Must your wedding night be a do or die?
Sep 18, 2009
Time comes and the bride and groom have to leave the guests to be alone. Many expect them to consummate their marriage and everything is supposed to be in top form.
By Anne Abaho
Time comes and the bride and groom have to leave the guests to be alone. Many expect them to consummate their marriage and everything is supposed to be in top form.
It should be an exciting agenda but many of those who have lived through it remember only nervousness and anxiety. “I tried to suppress the fear,†said Samson Isabirye, who wed Liz on August 8. “I didn’t want to set standards.â€
“I was scared too and wouldn’t have minded if he had failed,†Liz, his wife said. “Marriage is much more than sex.†This couple had a survival strategy for their first night in marriage. But many couples suffer in silence and end up messing up what would have been a fun night had they prepared better.
Virgins
Wedding night anxiety can attack anybody but it is worse when you are virgins. Thanks to chastity programmes, many people are attaining marriage as virgins. But men still expect a seductress - even on her first night in action. The bride may not know how to handle the first time pain, expectation and tension. She may have been told that the marriage will collapse if the man is not satisfied with the sex.
It is worse for the groom. Society expects men to know what to do and rarely prepares senga lessons for them.
Men associate their self esteem with sexual prowess and fear that failure would erode their wives’ respect and fidelity. Things worsen when they fear that the wife is more experienced. They are too proud to disclose that they are virgins and stumble along, probably making a disappointing first impression. Experts say anxiety affects performance.
Bonding
From a peer survey of married people, majority say sex is a must on the wedding night. But most women complained that sex was the only thing on the minds of their husbands. They pounced as soon as the doors closed.
Actually, according to the Rev. Peter Khumalo, a writer and marriage therapist, the first night should be dedicated to bonding, where sex may not be compulsory.
That way, the pressure to perform goes and this improves a couple’s rapport. “If the couple is not familiar with each other,†he says, “they should avoid sex on the first night until both of them are physically and emotionally relaxed.â€
Khumalo gives an example of an arranged marriage, where it may be difficult to open up on the first night.
Kajwengye mwene Nkuba of Save Our Marriages, an NGO operating in Namirembe, concurs. “The first night is the most opportune for bonding because the excitement, motivation and determination to make it work are high. Taking time to know each other will get the pressure off sex and when it comes, it will be great.â€
He suggests activities like bathing together, giving each other massage, watching a romantic movie and talking about your future opportunities. Have love letters waiting on each other’s pillows and doing something romantic out of the ordinary for each other to show how happy you are to finally be married. “You have announced your love to the world; now announce it again to one another,†he says.
Experts agree that paying a lot of attention to sex misses the point, brings tension and hurries the fun.
Sex
You have to balance your need for sex with the readiness of your partner. Help each other to achieve the utmost consumation. Include extended foreplay to allow for relaxation, confidence, lubrication and greater fun.
Above all, Grace Kigonya, 74, an usher at Namirembe Cathedral and chief senga (aunt) at Nnabageleka’s Ekisaakaate (cultural camp) advises, think more about intimacy than sex.
Joseph Musaalo, a counsellor at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, adds that the fear of first time sex is often exaggerated. “Animals do it without anyone teaching them!†He says. “Sex is natural and the best experience is exploring your partner in love.â€
Nevertheless, Pastor John Ekudu advises couples not to expect too much from the first encounter. “Orgasm may not be possible and if it comes, may not be as explosive and sex may not last as long as you want. But just enjoy it and let her know how much you enjoyed it,†he says.
Time comes and the bride and groom have to leave the guests to be alone. Many expect them to consummate their marriage and everything is supposed to be in top form.
It should be an exciting agenda but many of those who have lived through it remember only nervousness and anxiety. “I tried to suppress the fear,†said Samson Isabirye, who wed Liz on August 8. “I didn’t want to set standards.â€
“I was scared too and wouldn’t have minded if he had failed,†Liz, his wife said. “Marriage is much more than sex.†This couple had a survival strategy for their first night in marriage. But many couples suffer in silence and end up messing up what would have been a fun night had they prepared better.
Virgins
Wedding night anxiety can attack anybody but it is worse when you are virgins. Thanks to chastity programmes, many people are attaining marriage as virgins. But men still expect a seductress - even on her first night in action. The bride may not know how to handle the first time pain, expectation and tension. She may have been told that the marriage will collapse if the man is not satisfied with the sex.
It is worse for the groom. Society expects men to know what to do and rarely prepares senga lessons for them.
Men associate their self esteem with sexual prowess and fear that failure would erode their wives’ respect and fidelity. Things worsen when they fear that the wife is more experienced. They are too proud to disclose that they are virgins and stumble along, probably making a disappointing first impression. Experts say anxiety affects performance.
Bonding
From a peer survey of married people, majority say sex is a must on the wedding night. But most women complained that sex was the only thing on the minds of their husbands. They pounced as soon as the doors closed.
Actually, according to the Rev. Peter Khumalo, a writer and marriage therapist, the first night should be dedicated to bonding, where sex may not be compulsory.
That way, the pressure to perform goes and this improves a couple’s rapport. “If the couple is not familiar with each other,†he says, “they should avoid sex on the first night until both of them are physically and emotionally relaxed.â€
Khumalo gives an example of an arranged marriage, where it may be difficult to open up on the first night.
Kajwengye mwene Nkuba of Save Our Marriages, an NGO operating in Namirembe, concurs. “The first night is the most opportune for bonding because the excitement, motivation and determination to make it work are high. Taking time to know each other will get the pressure off sex and when it comes, it will be great.â€
He suggests activities like bathing together, giving each other massage, watching a romantic movie and talking about your future opportunities. Have love letters waiting on each other’s pillows and doing something romantic out of the ordinary for each other to show how happy you are to finally be married. “You have announced your love to the world; now announce it again to one another,†he says.
Experts agree that paying a lot of attention to sex misses the point, brings tension and hurries the fun.
Sex
You have to balance your need for sex with the readiness of your partner. Help each other to achieve the utmost consumation. Include extended foreplay to allow for relaxation, confidence, lubrication and greater fun.
Above all, Grace Kigonya, 74, an usher at Namirembe Cathedral and chief senga (aunt) at Nnabageleka’s Ekisaakaate (cultural camp) advises, think more about intimacy than sex.
Joseph Musaalo, a counsellor at Uganda Christian University, Mukono, adds that the fear of first time sex is often exaggerated. “Animals do it without anyone teaching them!†He says. “Sex is natural and the best experience is exploring your partner in love.â€
Nevertheless, Pastor John Ekudu advises couples not to expect too much from the first encounter. “Orgasm may not be possible and if it comes, may not be as explosive and sex may not last as long as you want. But just enjoy it and let her know how much you enjoyed it,†he says.