An outsider’s view on Valentine's day
Feb 13, 2009
An outsider’s view on Valentine's day
By Earnest Bazanye
One of the best ways to gain perspective on a controversial social issue is to step back for a moment and try to look at it from an outsider’s point of view. If you visit it with new, objective eyes, you will be able to understand it better.
Therefore, to get to grips with this Valentine’s conundrum, we could perhaps approach it as if we were explaining the phenomenon to a person who has never heard of it, such as an alien from another planet, or a person who has been living under a rock. Or in North Korea. Or even in Mityana, where The Crow Flies Upside Down. Let us stage a Q&A:
I have been hearing a lot about this Valentine thing since I arrived from my home planet of Mityana and I get the impression that it is a day to express your romantic love for a specific other. Why do you only express this love on one day of the year?
Who told you we only express it once a year?
I read a particularly cynical article. Several actually. This is a popular argument against Valentine’s. The Why-not-express-love-every-day faction is very loud and insistent.
And unoriginal, too. That’s like saying we shouldn’t mark Easter because our Lord Jesus is alive throughout the year. Look, don’t listen to newspaper writers. They just think it is cool to disagree with what’s popular.
Those of us from North Korea don’t know this Jesus.
Those of you from North Korea should drink a lot of water in this lifetime because it gets thirsty in hell. Now, the truth about Valentine’s is that it is Superdate Day. It is the day when the economy dedicates itself to providing you with the opportunity to go all out and impress your woman with the Date of Dates.
Most of us are broke or, at the very least, cheap, so even though we may express our love every day, we cannot always do it the flamboyant and opulent ways women seem to enjoy most. On this day when there is a bounty of romantic gestures made suddenly available for you to buy, really, you would have to be heartless and callous not to take advantage.
Sounds to me like the big companies are just exploiting you.
A: It’s not exploitation if you get something out of it.
I just spoke to a guy down the street. He was on the way to the drapers. He is a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of chap, so he is dreading the prospect of spending a whole evening in collars and socks, and is mad at the Valentine’s industry for making him do it.
Is that Ox? It is not our policy to comment on the legs of other men’s girlfriends, no matter how phenomenal they are, but tell him I’ve seen the outfit his girlfriend is going to wear on that evening. A few hours in a button down shirt is a paltry price to pay for the sight. It will knock his uncomfortable socks right off, I assure you.
Heh heh. And besides, they will be taking the clothes off later in the evening, won’t they? Heh heh.
Sshh! There may be kids reading this.
I meant take them off for laundry, of course.
A: Oh. I see. Yes, kids. It is for laundry, okay?
You keep saying “her†as if Valentine’s is all the work of the man. The woman is just the recipient here.
A: I say that because that is true. If it were otherwise it would not be Valentine’s, it would be pork at The Bar Day.
I hate to generalise by gender and to act as if all women need grand gestures of sentimentality to believe you love them and I hate to claim that all men are Neanderthals who are easy to please and that a platter, a beer and a bit of … laundry is all it takes to satisfy them. I do believe that in general, people like to feel special and cultural imperialism has provided a great way for you to make her feel great.
You get some good food and some nice wine while you are at it, so there is no reason to complain.
No reason at all?
A: Well, as long as you avoid any restaurant that thinks they should play Kenny G in the background.
One of the best ways to gain perspective on a controversial social issue is to step back for a moment and try to look at it from an outsider’s point of view. If you visit it with new, objective eyes, you will be able to understand it better.
Therefore, to get to grips with this Valentine’s conundrum, we could perhaps approach it as if we were explaining the phenomenon to a person who has never heard of it, such as an alien from another planet, or a person who has been living under a rock. Or in North Korea. Or even in Mityana, where The Crow Flies Upside Down. Let us stage a Q&A:
I have been hearing a lot about this Valentine thing since I arrived from my home planet of Mityana and I get the impression that it is a day to express your romantic love for a specific other. Why do you only express this love on one day of the year?
Who told you we only express it once a year?
I read a particularly cynical article. Several actually. This is a popular argument against Valentine’s. The Why-not-express-love-every-day faction is very loud and insistent.
And unoriginal, too. That’s like saying we shouldn’t mark Easter because our Lord Jesus is alive throughout the year. Look, don’t listen to newspaper writers. They just think it is cool to disagree with what’s popular.
Those of us from North Korea don’t know this Jesus.
Those of you from North Korea should drink a lot of water in this lifetime because it gets thirsty in hell. Now, the truth about Valentine’s is that it is Superdate Day. It is the day when the economy dedicates itself to providing you with the opportunity to go all out and impress your woman with the Date of Dates.
Most of us are broke or, at the very least, cheap, so even though we may express our love every day, we cannot always do it the flamboyant and opulent ways women seem to enjoy most. On this day when there is a bounty of romantic gestures made suddenly available for you to buy, really, you would have to be heartless and callous not to take advantage.
Sounds to me like the big companies are just exploiting you.
A: It’s not exploitation if you get something out of it.
I just spoke to a guy down the street. He was on the way to the drapers. He is a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of chap, so he is dreading the prospect of spending a whole evening in collars and socks, and is mad at the Valentine’s industry for making him do it.
Is that Ox? It is not our policy to comment on the legs of other men’s girlfriends, no matter how phenomenal they are, but tell him I’ve seen the outfit his girlfriend is going to wear on that evening. A few hours in a button down shirt is a paltry price to pay for the sight. It will knock his uncomfortable socks right off, I assure you.
Heh heh. And besides, they will be taking the clothes off later in the evening, won’t they? Heh heh.
Sshh! There may be kids reading this.
I meant take them off for laundry, of course.
A: Oh. I see. Yes, kids. It is for laundry, okay?
You keep saying “her†as if Valentine’s is all the work of the man. The woman is just the recipient here.
A: I say that because that is true. If it were otherwise it would not be Valentine’s, it would be pork at The Bar Day.
I hate to generalise by gender and to act as if all women need grand gestures of sentimentality to believe you love them and I hate to claim that all men are Neanderthals who are easy to please and that a platter, a beer and a bit of … laundry is all it takes to satisfy them. I do believe that in general, people like to feel special and cultural imperialism has provided a great way for you to make her feel great.
You get some good food and some nice wine while you are at it, so there is no reason to complain.
No reason at all?
A: Well, as long as you avoid any restaurant that thinks they should play Kenny G in the background.