriage crumbles because of a woman’s failings, is upheld in many cultures.
“If a couple has been married customarily and the wife seeks to divorce or walks out of a marriage, in order to annul that marriage, the wife’s family must return the bride price, otherwise the couple is regarded as married,†says Timothy Apino, a lawyer.
Legal implications
A young woman was recently embarrassed when her ex-boyfriend caught up with her at the City Square in Kampala and, in front of everybody, accused her of stealing his property.
This is nothing new. Christine Nanjing, the head of the Child Care and Family Protection Unit Department, Uganda Police, says one of the biggest problems with these cases is that when the drama starts to unfold, especially where the young women either refuse to return the property or walk off with it, the boyfriends run to the Police and report it as theft.
And, in such cases there is little or no legal redress for the affected partner.
“Unfortunately in such cases, it is the guy’s word against the woman’s. Proof of ownership has to be shown, like a receipt or title in the names of the claimant of the property.
But most women do not bother to collect evidence of property and they lose out on these claims,†she says.
Apino says there is no law that governs such circumstances. It is just hard to prove that you own the property if there is no documented evidence like a receipt or agreement.
He adds that in Uganda, court upholds widely accepted cultural practices as custom as along as they are not inconsistent with written law. By implication, therefore, the culture of returning bride price when a marriage fails is not illegal.
The Domestic Relations Bill seeks to treat couples that have been cohabiting for a period of more than two years to give the woman equal rights to property they are sharing. But until it is passed into law, these disputes will continue to be solved socially.
Wrangles over property are even worse when it comes to failed marriages. After a divorce, who takes the property?
Apino says in Uganda, the law is that each person keeps whatever property they owned before the marriage, but share equally any property that was acquired while married.
A distressed young woman recently sent a letter to a local radio station seeking a solution to her problems.
The young woman, whom I will call Sharon, said she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years.
Throughout her relationship with this married man, he had bought her several gifts and given her money, totalling to about sh5m.
When she decided to end the relationship and find a more suitable partner, he wanted his things back and threatened to take her to the Police if she did not give them back.
Her question was whether he had any right to demand them back and what she would do since she did not have that kind of money. The consensus was that the man had no right.
This scenario is common in our society. Many relationships end on a sour note and for many jilted lovers, the first instinct is to revenge and the need to cause as much pain to their exes as they caused them.
For cohabiting couples and some cases marrieds, this problem is more serious because they tend to pool property together. When they break up, one person might feel they are entitled to an equal share of the property.
Sophia says when she caught her boyfriend cheating on her, she broke all the things she could get her hands on and carried away other property like the bed, fridge and TV because she had contributed to purchasing them.
Psyche behind this odd behaviour
But why would anyone in their right mind demand something they gave out of their will to someone they cared about?
Observers say for casual relationships, this kind of behaviour is common where the offended party (mainly the man) feels like they have got a raw deal or have been betrayed.
The offending partner could have either failed to honour their promises; might be cheating or could be moving on with someone else.
“At that time people are not thinking straight; they detest the thought of someone else enjoying the fruits of their sweat,†says Alfred Ibanda, an economist.
“For most guys, it is unbearable to think that another man will communicate with the woman he loved on the phone he bought!â€
Kajumba Mayanja, a counsellor, says the situation with cohabiting couples, which tends to affect mainly women, is different.
Women are likely to empty the house when the couple breaks up because they believe the men are indebted to them.
“She feels it is time to pay back and a way of settling scores for having invested emotionally, and in some cases financially, in the relationship,†Kajumba explains.
She further says when a woman decides to move in with a man, most times she has made up her mind to settle with him. That is why the disappointment hits her hard.
Yet in Uganda, this is not strange at all. In fact, sociologists say the act of reclaiming a man’s gifts or bride price when a marriage crumbles because of a woman’s failings, is upheld in many cultures.
“If a couple has been married customarily and the wife seeks to divorce or walks out of a marriage, in order to annul that marriage, the wife’s family must return the bride price, otherwise the couple is regarded as married,†says Timothy Apino, a lawyer.
Legal implications
A young woman was recently embarrassed when her ex-boyfriend caught up with her at the City Square in Kampala and, in front of everybody, accused her of stealing his property.
This is nothing new. Christine Nanjing, the head of the Child Care and Family Protection Unit Department, Uganda Police, says one of the biggest problems with these cases is that when the drama starts to unfold, especially where the young women either refuse to return the property or walk off with it, the boyfriends run to the Police and report it as theft.
And, in such cases there is little or no legal redress for the affected partner.
“Unfortunately in such cases, it is the guy’s word against the woman’s. Proof of ownership has to be shown, like a receipt or title in the names of the claimant of the property.
But most women do not bother to collect evidence of property and they lose out on these claims,†she says.
Apino says there is no law that governs such circumstances. It is just hard to prove that you own the property if there is no documented evidence like a receipt or agreement.
He adds that in Uganda, court upholds widely accepted cultural practices as custom as along as they are not inconsistent with written law. By implication, therefore, the culture of returning bride price when a marriage fails is not illegal.
The Domestic Relations Bill seeks to treat couples that have been cohabiting for a period of more than two years to give the woman equal rights to property they are sharing. But until it is passed into law, these disputes will continue to be solved socially.
Wrangles over property are even worse when it comes to failed marriages. After a divorce, who takes the property?
Apino says in Uganda, the law is that each person keeps whatever property they owned before the marriage, but share equally any property that was acquired while married.