Who are you in your partner’s phone book?
Feb 04, 2009
I took my elderly aunt to church here in Kampala and the choir kept singing ‘omwoyo,’ which means anus in Runyankole and as a direct consequence, she was admitted in hospital that evening.
By Hilary Bainemigisha
hbainemigisha@newvision.co.ug
I took my elderly aunt to church here in Kampala and the choir kept singing ‘omwoyo,’ which means anus in Runyankole and as a direct consequence, she was admitted in hospital that evening.
For, while the anus is an essential body part, my people in Rubindi will frown when it is used in church even when you call it holy. For them, it is like hanging Mufti Kayongo’s portrait in Mufti Mubajje’s sitting room. But in Luganda, it can easily mean the Holy Spirit — yes it can.
Now I want you to imagine what happened to my friend Ensi-egumire (but you can shorten it to Ensi-eg). He checked his girlfriend’s phone book and found his number saved as Ekyooyo, literally meaning a disgusting version of an innocent looking omwoyo.
Arrgghh! Sorry, Ensi-eg, it must be worse than police interrupting your kimansulo (strip tease) show in Nakulabye or GTV closing after you have paid for February.
Have you ever grabbed a moment’s chance to check your lover’s phone after he has gone to the rest room, is sleeping soundly or has forgotten it somewhere?
First, the heart will be pumping as if it intends to leap out, then the fingers will fidget and take you to Tones instead of Messages and, when you finally get to Messages, you cannot be sure which one to read first.
The one sent by Flo turns out harmless and you just open the one from Aunt just to see what his relative may be saying about you, and my God, it is appraising their last sexual encounter which was a few hours ago!
A mobile phone must have been invented as a very private accessory. It allows the owner to save her private impressions therein and many debates have used up lots of calories on whether Beloved should have access to that phone.
Often, a lover playing you tends to easily notice that his phone is missing and can interrupt a toilet function, or yank out of sleep to make sure you are not checking it.
Many times, the spirit wakes husbands up 10 minutes after falling asleep and dreaming that their wives are checking their phones.
And true enough, the wife and the phone will be missing from the bedroom. Tip-toeing to the sitting room will reveal a wife concentrating on the phone and making notes in her diary.
That is why suspicious female names are often saved as males, doctor, relatives and dangerous male names as dad, Maama-Susan or Boss.
And that is why it hurts when you check his phone and you are saved as Uncle instead of Darling. There must be a reason why you are not your name or an endearing title such as Sweetheart.
Even if you appear as Tigress or Lioness, it will not be easy to convince you that it was about your sexual performance and not disguising identity. But a debate will still rage inside your head long after that.
My friend found his name saved as Obama and that was not good enough, even when his campus girlfriend explained that he was indeed her Obama in all ways.
After he discussed with the ‘boys’, he stormed out of the bar, leaving his beer half-way, to return and demand his number reverts to his name — with a prefix Darling or she returns his phone.
But you can avoid all this.
You know how? Just don’t check. Sometimes it is better to live in fantasy — especially where matters of the heart are concerned.
You will avoid blood pressure if you find that your own man saved you as Vampire, or your woman as Fake or an exhaust pipe!
And is it any better if Ensi-eg demanded to be saved as Darling? Does being Darling by force stop her mind from visualising you as Ekyooyo, holy or not?
Look at my lips: knowledge is good and pursuit of it very noble. But for the heart, comfort is better. If she says you are the best, do not ask for proof. If he says you are the only one, believe it.
Just note it down and let them struggle with efforts to stand by their claims.
And please, keep off their phonebooks!
Especially mine — well, do not worry, my wife; I am joking.
But maybe I am not.
hbainemigisha@newvision.co.ug
I took my elderly aunt to church here in Kampala and the choir kept singing ‘omwoyo,’ which means anus in Runyankole and as a direct consequence, she was admitted in hospital that evening.
For, while the anus is an essential body part, my people in Rubindi will frown when it is used in church even when you call it holy. For them, it is like hanging Mufti Kayongo’s portrait in Mufti Mubajje’s sitting room. But in Luganda, it can easily mean the Holy Spirit — yes it can.
Now I want you to imagine what happened to my friend Ensi-egumire (but you can shorten it to Ensi-eg). He checked his girlfriend’s phone book and found his number saved as Ekyooyo, literally meaning a disgusting version of an innocent looking omwoyo.
Arrgghh! Sorry, Ensi-eg, it must be worse than police interrupting your kimansulo (strip tease) show in Nakulabye or GTV closing after you have paid for February.
Have you ever grabbed a moment’s chance to check your lover’s phone after he has gone to the rest room, is sleeping soundly or has forgotten it somewhere?
First, the heart will be pumping as if it intends to leap out, then the fingers will fidget and take you to Tones instead of Messages and, when you finally get to Messages, you cannot be sure which one to read first.
The one sent by Flo turns out harmless and you just open the one from Aunt just to see what his relative may be saying about you, and my God, it is appraising their last sexual encounter which was a few hours ago!
A mobile phone must have been invented as a very private accessory. It allows the owner to save her private impressions therein and many debates have used up lots of calories on whether Beloved should have access to that phone.
Often, a lover playing you tends to easily notice that his phone is missing and can interrupt a toilet function, or yank out of sleep to make sure you are not checking it.
Many times, the spirit wakes husbands up 10 minutes after falling asleep and dreaming that their wives are checking their phones.
And true enough, the wife and the phone will be missing from the bedroom. Tip-toeing to the sitting room will reveal a wife concentrating on the phone and making notes in her diary.
That is why suspicious female names are often saved as males, doctor, relatives and dangerous male names as dad, Maama-Susan or Boss.
And that is why it hurts when you check his phone and you are saved as Uncle instead of Darling. There must be a reason why you are not your name or an endearing title such as Sweetheart.
Even if you appear as Tigress or Lioness, it will not be easy to convince you that it was about your sexual performance and not disguising identity. But a debate will still rage inside your head long after that.
My friend found his name saved as Obama and that was not good enough, even when his campus girlfriend explained that he was indeed her Obama in all ways.
After he discussed with the ‘boys’, he stormed out of the bar, leaving his beer half-way, to return and demand his number reverts to his name — with a prefix Darling or she returns his phone.
But you can avoid all this.
You know how? Just don’t check. Sometimes it is better to live in fantasy — especially where matters of the heart are concerned.
You will avoid blood pressure if you find that your own man saved you as Vampire, or your woman as Fake or an exhaust pipe!
And is it any better if Ensi-eg demanded to be saved as Darling? Does being Darling by force stop her mind from visualising you as Ekyooyo, holy or not?
Look at my lips: knowledge is good and pursuit of it very noble. But for the heart, comfort is better. If she says you are the best, do not ask for proof. If he says you are the only one, believe it.
Just note it down and let them struggle with efforts to stand by their claims.
And please, keep off their phonebooks!
Especially mine — well, do not worry, my wife; I am joking.
But maybe I am not.