How to talk to your child
Sep 01, 2009
I RECENTLY had a chat with a couple that was facing a challenge with their 20–year–old son’s career choice. <br>I asked them to describe the boy’s strengths, weaknesses, ambitions, temperament and talents. The two middle-aged parents stared at ea
PARENTING
Jamesa Wagwau
I RECENTLY had a chat with a couple that was facing a challenge with their 20–year–old son’s career choice.
I asked them to describe the boy’s strengths, weaknesses, ambitions, temperament and talents. The two middle-aged parents stared at each other blankly.
‘Can’t you answer that?’ the man whispered to his wife. The lady then scratched her head trying to recall what to say about her son. Suddenly, reality dawned on me. Being a parent does not automatically make you know your child. It is more than just knowing their names, class or age.
It is a deep understanding of the person behind the face, the character behind the name and the potentials within the individual. It is the ability to connect with your child in your own way — a connection that makes you operate more as ‘soul mates’ than just parent and child.
It calls for huge investment of quality time. The first step towards knowing your child is building intimacy and you cannot do this without quality time spent regularly. Real intimacy requires you to enter into your child’s emotional and physical world. Ask open–ended questions which encourage the child to open up:
You do not look very happy today. What could be bothering you?
What are your greatest dreams?
How do you find extracurricular activities at school?
If you were asked to change something in our home, what would you change?
These questions open avenues for discussion and enable you to explore your child’s dreams, feelings, and expectations. As the child opens his heart to you, look at him directly in the eye. Direct eye contact communicates volumes about the worth you attach to the child. Your child is a total stranger who came to the world with no user manual. Parenting is a God-given journey of discovery. There is a lot to learn about yourself and your child if you open your heart to this discovery.
It will shock you to discover that each child has a distinctly different personality that is not shared by the parents. Each child remains a ‘mystery’ to be unraveled and each day presents opportunities for discovery.
In a society steeped in materialism, spending more time with a child is a painful choice to many.
Giving your family first priority means sacrificing some career opportunities that might stand in the way of your family time.
It means investing in your children’s emotional life; an investment whose dividends will materialise in years to come. Making deposits in children’s ‘emotional bank’ provides them with huge lifetime interests.
Have you heard of people described as ‘total failures’ in life in spite of their first class education? Did you know that success in all areas of a child’s life depends on the ‘deposits’ you have made on the child’s ‘emotional bank account’?
Life’s fast pace might derail you from making the right family decisions. But if you have the child under your roof, it is never too late to build intimacy.
It takes patience, sacrifice and quality time to sow seeds for real intimacy. Just like an American author, Garrison Keillor once wrote, ‘nothing you do for children is ever wasted.’
The writer is a professional counsellor
jwagwau@newvisionco.ug
Jamesa Wagwau
I RECENTLY had a chat with a couple that was facing a challenge with their 20–year–old son’s career choice.
I asked them to describe the boy’s strengths, weaknesses, ambitions, temperament and talents. The two middle-aged parents stared at each other blankly.
‘Can’t you answer that?’ the man whispered to his wife. The lady then scratched her head trying to recall what to say about her son. Suddenly, reality dawned on me. Being a parent does not automatically make you know your child. It is more than just knowing their names, class or age.
It is a deep understanding of the person behind the face, the character behind the name and the potentials within the individual. It is the ability to connect with your child in your own way — a connection that makes you operate more as ‘soul mates’ than just parent and child.
It calls for huge investment of quality time. The first step towards knowing your child is building intimacy and you cannot do this without quality time spent regularly. Real intimacy requires you to enter into your child’s emotional and physical world. Ask open–ended questions which encourage the child to open up:
These questions open avenues for discussion and enable you to explore your child’s dreams, feelings, and expectations. As the child opens his heart to you, look at him directly in the eye. Direct eye contact communicates volumes about the worth you attach to the child. Your child is a total stranger who came to the world with no user manual. Parenting is a God-given journey of discovery. There is a lot to learn about yourself and your child if you open your heart to this discovery.
It will shock you to discover that each child has a distinctly different personality that is not shared by the parents. Each child remains a ‘mystery’ to be unraveled and each day presents opportunities for discovery.
In a society steeped in materialism, spending more time with a child is a painful choice to many.
Giving your family first priority means sacrificing some career opportunities that might stand in the way of your family time.
It means investing in your children’s emotional life; an investment whose dividends will materialise in years to come. Making deposits in children’s ‘emotional bank’ provides them with huge lifetime interests.
Have you heard of people described as ‘total failures’ in life in spite of their first class education? Did you know that success in all areas of a child’s life depends on the ‘deposits’ you have made on the child’s ‘emotional bank account’?
Life’s fast pace might derail you from making the right family decisions. But if you have the child under your roof, it is never too late to build intimacy.
It takes patience, sacrifice and quality time to sow seeds for real intimacy. Just like an American author, Garrison Keillor once wrote, ‘nothing you do for children is ever wasted.’
The writer is a professional counsellor
jwagwau@newvisionco.ug