Moving on: Pastor Senfuma talks about life after the death of his wife

Oct 16, 2009

Steven Senfuma is the senior pastor at United Christian Centre, Makerere, Kikoni. He lost his first wife in a fatal accident three years ago. He had dreamt of death. “We prayed, cancelled the dreams but it still happened.

By Susan Muyiyi

Steven Senfuma is the senior pastor at United Christian Centre, Makerere, Kikoni. He lost his first wife in a fatal accident three years ago. He had dreamt of death. “We prayed, cancelled the dreams but it still happened.

“I keep her photographs in the drawer at my church office as memoirs our three kids can have when they grow older. We had been married for 15 years when disaster befell us. We were headed to Kampala after having a fantastic time at a conference in Masindi. I was trying to overtake when we suddenly hit a rough section of the road. I failed to regain control of the car and it went off the road, overturning several times before landing on my wife. Of all the seven people in the car, she is the only one who died. It was instant. I was devastated. ”

Senfuma says the death of his wife revealed to him a side of women he had never imagined existed before. “In spite of my grieving, women were falling over themselves to console me. Even as my wife lay dead in the sitting room, some were handing me mabugo (money) in envelopes with love proposals and sometimes photographs. I received 33 proposals from women I had never seen or known. One of them even whispered in my ear that she wanted to be a mother to my children.”

It worsened after the burial, he says. The number of women seeking counselling from him increased tremendously. “There was a lawyer who said God had told her in a dream to marry me. Some widows used their late husbands to explain God’s will for us to be together. They would help me recover fast, they said, because they had gone through a similar situation.”

But most infuriating was a neighbour in Nansana. “One day, I had been grieving all day. Then she startled me in my bedroom! She entreated me not to be afraid and offered to give me a massage while moving closer. I demanded that she leaves.” That was not all. She kept on popping up at the house because she lived nearby. Senfuma had to abandon the house.

He moved in with a close friend. “My kids told me that she had carried most of her property and moved it into my house.” The pastor had to address the issue. Senfuma stood at the pulpit one fine Sunday morning and said he did not believe in dreams about marriage. But the neighbour was not one to fall off easily. She prepared a budget for their purported union and brought it to him, pleading that her parents were waiting.

“I invited her to church and asked her to come to the pulpit. She must have assumed that I was going to introduce her as my wife-to-be. But I told my congregation about her behaviour. I thought that was the worst humiliation a woman could experience. But she persisted! I had to shift.”

To protect his reputation and family, Senfuma decided to marry after a year of mourning. “I proposed to one of my church members, who wasn’t trying, like the rest, to impress me. She is beautiful. I didn’t have to pray and fast about my decision. lots of prayer is not what makes a good marriage, it is character and the love the two people have for each other. But before my wife passed on, I never had any romantic feelings for my current wife.”

However, Senfuma had to consult his children first. “One of them was against the idea. They were all afraid of being mistreated, so, I organised for them to meet her. It was great. Our wedding didn’t come as a surprise to them. We had been praying about it everyday. They were bridesmaids at the wedding.”

Life is not easy, Senfuma confesses. His wife Esther is still getting over the fear of being misunderstood for rebuking the children. “She is doing a great job. She takes care of school affairs; I have never been good at that. She suggests shopping ideas and the girls consult her on their female issues. I am happy.”

The pastor avoided behaviour that would ‘annoy’ his late wife’s spirit. He gave all her clothes to her sisters and decided to shift from the house he shared with her. He also bought new furniture.

“People should be left alone to decide the next move when they are ready. One year was enough for me. Being a Christian helped a lot. I believe in eternity. I am comforted she went to a better place and so, I didn’t grieve so much. I don’t believe in memorial services. I had to start a new life. I didn’t remarry for my children to have a mother. I did it for me. I am a normal, red-blooded human being with normal feelings. My kids will grow and leave, but my wife will be with me forever.

“My (new) in-laws had reservations. I am much older than she is and a widower. They worried about her. Other people said I had married too soon but that is their opinion. I did not commit any sin.”

The pastor says he can now sympathise better with widows and widowers. He says they occasionally talk about his first wife. “She is with the Lord,” he says.

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