Relationships: Can you be just friends with your ex?
May 21, 2009
STELLA and Henry met while in high school and dated right through to university for four years. They met when Stella’s family moved into the neighbourhood. <br>
By Carol Kezaabu
STELLA and Henry met while in high school and dated right through to university for four years. They met when Stella’s family moved into the neighbourhood.
With siblings within the same age bracket, the two families became close-knit and Henry and Stella developed a close bond.
After a year at university, Henry met another girl and ended the relationship with Stella. She was devastated but she says she soon got over him and they have been friends since then.
Not many relationships end amicably, but many people are able to maintain a healthy relationship after the romance has gone sour.
Henry says Stella’s family is still very much a part of his, so he sees her a lot. They remained close friends even after the break-up and he considers her one of his best friends.
She has also met his other girlfriends since the break-up and it is no big deal.
Henry, however, says his girlfriend of six months is driving him nuts and he wants to call it quits. She is constantly making snide remarks about Stella because she thinks Stella still has feelings for him.
Henry has explained that he ended the relationship so his conscience is clear. Stella has also not shown any interest in rekindling their romance, but Henry’s girlfriend is suspicious since Stella does not have a boyfriend.
She calls a lot and they even meet for lunch or a drink once in a while, but Henry says it is innocent. Does Henry’s girlfriend have reason to feel insecure?
Which begs the question, can people still be friends after a break-up and if so, how close should they be?
Joshua Musalo, a relationship counsellor and psychologist at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, says exs can be friends, but it ultimately depends on individual motives for wanting to be friends.
“The time after a relationship ends is too emotional for people to claim they can be friends. But given time to heal, people can forge a platonic relationship that is genuine,†Musalo says.
“If you still have unfinished business, a friendship is not so easy. It is always good to give yourself time before you get into another relationship to make sure you are over your ex.
He says if the break-up happened over some trivial issue and the two moved on to date other people immediately, they would still have some unresolved feelings if they tried to be friends and this would affect the relationships they are in.
The relationship might be over, but their feelings for the ex could still be very strong. They could also be unwilling to let go.
However much you may try to rationalise your motives, Musalo says, if you want to be friends when you still have feelings for your ex, you will probably end up getting drawn back in.
But how long should one wait afer a break up to reconnect with an ex as a friend?
“It is paramount that you give each other a break, probably six months, with little or no communication. Use this time to rediscover yourself now that you are no longer part of a couple,†Musalo says.
Becoming friends immediately can be confusing, especially for the person who was not ready to give up on the relationship. It is hard and requires a lot of time and patience.
Charles Mbaine, a banker, says he broke-up with his girlfriend, but decided to be friends and they would seek each other out and share the different things going on in their lives.
But when she told him she had met another guy, he could not handle it.
“Sex changes everything and once you have slept with someone you are probably always going to be attracted to them and will feel jealous of another person being in that position.
Musalo says staying close to your ex may also spoil any chance of future romantic relationships, especially if you are always comparing the new person to your ex.
People break-up for different reasons and some are so trivial that once you are in a new relationship, you realise you miss the other person.
Other people are still attached to their ex through children they have together or property. If your ex has such a relationship, you have to be watchful of how your partner interacts with the ex.
Nassali met Bob when he had just broken up with the mother of his child. He said they were over and had only stayed together for so long because of their child.
For several months they were happy until Bob started disappearing on weekends with no logical explanation. She found out he had made up with his ex!
There should be a level of detachment when dealing with exs.
Brenda says anyone who is best friends with an ex is living in denial. She has maintained close ties with some of her exs, but learnt the hard way that an ex is a hard person to befriend.
She dated Dennis for a year until she caught him cheating. They did not speak for three months, but eventually she accepted his apology and they decided to be friends.
She still had feelings for him, but he had already moved on and was dating another girl. Dennis would confide in her about the new relationship, but one night after he quarrelled with his girlfriend, he came over to see her — one thing led to another and they slept together.
She became his side woman whenever he had problems with his girlfriend. She kept hoping they would get back together and by the time she realised it was not going to happen, two years had gone by.
He was foiling every possible new relationship with false promises. She eventually gave him an ultimatum, but he chose to stay with the other woman, leaving her to start afresh.
