Mothers-in-law- Are they all from hell?
Jun 11, 2009
I am glad my mother-in-law died before I met my husband,†Rita snapped. Rita and a couple of friends were offering tips to Linda, a bride-to–be. Like Rita, a number of women live under the assumption that a mother-in–law has to be from hell!
By Susan Muyiyi
I am glad my mother-in-law died before I met my husband,†Rita snapped. Rita and a couple of friends were offering tips to Linda, a bride-to–be. Like Rita, a number of women live under the assumption that a mother-in–law has to be from hell!
Truth be told. Some women have had the mothers of their husbands stir up feelings they did not think existed.
Is the relationship between a mother and her son’s wife doomed from the beginning or is it just a stereotype? Anne Asiimwe, a counsellor, points out that most of the conflict brews from misconceptions.
A man learns a lot, if not everything about how to relate with women from his mother.
“Without knowing it, the man expects his wife to act like his mother in aspects like nurturing.
His wife, on the other hand, will blame his mother and get defensive.†The mother-in-law does not have to have done or said anything wrong.
There is a strong bond between a woman and her son, which existed before you came into the picture. It takes some time for you to be incorporated into the system. Asiimwe says this causes a lot of conflict during the first year of marriage.
The lack of universally accepted social etiquette, defining boundaries in this relationship could be part of the cause for cold wars between the two women.
Hadijah Lunkuse, a 40-year-old married woman with five children, says her mother instructed her on how to relate with her future mother-–in-law.
“I was taught the dos and don’ts like not waiting to be served when I visit my husband’s ancestral home.
In the Kiganda culture, a wife is expected to be able to prepare a sumptuous meal.†Failure to do so could offend your mother-in-law.
Robinah would have benefited from this kind of tip. She is an outgoing person who slaps your back so hard when she has a hearty laugh.
Her hand landed on her mother-in-law’s shoulder as she enjoyed a silly joke that did not go down well with her husband’s mother.
“Imagine the embarrassment I felt when our eyes locked! My husband later told me how she had scolded him for my mistake,†Robinah narrates.
Now Robinah knows better. Initially, she did not think it was important for her to set boundaries when relating with her mother-in-law.
Had the scenario played itself when she was with her own mother, they both would have laughed.
Elizabeth Masaba, a marriage counsellor, says the kind of relationship a daughter-in-law has with her mother-in-law depends on the relationship with her birth mother.
A woman may start off the relationship with her mother-in-law filled with the negativity because of the experiences she has had with her own mother.
By the time you meet your mother-in-law, there is shallowness in the relationship.
Most likely, you are keeping up appearances to make an impression. Masaba, however, says starting a relationship with your mother-in-law is not a piece of cake.
Sometimes, the age gap strains the relationship more. In most cases, the mother and her son’s wife are of different generations.
Attempts to be nice are done mechanically because the emotional intimacy does not automatically surface just because you are married to her son.
Masaba says you need to learn how to blend.
“If women from your husband’s tribe behave a certain way, learn the secrets like cooking and mannerisms to wade off any attacks,†she cautions.
Masaba says the relationship between a wife and her mother-in-law affects the way she relates with his entire family. Masaba’s advice is to win them over.
Monica, for instance, realised that remaining indifferent to her mother-in-law was not going to make her life easy.
Her husband’s sisters camped at his house and did what they wanted until she joined arms with her mother-in-law.
But not everyone is complaining. Stella says: “When I was having problems conceiving, my mother-in-law escorted me to most of the doctor’s appointments and nursed me when I finally gave birth.
My husband and I have borrowed money from her on several occasions.†She taught Stella nice recipes, especially for her last born, a picky eater.
You can choose your husband, but not mother-in-law. You can, however, have a fulfilling relationship with her if you work at it.
Is your daughter-in-law a threat?
Some mothers just will not let their sons go. “The possessiveness of the mother is enough to draw battle lines between the two,†says Anne Asiimwe, a counsellor.
A possessive mother finds her daughter-in-law a threat. She has unfounded fears that her son will abandon her.
Such a mother might even feign problems to divert her son’s attention from his family.
Agreeing and disagreeing helps the two understand each other. How else will you know what works? Masaba asks.
