This has no headline
Nov 26, 2009
IN medieval times, it was not uncommon for an emissary bearing bad news to be killed. Today, it is common for one who bears bad news to be labelled a gossip, liar, envious and many other fearful names.
In the run-up to World AIDS Day on December 1, the media has been awash with the ‘Break the sex network’ campaign. Cheating partners have been one of the major driving forces behind the increasing number of new HIV infections. Could telling on a cheating partner be one if the ways in which society can begin to break down sex networks?
By Edna Mubiru
IN medieval times, it was not uncommon for an emissary bearing bad news to be killed. Today, it is common for one who bears bad news to be labelled a gossip, liar, envious and many other fearful names.
So, what if you found Marcus, your workmate’s husband hanging out in a dark, smoky bar with a pretty young thing, yet he told her he is on an out-of- town assignment? Would you tell on him?
What if your sister’s boyfriend started making moves on you, saying it is you he loves and not her? What if she is the one paying your tuition? Are you ready to risk his wrath and deal with him on a daily basis by telling?
We may have leapt bounds since the medieval times, but our emotions have not changed much. Like it was then, the messenger usually gets shot, or at least becomes ‘the bad one’.
Claire, Fiona’s cousin could not face Fiona with the news that her husband was making bold advances at her. He had recently lost his job and spent a lot of time at home alone with Claire, who was at the university.
Claire was growing more uncomfortable with the situation each passing day. When she could not take it anymore, she spoke to her uncle about the situation and he promised to handle it.
It took him about two months to muster the courage to tell Fiona about her husband’s intended infidelity. In those two months, the whole family, but Fiona learnt about the situation.
When the uncle finally told Fiona, she threw Claire out of her house, stopped paying her tuition fees and cut her off completely.
So, did Claire sin by telling on her brother-in-law? Why did Fiona treat her like the offending party?
In the case of Marcus, the cheating husband of your workmate, you have to ask yourself: How well do you know each other?
She might tell you the person you saw could be another man because you are not close enough to her to know her husband well enough to identify him in a dark, smoky bar.
If she is a very close friend, she is more likely to believe you. “There are some friends whose word I would take without questioning their intentions because I know they want the best for me.
“However, there are others whose word I would take with a pinch of salt,†says Patricia, a wife and mother of one.
Before one takes the step to tell on a cheating spouse, they should establish whether the relationship is on course or on the rocks.
If it is on the rocks, chances are the person knows about their spouse’s infidelity but does not care. They are simply staying in the relationship for the sake of the children or are working out an annulment.
If it appears to be on course, the situation is more complicated because there are no signs of cheating. You have to be prepared for the reactions your revelation will bring.
In the heat of an argument, your friend might tell the cheating spouse how they heard about their escapades. Are you ready for the hatred when the cheating party knows it was you who told on them?
And if you encounter this person on a regular basis, are you ready for the uneasy silence that will inevitably fall when you are around each other?
What if he turns it on you and says you are acting out of frustration because your advances were rejected? If he can lie and cheat, you cannot put a limit to what he is capable of.
What you do not know does not hurt, the saying goes. But much as we all like to convince ourselves about that saying, we do not appreciate being left in the dark.
So, before you keep quiet and let time tell, imagine what your friend will do to you when she realises you knew about the affair and kept quiet.
By Edna Mubiru
IN medieval times, it was not uncommon for an emissary bearing bad news to be killed. Today, it is common for one who bears bad news to be labelled a gossip, liar, envious and many other fearful names.
So, what if you found Marcus, your workmate’s husband hanging out in a dark, smoky bar with a pretty young thing, yet he told her he is on an out-of- town assignment? Would you tell on him?
What if your sister’s boyfriend started making moves on you, saying it is you he loves and not her? What if she is the one paying your tuition? Are you ready to risk his wrath and deal with him on a daily basis by telling?
We may have leapt bounds since the medieval times, but our emotions have not changed much. Like it was then, the messenger usually gets shot, or at least becomes ‘the bad one’.
Claire, Fiona’s cousin could not face Fiona with the news that her husband was making bold advances at her. He had recently lost his job and spent a lot of time at home alone with Claire, who was at the university.
Claire was growing more uncomfortable with the situation each passing day. When she could not take it anymore, she spoke to her uncle about the situation and he promised to handle it.
It took him about two months to muster the courage to tell Fiona about her husband’s intended infidelity. In those two months, the whole family, but Fiona learnt about the situation.
When the uncle finally told Fiona, she threw Claire out of her house, stopped paying her tuition fees and cut her off completely.
So, did Claire sin by telling on her brother-in-law? Why did Fiona treat her like the offending party?
In the case of Marcus, the cheating husband of your workmate, you have to ask yourself: How well do you know each other?
She might tell you the person you saw could be another man because you are not close enough to her to know her husband well enough to identify him in a dark, smoky bar.
If she is a very close friend, she is more likely to believe you. “There are some friends whose word I would take without questioning their intentions because I know they want the best for me.
“However, there are others whose word I would take with a pinch of salt,†says Patricia, a wife and mother of one.
Before one takes the step to tell on a cheating spouse, they should establish whether the relationship is on course or on the rocks.
If it is on the rocks, chances are the person knows about their spouse’s infidelity but does not care. They are simply staying in the relationship for the sake of the children or are working out an annulment.
If it appears to be on course, the situation is more complicated because there are no signs of cheating. You have to be prepared for the reactions your revelation will bring.
In the heat of an argument, your friend might tell the cheating spouse how they heard about their escapades. Are you ready for the hatred when the cheating party knows it was you who told on them?
And if you encounter this person on a regular basis, are you ready for the uneasy silence that will inevitably fall when you are around each other?
What if he turns it on you and says you are acting out of frustration because your advances were rejected? If he can lie and cheat, you cannot put a limit to what he is capable of.
What you do not know does not hurt, the saying goes. But much as we all like to convince ourselves about that saying, we do not appreciate being left in the dark.
So, before you keep quiet and let time tell, imagine what your friend will do to you when she realises you knew about the affair and kept quiet.