How to stop domestic fights
Nov 13, 2009
YOUR partner apologises and says the hurtful behaviour will not happen again, but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you are imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be experienc
By Halima Shaban
YOUR partner apologises and says the hurtful behaviour will not happen again, but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you are imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing domestic violence.
In many relationships, whether among the married, cohabiting or dating, there are tendencies of violence and abuse, which in worst case scenarios have led to deaths.
According to serious crimes records at the Criminal Investigations Directorate, at least 86 Ugandans were murdered by their spouses in 2008. The records showed that of the 86 deaths, 73 of the victims were wives and only 13 victims were husbands. They were beaten, hacked or strangled to death.
Therefore, men, as the alpha character and primary offenders, must take the leading role in stopping or minimising abuse, regardless of whether they are the victims or offenders.
Abuse can be physical, such as hitting, kicking or burning. It can also be sexual, for example forcing a partner to have sex without his/her consent. It can be emotional or social abuse, such as constant criticism of the partner or stopping him/her from meeting friends. It can even be economic abuse, where the husband stops the wife from working or does not give her money.
Grace Namwanjje, a counsellor with the AIDS Information Centre, says common causes of abuse include drinking, jealousy, money, sex, gambling, problems at work, or any kind of domestic argument. It can also be caused by the unequal position of wife and husband, stress, lack of communication between husband and wife, or culture.
Add alcohol, pills or other drugs to the scenario and you have a cocktail for disaster.
How can men take the leading role
in fighting domestic violence?
Counsellors believe finding the possible cause of friction and trying to fix it is the best way to avoid violence. According to Namwanjje, the men should know that choosing to bottle up emotions is as disastrous as throwing a fireball at petrol.
“People who suppress emotions and feelings are not necessarily free of distress,†she says, adding, “men should know that supression will simply free them of traditional symptoms of psychological distress, such as depression. But this may lead to a buildup of frustration that eventually results in an outburst of violence.â€
Namwanjje says controlling anger and other negative emotions takes restraint. When these feelings surface, it is better to just walk away. It is also very important to think before saying anything out of anger or suspicion, she adds.
Men should treat others the same way they would want to be treated. Anger management counselling can help you sort through issues and find new ways to cope with negative emotions.
Men are definitely at fault in most cases of domestic violence. As we learned in elementary school, boys should not hit girls--a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances. But contrary to the popular belief, women are often times at fault by provoking the man.
Namwanjje adds that understanding your personal triggers can help you avoid situations and improve self control. Men should have control over how they act and react. Recognising that is a step in the right direction.
If it is a disagreement, one of the partners should volunteer to end it by keeping quiet. But silence should not be the primary strategy, especially if it is a persistent and potentially tragic point of disagreement. Going for couple counseling can be one step towards ending the vice.
As a man, you can even step out for a drink or spend a night out having notified your partner why you are doing it.
Abusive men do not show signs of depression or other reactions to the stress they are under. Instead, the feelings of stress build up and are released in bursts of violence.
Therapy and anger management programmes can help abusers sort through their issues and reign in their anger and frustration. The cycle of abuse can be broken but requires perpetrators of domestic violence to acknowledge the problem, seek help and be willing to change.
Seek a mediator who would be impartial in the disagreement to help you resolve the deadlock.
YOUR partner apologises and says the hurtful behaviour will not happen again, but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you are imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing domestic violence.
In many relationships, whether among the married, cohabiting or dating, there are tendencies of violence and abuse, which in worst case scenarios have led to deaths.
According to serious crimes records at the Criminal Investigations Directorate, at least 86 Ugandans were murdered by their spouses in 2008. The records showed that of the 86 deaths, 73 of the victims were wives and only 13 victims were husbands. They were beaten, hacked or strangled to death.
Therefore, men, as the alpha character and primary offenders, must take the leading role in stopping or minimising abuse, regardless of whether they are the victims or offenders.
Abuse can be physical, such as hitting, kicking or burning. It can also be sexual, for example forcing a partner to have sex without his/her consent. It can be emotional or social abuse, such as constant criticism of the partner or stopping him/her from meeting friends. It can even be economic abuse, where the husband stops the wife from working or does not give her money.
Grace Namwanjje, a counsellor with the AIDS Information Centre, says common causes of abuse include drinking, jealousy, money, sex, gambling, problems at work, or any kind of domestic argument. It can also be caused by the unequal position of wife and husband, stress, lack of communication between husband and wife, or culture.
Add alcohol, pills or other drugs to the scenario and you have a cocktail for disaster.
How can men take the leading role
in fighting domestic violence?
Counsellors believe finding the possible cause of friction and trying to fix it is the best way to avoid violence. According to Namwanjje, the men should know that choosing to bottle up emotions is as disastrous as throwing a fireball at petrol.
“People who suppress emotions and feelings are not necessarily free of distress,†she says, adding, “men should know that supression will simply free them of traditional symptoms of psychological distress, such as depression. But this may lead to a buildup of frustration that eventually results in an outburst of violence.â€
Namwanjje says controlling anger and other negative emotions takes restraint. When these feelings surface, it is better to just walk away. It is also very important to think before saying anything out of anger or suspicion, she adds.
Men should treat others the same way they would want to be treated. Anger management counselling can help you sort through issues and find new ways to cope with negative emotions.
Men are definitely at fault in most cases of domestic violence. As we learned in elementary school, boys should not hit girls--a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances. But contrary to the popular belief, women are often times at fault by provoking the man.
Namwanjje adds that understanding your personal triggers can help you avoid situations and improve self control. Men should have control over how they act and react. Recognising that is a step in the right direction.
If it is a disagreement, one of the partners should volunteer to end it by keeping quiet. But silence should not be the primary strategy, especially if it is a persistent and potentially tragic point of disagreement. Going for couple counseling can be one step towards ending the vice.
As a man, you can even step out for a drink or spend a night out having notified your partner why you are doing it.
Abusive men do not show signs of depression or other reactions to the stress they are under. Instead, the feelings of stress build up and are released in bursts of violence.
Therapy and anger management programmes can help abusers sort through their issues and reign in their anger and frustration. The cycle of abuse can be broken but requires perpetrators of domestic violence to acknowledge the problem, seek help and be willing to change.
Seek a mediator who would be impartial in the disagreement to help you resolve the deadlock.