Women who have had problematic relationships with their mothers-in-law will most likely act out their frustrations on their daughters-in-law.
There is a likelihood that comparisons will be made between a woman’s mother-in-law and her own mother.
I am glad my mother-in-law died before I met my husband,†Rita snapped. Rita and a couple of friends were offering tips to Linda, a bride-to–be. Like Rita, a number of women live under the assumption that a mother-in–law has to be from hell!
Truth be told. Some women have had the mothers of their husbands stir up feelings they did not think existed.
Is the relationship between a mother and her son’s wife doomed from the beginning or is it just a stereotype? Anne Asiimwe, a counsellor, points out that most of the conflict brews from misconceptions.
A man learns a lot, if not everything about how to relate with women from his mother.
“Without knowing it, the man expects his wife to act like his mother in aspects like nurturing.
His wife, on the other hand, will blame his mother and get defensive.†The mother-in-law does not have to have done or said anything wrong.
There is a strong bond between a woman and her son, which existed before you came into the picture. It takes some time for you to be incorporated into the system. Asiimwe says this causes a lot of conflict during the first year of marriage.
The lack of universally accepted social etiquette, defining boundaries in this relationship could be part of the cause for cold wars between the two women.
Hadijah Lunkuse, a 40-year-old married woman with five children, says her mother instructed her on how to relate with her future mother-–in-law.
“I was taught the dos and don’ts like not waiting to be served when I visit my husband’s ancestral home.
In the Kiganda culture, a wife is expected to be able to prepare a sumptuous meal.†Failure to do so could offend your mother-in-law.
Robinah would have benefited from this kind of tip. She is an outgoing person who slaps your back so hard when she has a hearty laugh.
Her hand landed on her mother-in-law’s shoulder as she enjoyed a silly joke that did not go down well with her husband’s mother.
“Imagine the embarrassment I felt when our eyes locked! My husband later told me how she had scolded him for my mistake,†Robinah narrates.
Now Robinah knows better. Initially, she did not think it was important for her to set boundaries when relating with her mother-in-law.
Had the scenario played itself when she was with her own mother, they both would have laughed.
Elizabeth Masaba, a marriage counsellor, says the kind of relationship a daughter-in-law has with her mother-in-law depends on the relationship with her birth mother.
A woman may start off the relationship with her mother-in-law filled with the negativity because of the experiences she has had with her own mother.
By the time you meet your mother-in-law, there is shallowness in the relationship.
Most likely, you are keeping up appearances to make an impression. Masaba, however, says starting a relationship with your mother-in-law is not a piece of cake.
Sometimes, the age gap strains the relationship more. In most cases, the mother and her son’s wife are of different generations.
Attempts to be nice are done mechanically because the emotional intimacy does not automatically surface just because you are married to her son.
Masaba says you need to learn how to blend.
“If women from your husband’s tribe behave a certain way, learn the secrets like cooking and mannerisms to wade off any attacks,†she cautions.
Masaba says the relationship between a wife and her mother-in-law affects the way she relates with his entire family. Masaba’s advice is to win them over.
Monica, for instance, realised that remaining indifferent to her mother-in-law was not going to make her life easy.
Her husband’s sisters camped at his house and did what they wanted until she joined arms with her mother-in-law.
But not everyone is complaining. Stella says: “When I was having problems conceiving, my mother-in-law escorted me to most of the doctor’s appointments and nursed me when I finally gave birth.
My husband and I have borrowed money from her on several occasions.†She taught Stella nice recipes, especially for her last born, a picky eater.
You can choose your husband, but not mother-in-law. You can, however, have a fulfilling relationship with her if you work at it.
Is your daughter-in-law a threat?
Some mothers just will not let their sons go. “The possessiveness of the mother is enough to draw battle lines between the two,†says Anne Asiimwe, a counsellor.
A possessive mother finds her daughter-in-law a threat. She has unfounded fears that her son will abandon her.
Such a mother might even feign problems to divert her son’s attention from his family.
Agreeing and disagreeing helps the two understand each other. How else will you know what works? Masaba asks.
Women who have had problematic relationships with their mothers-in-law will most likely act out their frustrations on their daughters-in-law.
There is a likelihood that comparisons will be made between a woman’s mother-in-law and her own mother.