More boys seeking sugar mummies

By Carol Natukunda

BETI Kamya, the MP for Rubaga North, got the shock of her life recently when a 20-year-old boy approached her for a sexual relationship.

“I told him to get lost,” she confided to Saturday Vision.

Strange as this may seem, the trend is growing, with more young men aged 18-24 years seeking relationships with older women who are over 10 years their senior.

While statistics are scanty, a quick look through the Meeting Point column in Saturday Vision shows that weekly, four to six young men write in looking for sugar mummies. Only, they must be rich!

The sugar mummy phenomenon, it appears, is a means of financing the needs which the boys may hitherto not afford.

“She should be a lonely, pretty, financially stable, white woman from America, China, Asia or Japan,” an 18-year-old boy wrote recently.

Just two lines after it, another 20-year-old university male student was straight to the point: “Financially stable and sexually starved sugar mummy aged between 30 and 40 is seriously needed!”

Many boys defend the phenomenon. “If you are always broke, why not?” asks Martin Musoke, a student in his Senior Six vacation. “My agemates have them… It is not fiction, it is real. I know it’s awkward, but if you are getting everything you want from her, it is not a big deal.”

His friend adds: “I think it is the motherly touch that pulls us. You know you are always being cared for.”

But a huge debate rages on. In an era of HIV/AIDS, sugar mummy relationships have been deemed a major threat to boys and young men.

the HIV prevalence among Ugandan women peaks in the 30-54 age group, into which a significant number of “sugar mummies” fall.

According to the 2004/5 Uganda HIV/AIDS sero-behavioural survey, the prevalence of HIV among young boys aged between 15-19 is at 0.3%, yet for the older women (over 30 years), it is as high as 12.1% (See graphic).

This, therefore, puts the young boys at the risk in case the women are infected.

Moreover, boys with sugar mummies usually have girlfriends or try to get because of their new access to financial resources.
In the process, they have to lie about their other affairs, expose their girlfriends to the risk of HIV infection as well as the possibility of violence once the sugar mummy finds out. They complicate their lives with lies, deceit, stress, lack of freedom and anxiety.

With the women being the spenders in the relationship, it becomes difficult for the boys to negotiate for “no sex” relationships or demanding the use of condoms.
Already, the Uganda Demographic and Health survey shows that 28% of men aged 15-24 had had sex one year before the study, compared to 24% women in the same age group.

Sexual transmission accounts for 76% of new HIV infections, according to the Uganda AIDS Commission.

Sylvia Nagginda, the Nnabagereka of Buganda and the patron of the Go-getters club, an association spearheading the anti- cross-generational sex campaign among the youth says: “Cross-generational sex will cost you a future. For the girls, it makes you prone to unwanted pregnancies and HIV/AIDS, while the boys may contract HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.”

Education enthusiasts are also worried about the learning process of the child. “The child will be hanging out in Wandegeya, while the rest are learning. At the end of the day he or she will have retakes,” says David Kasasa, the Dean of students at Nkumba University.

But who is to blame for the phenomenon? Are the boys innocent victims? Why is it happening?

Miria Matembe, a former ethics minister, worries that the issue is rooted in different sectors.

“What haven’t we seen in this country, or in leadership?

Corruption, greed and materialism; and do you blame the young people? They are following suit! The fight must be broader for the culture of materialism to be broken down, not only at Makerere University but the whole nation!”
So what if the decision our sons have taken is to risk it all and enjoy life; even if it might be short-lived?

What if - to rephrase what Matembe says, this is a reflection of what we all have become - greedy? Because contrary to common perceptions, these boys may not be necessarily poor.

“They want to live above their standard; they want cellular phones, clothes and pocket money,” says Kasasa.
The boys agree that saying ‘no’ to an older women bringing them gifts is difficult.

“Of course those old chics always have the bucks; otherwise there would be no point. Last week, my friend got a TV set and a decoder for his birthday,” says Deus Okot, a student at Kyambogo University.

Okot is even more amazed at how it happened. “My friend used to discuss (class work) for some mature woman in our evening class. Then she would buy him tea and bread. And before we knew it, the two were an item. I don’t think it’s a big deal, really,” Okot says, laughing.

