When can I tell him I love him?
Sep 18, 2009
THE movies, the beach, a quiet restaurant. First going out with friends, then just alone. Things are getting serious — you think about him when you don’t receive a call or text from him in several days.
BY REBECCA HARSHBARGER
THE movies, the beach, a quiet restaurant. First going out with friends, then just alone. Things are getting serious — you think about him when you don’t receive a call or text from him in several days. Or maybe you took him to your sister’s house and the sight of your new man interacting with your family pushed those three words to the tip of your tongue.
You wonder when the right moment is to say it and how he might react. And you wonder what you will do if when you say it, whether he will hug you instead of saying it back, or worse, laugh.
The first few times a couple says ‘I love you’ are joyous, but can be laden with traps. One person could just be using the phrase to satisfy selfish demands, such as a desire to pull the other person into their bed. One partner could feel more in love than the other and if the three-word phrase is blurted out, she could scare off the man.
“When the phrase is said, it should be shown in action as well,†advised Jean Nuwagaba, a counsellor at Care Counselling Centre in Bukoto. “When it is said with good intentions, it can boost the relationship. But there is a need to back it up with a lot of consistency.â€
When you choose to say “I love you†is up to you, but Nuwagaba advises that you must be able to back up the phrase with loving actions. In fact, your behaviour can actually reveal whether it is time yet for you to say the words.
First, examine whether your actions convey trust, a major indicator of love. Do you take him at his word or question what he says with suspicion? Do you go through his phone and e-mails for hints of infidelity, or do you trust that he is faithful?
Second, you should examine whether your actions show compassion. Do you listen to your partner’s problems, support him when he feels low and make sacrifices when he needs help? Finally, Nuwagaba emphasises that love is built upon reliability and companionship. Are you punctual when you agree to meet? Do you call when you promise to? And as his companion, do you make room in your schedule for him, even when you are feeling stressed? For instance, when you are looking at your upcoming plans, do you leave an opening to spend time with him? It demonstrates both your reliability and sense of companionship.
If you think about these questions, it is obvious that you are taking the phrase seriously. However, what do you do if a man you’ve not developed emotional or physical intimacy with tells you that he loves you? You could end up distancing yourself from him, because he moved too quickly.
According to Dr Patrick Mwase, a psychologist at Makerere University’s Psychiatric Institute, individuals who rush into saying ‘I love you’ might suffer from communication problems. Wanting to convey quickly what a wonderful time they had, or unable to verbalise how much they appreciated meeting you, they might blurt out that they love you.
Although movies and novels have romanticised the concept of love at first sight, it could be more likely that someone who quickly says ‘I love you’ has either communication problems, or may want to manipulate you.
“Commitment will come gradually, it doesn’t come there and then,†said Mwase, who believes that this rush to blurt out one’s love is more common in young people.
“Young people don’t have a clear understanding of what commitment is — and the difference between commitment and attaining your goals quickly. Love is something that lasts and is shown through actions.†For instance, a woman eager to get a boyfriend might quickly express her love after a few dates, but might not realise the extent of the commitment that she is making.
If you love him and your actions are consistent with your feelings, don’t wait too long to say it. “Waiting too long to express your commitment could cause a problem,†says Dr Paul Nyende, a social psychologist at Makerere University’s Department of Mental Health and Community Psychology. “Commitment is a stabilising factor in relationships.â€
In addition to telling your partner you love him, Nyende recommends that you demonstrate your commitment by showing affection and expressing concern for any issue he is struggling with.
You can also express, verbally, your happiness with the level of intimacy you feel with him.
THE movies, the beach, a quiet restaurant. First going out with friends, then just alone. Things are getting serious — you think about him when you don’t receive a call or text from him in several days. Or maybe you took him to your sister’s house and the sight of your new man interacting with your family pushed those three words to the tip of your tongue.
You wonder when the right moment is to say it and how he might react. And you wonder what you will do if when you say it, whether he will hug you instead of saying it back, or worse, laugh.
The first few times a couple says ‘I love you’ are joyous, but can be laden with traps. One person could just be using the phrase to satisfy selfish demands, such as a desire to pull the other person into their bed. One partner could feel more in love than the other and if the three-word phrase is blurted out, she could scare off the man.
“When the phrase is said, it should be shown in action as well,†advised Jean Nuwagaba, a counsellor at Care Counselling Centre in Bukoto. “When it is said with good intentions, it can boost the relationship. But there is a need to back it up with a lot of consistency.â€
When you choose to say “I love you†is up to you, but Nuwagaba advises that you must be able to back up the phrase with loving actions. In fact, your behaviour can actually reveal whether it is time yet for you to say the words.
First, examine whether your actions convey trust, a major indicator of love. Do you take him at his word or question what he says with suspicion? Do you go through his phone and e-mails for hints of infidelity, or do you trust that he is faithful?
Second, you should examine whether your actions show compassion. Do you listen to your partner’s problems, support him when he feels low and make sacrifices when he needs help? Finally, Nuwagaba emphasises that love is built upon reliability and companionship. Are you punctual when you agree to meet? Do you call when you promise to? And as his companion, do you make room in your schedule for him, even when you are feeling stressed? For instance, when you are looking at your upcoming plans, do you leave an opening to spend time with him? It demonstrates both your reliability and sense of companionship.
If you think about these questions, it is obvious that you are taking the phrase seriously. However, what do you do if a man you’ve not developed emotional or physical intimacy with tells you that he loves you? You could end up distancing yourself from him, because he moved too quickly.
According to Dr Patrick Mwase, a psychologist at Makerere University’s Psychiatric Institute, individuals who rush into saying ‘I love you’ might suffer from communication problems. Wanting to convey quickly what a wonderful time they had, or unable to verbalise how much they appreciated meeting you, they might blurt out that they love you.
Although movies and novels have romanticised the concept of love at first sight, it could be more likely that someone who quickly says ‘I love you’ has either communication problems, or may want to manipulate you.
“Commitment will come gradually, it doesn’t come there and then,†said Mwase, who believes that this rush to blurt out one’s love is more common in young people.
“Young people don’t have a clear understanding of what commitment is — and the difference between commitment and attaining your goals quickly. Love is something that lasts and is shown through actions.†For instance, a woman eager to get a boyfriend might quickly express her love after a few dates, but might not realise the extent of the commitment that she is making.
If you love him and your actions are consistent with your feelings, don’t wait too long to say it. “Waiting too long to express your commitment could cause a problem,†says Dr Paul Nyende, a social psychologist at Makerere University’s Department of Mental Health and Community Psychology. “Commitment is a stabilising factor in relationships.â€
In addition to telling your partner you love him, Nyende recommends that you demonstrate your commitment by showing affection and expressing concern for any issue he is struggling with.
You can also express, verbally, your happiness with the level of intimacy you feel with him.