Science in the Christmas story

Dec 23, 2009

Merry Christmas! Jesus was very lucky he was not Ugandan. Like CHOGM, his birth would have been organised 21 centuries late and everything at the last minute for officials to get reason to flout the procurement procedures.

BY HILARY BAINEMIGISHA
Merry Christmas! Jesus was very lucky he was not Ugandan. Like CHOGM, his birth would have been organised 21 centuries late and everything at the last minute for officials to get reason to flout the procurement procedures.

“We can’t find the gold the magi brought”, they would tell Parliament later, “the tender to keep it was given in such a hurry that we have forgotten who won it!”

But that is not the only worry. His earthly entrance has been overtaken by science. So many miracles which happened that night in Bethlehem can now be explained. They no longer mesmerise modernity the way they used to baffle Kivejinja’s agemates in 1900.

Let us go through them: That night, a virgin gave birth, her husband, Joseph, remained as protective as a real father of the kid would be and the animal stable owner snored on as strangers invaded his animals.

That night, angels — who are usually very shy people and hardly show face on earth — suddenly appeared in a lively sky choir concert of one song called Gloria.

But the concert was seen by a few shepherds, who crammed the song’s every word inspite of its length, their shock and literacy.

Other miracles are the bright star which led the wise men to the stable and the fact that the baby was named Yeshua instead of Emmanuel which Isaiah had wanted.

I don’t have space to go on and on — read The Book.

Today, sadly, science has poured cold water on all this. The Virgin conception is very possible through artificial inseminations or embryo transfer these days.

Human cloning can also potentially allow a woman to have a child without any need for a sperm. Asexual reproduction has been confirmed in a number of organisms.

What scientists limited to bacteria, proved possible in larger animals, like pythons, sharks and dragons. Reproducing without sex is known as parthenogenesis.

Japanese scientists took it further. They manufactured a mouse in a lab by tweaking one set of a mouse’s egg genes to resemble sperm genes in 2004. She was named Kaguya (I said -ya) after a mythological princess in their folklore.

What of Mary’s virginity inspite of her pregnancy? Today’s liberated girls will tell you how they can achieve apparent virginity if they wanted to.

To reduce sexual mileage without interrupting history, a girl sits in OMO water for 10 minutes, three times a day for a week. The rich ones use Coca-Cola.

Both interfere with the vaginal elasticity (which corresponds to the sexual mileage one has had) by tightening muscles into a needles’ eye.

The very next sex becomes difficult and leaves tears and blood to confuse the unsuspecting man that his woman of 10 secret children is still a virgin.

And that is not even amazing. While I was wading through the science of producing other people’s children, I discovered a hot one.

Your wife can actually produce your neighbour’s kid without having sex with him — if you are uncircumcised!

Over to the scene: You cheat Beloved with your neighbour’s wife a few hours after she has had sex with her husband. So, his sperms are still in there. Nature has shaped the male penis to act as a semen displacement device.

During sex, the penis head displaces a previous lover’s semen in the thrust and removes it during withdrawal as a self-propagation strategy in promiscuous species.

But for uncircumcised men, the removed sperms can easily get trapped in the foreskin where they are likely to stay alive for another 48 hours.

You rush home without time to wash properly and may need to prove to her you were not stealing CHOGM funds. You plunge into sex, thereby introducing another man’s sperm into your wife’s system.

The miracle of the heavenly choir and the shepherds that enjoyed the monopoly of seeing it replays several times in the independent churches that have not ceased to crop up every time.

A charismatic orator runs broke. You know how lack of money prompts the mind to be innovative. He discovers that he can actually start his own church.

He pays a colleague, or his pastor’s rival, for tricks on making miracles work and defects with followers to start his own church. He then announces that he saw angels sing at midnight when sudden skylight at that time should have attracted many people. But surprisingly, people still believe him.

The Star of Bethlehem was another miracle. It brought the wise men to see Jesus. I always see bright stars but none has ever led me even to a beautiful woman.

Astronomers have scratched their heads and brought in science. The miracle could have been a nova, a planet, a comet, an occultation and a conjunction (gathering of planets) which occurred around that time. There are questions too, but let us not go there.

As you enjoy the festivities in Christmas, remember be faithful. You don’t want to impregnate your wife with your friend’s sperm.

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