Mending your heart after he’s gone

Sep 25, 2009

BREAKING up is never easy. May be because of the diverse feelings involved, there is no manual on how to break up. However, there are just some lame methods that one should not employ.

BY HARRIET BIRUNGI

BREAKING up is never easy. May be because of the diverse feelings involved, there is no manual on how to break up. However, there are just some lame methods that one should not employ.

LAME TACTICS
Grace, 30, a front desk officer at a tour company, says she did not think that a relationship of three years, which she hoped would end in marriage, would break up instead.

“I was on my bed, planning to call him before I slept, when I received a text message,” she narrates. And it said: “Thanks for the wonderful two hours. I can still feel your hands stroking my back.”

Unfortunately for her, the message was meant for another lady. She had not seen Michael for two weeks as he claimed he was too busy, working on a tight deadline.

Grace did not confront Michael, she let go without a fight, or giving him the satisfaction that she had known he was unfaithful. “It still feels like yesterday,” she says.

“I have held on to it (the message) as a reminder of how it made me feel … cheap. All I was worth was sh130 for a message.

“It also helped me realise that he was not worth it if he could not confront me face to face,” explained Grace.

Harriet, a journalist, says hers was a face to face conversation. He called her to lunch and after ordering food, he said: “I have not been there for you as much, I think it is time you get someone who can really care for you. But I hope we can remain friends.”

With a lump in her throat, she sat there and watched him enjoy his lunch like nothing had happened. She still bumps into him and thinks he is the most cold-hearted and mean man she has ever known.

For Gertrude, a youth officer with a community-based NGO, their relationship ended when he caught him red-handed with another woman. He had feigned a headache that particular day, so she chose to go to a function without him.

“Towards the end of the function, I called him and he said he was still feeling bad,” Getrude recalls. “My friends and I decided to go to club that night. In the club, I spotted a smiling Patrick in the company of a beautiful girl whose waist he had was holding.

“When I confronted them, he said, ‘Getrude meet my girlfriend Tasha.’ I froze and my friends came to my aid by getting me away.”

At his sister’s introduction ceremony, as his girlfriend, I waited for him to tell me that I could attend. When he did not, I just showed up. In the sitting room, I heard him tell his mother that the girl who had accompanied him would be his wife, recalled Letitia. “All along, he was using me.”

COPING STRATEGIES
Whether he breaks up with you by throwing your things out, changing the locks, writing a letter, announcing to everyone, or saying it to your face, it will have ended and you need to move on.

The question is, how do you get over the heartache and allow yourself to love another man?Think of your ex’s bad side

Think about the mean things that he did or said and give them priority, once your mind starts drifting back to him. Tell yourself that no person who loved you could do or behave the way he did and you are better off without him.

Talk your heart out
A problem shared is a problem half solved. Talking with your family and friends about how you feel after a break-up helps to cleanse you of emotional baggage from the relationship. Releasing the pain is necessary before you can move on.

Sever all ties
Often when a relationship ends, you may be tempted to woo him back with a night of passion for old times’ sake. Flee from this temptation, and cut off all contact for as long as it takes for you to feel better. Seeing your former boyfriend may cause you to do or say something you will regret.

You could also change your phone number or develop a no contact policy and stick to it. Do not make any calls. Stay away from texting on your phone. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally sure you no longer want to be with him.

Cry baby cry
Crying is known to have healing effects, so indulge yourself. It is alright to cry over a loss, just do it in a private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex. Crying helps to cleanse you of any pain not make your lover come back.

Put away everything that reminds you of him
Make sure that they are out of sight and so out of mind, until you feel that you are able to recall what you had without longing to return to the relationship.

Meet new people
Feeling sorry for yourself and isolating yourself only stalls the healing process. Go out and meet new people. The sooner you do it, the faster the recovery.

Seeing other people will give you a chance to appreciate life and you may even meet somebody else. However, do not let it be immediately as you may be clingy. Start off by being friends and studying the new person.

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