Love across generations: Bliss or war?
Jan 29, 2009
THOU shall not engage in cross-generational sex,†is the seventh sin that Pope Benedict X announced last year. It set me wondering what he wanted to protect his faithful from.
By Catherine Bekunda
THOU shall not engage in cross-generational sex,†is the seventh sin that Pope Benedict X announced last year. It set me wondering what he wanted to protect his faithful from.
King Solomon is quoted to have said that what draws a man to a woman is mystery; I believe that is what happens when people of different generations get attracted to each other and marry.
Recently, I witnessed a fight between what I had always considered a perfect couple. It was so fierce that it left me wondering whether age was just a number as they say, or there is more to it.
A month ago, David, 40, started suspecting that his wife Jane, 24, was cheating on him. He accused her of ‘investing’ his money in a younger man aged 27.
He took from her the car keys and ATM cards he had given her; and in no time, she had nothing except a six-month-old baby.
Lately, there are many marriages between older men and young girls; and older women and younger men, but what are the advantages and/or disadvantages of such relationships?
Age difference
“Age does not have much bearing on a relationship. It is all about what a couple feels for each other. The level of their compatibility matters a lot if they are looking at a future together,†says Josephine Mbabazi, 28.
Jamidah, 23, a single lady, says she is still learning about life and would like to grow with someone who shares a similar outlook on life, rather than one who will treat her like a child.
Dr. Annet Tumwebaze, a gynaecologist, says when a woman clocks menopause, she experiences hormonal imbalances. This may lead to reduced sexual urge, causing her husband to cheat on her. So many men want to marry women 20 years younger than them.
Fr. Thomas Akiiki, who counsels couples at Kakumiro Parish in Kibaale, says marriage has been abused, and cross-generational marriage has made the situation worse.
“Many young girls enter into marriage expecting to be treated like queens, only to find that they have begun a journey they need to face with clear-headedness.
“We are witnessing an accentuated deterioration of the family and a certain corrosion of marriage values. Divorces and separations are increasing, even during the first years of marriage,†he says.
The pros and cons
Some young women believe older men are more financially stable, have done it and seen it all and are mature.
James Kaine, a trader in Kikubo, says younger women are innocent and can be ‘tamed’. Therefore, they are likely to respect their older husbands like they would their fathers.
Edison Kintu, 44, says: “Younger women are good to show off. That is what every man wants, a gorgeous woman by his side.â€
However, not all these relationships are rosy. “Much Older men tend to neglect the social needs of their young lovers because they are at different stages of growth. They also have different likes and hobbies,†says Mary Butamanya, a senior relationship counsellor.
Benefits
Amelia, 24, is married to a 39-year-old man. She confesses that she married him for his financial stability but this has worked against her because he does not love her.
“Relationships should be based on mutual discussion and understanding between the couple,†says Mathias Ndyakira, a marriage counsellor.
“But it is different in cross generational marriages as the older partner tends to be authoritative.â€
He says the fight for power has led to the failure of many marriages, with men defending their ego and women asserting their authority.
Many older men tend to accuse their younger girlfriends of cheating on them because they think they are no longer attractive.
“But in some cross-generational relationships, older men are loving and in most cases, they treat their wives like their daughters,†Betty Ngabirano, a graduate.
Priscah, 27, whose husband is much older than her says: “My husband does not allow me to speak because he believes women cannot say anything sensible.â€
Whom should one date?
Cross generational relationships have a recurring factor in that most young men have resorted to dating young girls after their agemates have been taken by older men.
So what is the right age difference for a couple to be successful in their marriage?
“A difference of three to 10 years is alright, but anything above that may bring tension in the relationship†says Gilbert Kasibayo, a counsellor.
“It has been accepted that men should be older than the ladies so as to carry out their God-given duty of leadership in the home. This should be appreciated but not used to mistreat women as subjects who are inferior to men,†he asserts.
“A man should love his wife and ensure that all her needs are provided for. While it is also important for a wife to be there for her man, encouraging him and offering sound judgement in all matters, she should be the family’s source of love and moral support,†says Annet Nanyonga, a counsellor.
It is high time people realised that marriage is a partnership that should be enjoyed.
