When love threatens to burn out

Dec 04, 2009

AT some point in a relationship, be it marriage or dating, things will begin to slow down; when you no longer erupt with a geyser-like gush of passion. You begin to feel like the wild fire that burnt inside of you and once threatened to consume your exist

By Raphael Okello

AT some point in a relationship, be it marriage or dating, things will begin to slow down; when you no longer erupt with a geyser-like gush of passion. You begin to feel like the wild fire that burnt inside of you and once threatened to consume your existence is merely a flicker about to fizzle out.

Normally, as a man, you would be exonerated for the state of affairs. You will be considered a victim of a stale relationship, where the woman is accused of not doing enough to keep your adrenaline rush shooting through the roof. And that is because relationship norm has led us to believe it is supposed to be your partner’s responsibility to ensure that your interest in her remains as riveting as it was the first time you set your eyes on her, not the other way round.

But how about if we totally flip this ideology and ask men to work at staying interested in their partners?

“What? How is that possible?” asks Johnson Kalule, one of the several guys with whom I had a chat about this subject. “I think it is my duty to make her stay interested in me as it is hers to make me stay interested in her.”

Fred Rwomushana, who has been married for three years, thinks it is of an emotional novelty to think that you have to work at keeping yourself interested in your wife, but it is practical.

“I had not thought about it like that but now that you have mentioned it, it is not as complicated as many guys would imagine because I have probably done it unwittingly,” he says.

Rwomushana narrates that sometime last year, he felt that familiar “I am losing interest in my wife” syndrome creeping in his relationship. He was spending so much time at work and little time with her.

“So, I joked about us going out to dance. I expected her to ridicule me after which we would have a laugh about it but she ran for the idea,” he says. “I am not quite sure what happened that night but I think she lost herself in the moment of dance and I discovered her in that moment. She was playful and naughty. I liked her moves and the cheeky sweet girl that came out of her. I seemed to fall in love all over again.”

Going out to dance may not work for you because you could be adhering to strict religious code of conduct. However, you need to find something adventurous and fun, something to help your partner explore her innermost beauty, which will endear her to you. She might not “lose herself” but you will be surprised how much sex appeal she exudes.

Tony, who has been dating his girlfriend, Evelyn, for over five years, suggests that men should try to work from within themselves. Just as wearing clean, fashionable and comfortable clothes makes him attractive to her, it has unconsciously helped him stay attracted to her. Even when she is chilling around the house, I try to be fashionably dressed because she has this habit of telling me how nice I look in this or that or how sensual my scent is. So, every now and then, he says he dresses to impress her.

“Sometimes, when I dress to deliberately fish for a compliment, it does not come and I wonder what’s happening. But I guess this whole business of trying to get evaluation from her keeps me drawn to her,” he says

It appears compliments can work both ways, at least according to Nkurunziza. He says complimenting his fiancée’s looks or style always has an effect on her. “She always strives to look her best. I think it is for me to notice and throw a comment because when I sometimes do not say anything about her top or new hairstyle, she complains. I love her sense of style but in essence, I suppose I have contributed to her look and what I feel.”

Alternatively, as George Bogere believes, men should be more direct and simply make their women have the look, which if they found with another woman, would make them drool.

“It’s simple,” he says, “just buy her fashionable outfits that will make her look hot. The clothes you buy should flatter and make her feel nice about living in her skin,” he suggests “We (men) all love a confident woman admired by other men because the public’s opinion about her look is a vote of confidence on your taste and it also makes us realise that we are in love with a special person. It is a thing of male egos, I guess.”

Rwomushana, however, believes in as much as there are things we can all do to remain attracted to our partners, men should stop kidding and stay focused. One minute we are drawn to this woman and another we are trying to hit on the new girl in office! There are quite many attractive women out there and some men, he adds, act like they must make a move on each and everyone of them.

“When we stray, we forget about the potential and beauty in the women in our lives. I think many guys need to grow up and drop this whole ping pong movement from one woman to another. We need to make our relationships work, instead of whining about a burnt out romantic fire,” Rwomushana advises.

Rev. MedaRd Birungi,
Chaplain St Kakumba Chapel (Church Of Uganda)

I take my marriage as a covenant of love. I keep loving her, not exposing her weaknesses to other people. I treat her with grace, for instance I do not shout at her, I am very open and faithful to my wife.

When I am going to visit places or friends, I always go with her and we vowed never to deny each other sex. I honour my word. I always endeavour to fulfil my promises. I also let her manage my finances because she is a better money manager.

Badru Biseege, economist

I always turn a blind eye to her mistakes and negative attributes because it is the surest way of falling out of love with that person. I concentrate on her positive attributes. I also tell her the truth and convince myself that she is the best person I could ever have. By doing this, I do not take her for granted.

Jimmy Mayanja, driver

I buy her beautiful things like clothes and jewellery so that she stays beautiful in my eyes. I also take her for outings in places I find interesting so that I can always associate her to things I love and cherish. I also give her money because when she is happy, I am happy.

Martin Mujesia, engineer
I endeavour to listen to her and try within my means to give her what she wants. It is through listening to her that I understand her, know exactly what she expects of me and what I should do to keep her happy and focused on me. I also get to understand her mood swings and state of mind when I listen to her. If I do not, probably I can find her nagging and always on my case.

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