Are you a good dad?

Jun 19, 2009

MEN know the special things they wanted from their dads and, as fathers, they know what they are capable of. Even for us girls, a father is a very important figure in our lives. Anyone can father a child, but it takes a real man to be a daddy. <b>Anne Ab

ANYONE can father a child, but it takes a real man to be a daddy. Anne Abaho shares her findings of an international conference on fatherhood in Syracuse, New York.

MEN know the special things they wanted from their dads and, as fathers, they know what they are capable of. Even for us girls, a father is a very important figure in our lives. He is our pillar, our fountain of respect and strength. Science says daughters develop a special relationship with dads, perhaps more than with mums. And when we later make our choices for husbands, we tend to prefer the one who has similar traits to dad.

I was privileged to be one of the organisers of a seminar on fatherhood by Syracuse, New York’s esteemed university. We had presenters, religious leaders, researchers and authors of a multi-racial, multi-denominational selection, who shared views on fatherhood.

I made my notes with specific references to such books as, Fathering: Strengthening Connection With Your Children No Matter Where You Are by Will Glennon, An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood by Michael Lewis, Passions of Fatherhood by Dr. Sam Osherson and Finding Time for Fatherhood by Dr. Linton. There is also an audio source, Wholehearted Parenting by John Daido Loori Roshi.
For African men and Ugandans in particular, modern and relevant fatherhood will include the following:

Partnership with the mother

Parenting may present itself with gender roles but often, these interact. While traditional society kept them distinct, modern fatherhood succeeds when the roles overlap. Dad must help tend to the children.

A good father must also recognise the role of the mother. This involves unity in the face of controversy, sharing secrets and findings, hiding conflicts and supporting each other where children are concerned. “Be on the same page about how to discipline your child and be consistent,” says Glennon.

Respecting the children’s mother is important whether you are married or not. The way you treat their mother will influence the way they will view their own role when they become parents.

Play with the children

Forget fathers of the past who were more authoritarian, serious and scary. A modern dad plays with his kids. Playtime with dad is so essential even if it is for a few minutes. Responsibilities or interests should not deny you the chance to spend quality time with the kids because they are your primary responsibility. Such opportunities pass very fast if you don’t grab them now. “If you don’t establish intimacy with your children when they are young, it will be difficult to catch up when they are older,” says Osherson

Lead by example

Be a teacher in both word and actions. Children need to be taught right from wrong and will need to see it demonstrated by their father. Make decisions in front of them and explain to them why you came to that conclusion. Let your children know that everybody makes mistakes and that the important thing is to learn from them and to avoid making mistakes over again.

Remain a pillar

In spite of the challenges from scarce resources to physical threats, a good dad must provide physical, financial and emotional protection. Children should be able to draw confidence from your presence. This requires planning, strategy and innovation.

Discipline

While discipline is a key point in rearing children, resorting to physical, pain-inflicting punishments will not always be a solution. Research has revealed that smacking and lashing a child eventually turns them violent and rebellious. Discipline does not mean physical violence. Discover alternative punishments which should be aimed at behavioural change.

Another modern challenge to affluent fathers is pampering and buying popularity. Giving children anything they want is not an indication of being a loving father. True love also includes teaching of virtues such as patience and earning what they desire.

Life long duty
Being a father has no expiry date. Do not assume that once your children grow into adults, your work is done. While it is important to encourage your children to become financially and emotionally independent, it is also important to let them know that you care and are always there for them and that they are valued. And remember, even if all your children died, you are still a father figure to society’s young.

Learn to be realistic
According to Linton, men tend to associate financial input to result. And soon, they place unreasonable expectations on the children just because they (the men) are investing a lot in the kids’ education, health and general upkeep.

A child’s life can be filled with pressures from siblings, kids at school, teachers, other relatives and then parents. It is your duty to help them to assess their capabilities so that they can set achievable goals. Avoid living vicariously through them by expecting them to achieve what you had achieved or hoped to have achieved. This is a common problem of very successful dads.

The spiritual father

It is not enough to cater for the physical needs of your children and leave the spiritual matters to the mother, teacher, pastor, or God parent. This is the biggest challenge of fathers in modern Uganda. “In my opinion, one of our greatest problems today is that people are going into life, into ministry or leadership of some kind without ever having been mentored or fathered themselves,” says Daido.

“A spiritual father is a good foundation in building strong personal spirits into our lives.” He says this helps us understand the identity of God the Father right from infancy.

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