It is true that every couple will go through hard times, but if there is commitment and understanding from both sides, solving problems will be much simpler, despite the age difference.
THOU shall not engage in cross-generational sex,†is the seventh sin that Pope Benedict X announced last year. It set me wondering what he wanted to protect his faithful from.
King Solomon is quoted to have said that what draws a man to a woman is mystery; I believe that is what happens when people of different generations get attracted to each other and marry.
Recently, I witnessed a fight between what I had always considered a perfect couple. It was so fierce that it left me wondering whether age was just a number as they say, or there is more to it.
A month ago, David, 40, started suspecting that his wife Jane, 24, was cheating on him. He accused her of ‘investing’ his money in a younger man aged 27.
He took from her the car keys and ATM cards he had given her; and in no time, she had nothing except a six-month-old baby.
Lately, there are many marriages between older men and young girls; and older women and younger men, but what are the advantages and/or disadvantages of such relationships?
Age difference
“Age does not have much bearing on a relationship. It is all about what a couple feels for each other. The level of their compatibility matters a lot if they are looking at a future together,†says Josephine Mbabazi, 28.
Jamidah, 23, a single lady, says she is still learning about life and would like to grow with someone who shares a similar outlook on life, rather than one who will treat her like a child.
Dr. Annet Tumwebaze, a gynaecologist, says when a woman clocks menopause, she experiences hormonal imbalances. This may lead to reduced sexual urge, causing her husband to cheat on her. So many men want to marry women 20 years younger than them.
Fr. Thomas Akiiki, who counsels couples at Kakumiro Parish in Kibaale, says marriage has been abused, and cross-generational marriage has made the situation worse.
“Many young girls enter into marriage expecting to be treated like queens, only to find that they have begun a journey they need to face with clear-headedness.
“We are witnessing an accentuated deterioration of the family and a certain corrosion of marriage values. Divorces and separations are increasing, even during the first years of marriage,†he says.
The pros and cons
Some young women believe older men are more financially stable, have done it and seen it all and are mature.
James Kaine, a trader in Kikubo, says younger women are innocent and can be ‘tamed’. Therefore, they are likely to respect their older husbands like they would their fathers.
Edison Kintu, 44, says: “Younger women are good to show off. That is what every man wants, a gorgeous woman by his side.â€
However, not all these relationships are rosy. “Much Older men tend to neglect the social needs of their young lovers because they are at different stages of growth. They also have different likes and hobbies,†says Mary Butamanya, a senior relationship counsellor.
Benefits
Amelia, 24, is married to a 39-year-old man. She confesses that she married him for his financial stability but this has worked against her because he does not love her.
“Relationships should be based on mutual discussion and understanding between the couple,†says Mathias Ndyakira, a marriage counsellor.
“But it is different in cross generational marriages as the older partner tends to be authoritative.â€
He says the fight for power has led to the failure of many marriages, with men defending their ego and women asserting their authority.
Many older men tend to accuse their younger girlfriends of cheating on them because they think they are no longer attractive.
“But in some cross-generational relationships, older men are loving and in most cases, they treat their wives like their daughters,†Betty Ngabirano, a graduate.
Priscah, 27, whose husband is much older than her says: “My husband does not allow me to speak because he believes women cannot say anything sensible.â€
Whom should one date?
Cross generational relationships have a recurring factor in that most young men have resorted to dating young girls after their agemates have been taken by older men.
So what is the right age difference for a couple to be successful in their marriage?
“A difference of three to 10 years is alright, but anything above that may bring tension in the relationship†says Gilbert Kasibayo, a counsellor.
“It has been accepted that men should be older than the ladies so as to carry out their God-given duty of leadership in the home. This should be appreciated but not used to mistreat women as subjects who are inferior to men,†he asserts.
“A man should love his wife and ensure that all her needs are provided for. While it is also important for a wife to be there for her man, encouraging him and offering sound judgement in all matters, she should be the family’s source of love and moral support,†says Annet Nanyonga, a counsellor.
It is high time people realised that marriage is a partnership that should be enjoyed.
It is true that every couple will go through hard times, but if there is commitment and understanding from both sides, solving problems will be much simpler, despite the age difference.