Exs can be friends, but they have to draw the line on how close they get. If you want to be friends with the ex, you have to make sure you are over him or her and both your intentions are good.
STELLA and Henry met while in high school and dated right through to university for four years. They met when Stella’s family moved into the neighbourhood.
With siblings within the same age bracket, the two families became close-knit and Henry and Stella developed a close bond.
After a year at university, Henry met another girl and ended the relationship with Stella. She was devastated but she says she soon got over him and they have been friends since then.
Not many relationships end amicably, but many people are able to maintain a healthy relationship after the romance has gone sour.
Henry says Stella’s family is still very much a part of his, so he sees her a lot. They remained close friends even after the break-up and he considers her one of his best friends.
She has also met his other girlfriends since the break-up and it is no big deal.
Henry, however, says his girlfriend of six months is driving him nuts and he wants to call it quits. She is constantly making snide remarks about Stella because she thinks Stella still has feelings for him.
Henry has explained that he ended the relationship so his conscience is clear. Stella has also not shown any interest in rekindling their romance, but Henry’s girlfriend is suspicious since Stella does not have a boyfriend.
She calls a lot and they even meet for lunch or a drink once in a while, but Henry says it is innocent. Does Henry’s girlfriend have reason to feel insecure?
Which begs the question, can people still be friends after a break-up and if so, how close should they be?
Joshua Musalo, a relationship counsellor and psychologist at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, says exs can be friends, but it ultimately depends on individual motives for wanting to be friends.
“The time after a relationship ends is too emotional for people to claim they can be friends. But given time to heal, people can forge a platonic relationship that is genuine,†Musalo says.
“If you still have unfinished business, a friendship is not so easy. It is always good to give yourself time before you get into another relationship to make sure you are over your ex.
He says if the break-up happened over some trivial issue and the two moved on to date other people immediately, they would still have some unresolved feelings if they tried to be friends and this would affect the relationships they are in.
The relationship might be over, but their feelings for the ex could still be very strong. They could also be unwilling to let go.
However much you may try to rationalise your motives, Musalo says, if you want to be friends when you still have feelings for your ex, you will probably end up getting drawn back in.
But how long should one wait afer a break up to reconnect with an ex as a friend?
“It is paramount that you give each other a break, probably six months, with little or no communication. Use this time to rediscover yourself now that you are no longer part of a couple,†Musalo says.
Becoming friends immediately can be confusing, especially for the person who was not ready to give up on the relationship. It is hard and requires a lot of time and patience.
Charles Mbaine, a banker, says he broke-up with his girlfriend, but decided to be friends and they would seek each other out and share the different things going on in their lives.
But when she told him she had met another guy, he could not handle it.
“Sex changes everything and once you have slept with someone you are probably always going to be attracted to them and will feel jealous of another person being in that position.
Musalo says staying close to your ex may also spoil any chance of future romantic relationships, especially if you are always comparing the new person to your ex.
People break-up for different reasons and some are so trivial that once you are in a new relationship, you realise you miss the other person.
Other people are still attached to their ex through children they have together or property. If your ex has such a relationship, you have to be watchful of how your partner interacts with the ex.
Nassali met Bob when he had just broken up with the mother of his child. He said they were over and had only stayed together for so long because of their child.
For several months they were happy until Bob started disappearing on weekends with no logical explanation. She found out he had made up with his ex!
There should be a level of detachment when dealing with exs.
Brenda says anyone who is best friends with an ex is living in denial. She has maintained close ties with some of her exs, but learnt the hard way that an ex is a hard person to befriend.
She dated Dennis for a year until she caught him cheating. They did not speak for three months, but eventually she accepted his apology and they decided to be friends.
She still had feelings for him, but he had already moved on and was dating another girl. Dennis would confide in her about the new relationship, but one night after he quarrelled with his girlfriend, he came over to see her — one thing led to another and they slept together.
She became his side woman whenever he had problems with his girlfriend. She kept hoping they would get back together and by the time she realised it was not going to happen, two years had gone by.
He was foiling every possible new relationship with false promises. She eventually gave him an ultimatum, but he chose to stay with the other woman, leaving her to start afresh.
Exs can be friends, but they have to draw the line on how close they get. If you want to be friends with the ex, you have to make sure you are over him or her and both your intentions are good.