“It’s a planned thing. You go out with her knowing that you will get some money to help you through the semester. A girl of my age cannot have such money, and she wouldn’t give it to me anyway, but the sugar mummy is already working,’” says Justin, who has twice sought one in Meeting Point column.

Older women reveal that the reason they go for the younger boys is that they are virgins and therefore less likely to be infected.
“You know you are safe from HIV, with a virgin, unless of course if he was born with the virus, which is not likely in most cases,” says a 40-year-old woman who prefers anonymity.

The majority could be married women who are seeking to satisfy their sexual desires.

Others may be widows who are living with HIV, which they contracted from their deceased husbands. Such women are many times out to spread it to the innocent young men.

In the past, it was unthinkable for a boy to have a relationship with a woman old enough to be his mother.

But psychologists explain that in most cases, most of those boys may have missed out on parental love. “As they grow older, they are seeking to be loved, to be given all the compassion they missed during their childhood and a sugar mummy comes in handy. they feel content and happy,” says Mayanja Kajumba, a psychologist at Makerere University.

He, however, also says it could be due to peer influence, especially if his agemates are doing it.
“They might start jokingly, thinking they are doing it for fun or teasing the woman and then because of the woman’s affection, they end up in a relationship and the boy finds it hard to pull out,” Kajumba says.

Way forward
Denis Jjuuko, who runs Prime Time, a local public relations firm, calls for the need to address economic hardship or poverty, which is the cause of cross generational sex.
“The first step is to encourage students to get involved in income-generating activities,” he says.

Simon Peter Onaba, of the Makerere University Primetime weekly Christian show, says institutions need to set up student loan mechanisms, so that they can pay back later after getting gainful employment.

“If fees or pocket money were provided by the government or institutions, students would not be tempted to go in for sugar mummies and daddies,” he says.
Nagginda calls for preservation of good cultural values.

“In the Ganda culture, abstinence and virginity were highly respected. However, they are being discarded because of the western influence. We need to embrace abstinence as a way of life,” she says.

“Even if you had sex already, it is not too late to abstain. Your worth is much more than those petty gifts. How do you want to be seen in future? Would you want to be seen begging or would you rather be independent?”

UNTIL her A’ Levels, Patra Agira had never known a world so cruel. Her parents died just as she was sitting for final exams, crashing her hopes of ever joining university on private sponsorship.

After a year out of school, Agira met a man who promised to pay her fees. Today, they are in a relationship.

“He also gives me pocket money and caters for other needs. I have a phone like the rest and designer clothes. I am so happy,” the 23-year-old student at Makerere University says.

Suzan Nalumansi, a second year Bachelor of Education student, tells of a friend who is in a relationship with a man of 50. “The guy has two wives, but she doesn’t care as long he can give her fees.”

However, the Population Services International (PSI) is holding massive campaigns that warn young women to “beware of sugar daddies.”

Walk past any street and there are billboards screaming out that “Cross Generational Sex must stop with you!”

PSI argues that the HIV prevalence rate among girls aged 15 to 24 is four times higher than in boys of the same age, the reason the alarm has been sounded more on girls.
According to the 2004/05 Uganda HIV/AIDS sero-behavioural survey, 10% of urban women and 9% of rural girls aged 15-19 were found likely to have had high-risk sex with a partner more than 10 years older.

Fourteen percent of the young women who did not complete primary education were more likely to have had high-risk sex with a partner more than 10 years older than them, compared to 6% of those who had completed primary education and secondary education.

“These statistics demonstrate the big problem. In another study, 20% had been in these relationships, while 50% believed it was normal,” the PSI country director, Rodio Diallo, said recently during the launch of the campaign at Makerere University.

Matembe blames the trend on the traditional and cultural practices, which portray girls as sex objects.
“These early marriages in Ankole, Busoga and Islam; what do you call that?” Matembe wonders. “You are 50 and you are looking at a girl aged 16!”

Yet some critics argue that PSI’s campaign is attacking ‘normal’ relationships, since a 10-year gap between couples is not unusual.
“In some of the billboards, the man they use looks like he’s in his 30s and the girl looks like she’s at university, about 23 years - this is the typical relationship,” says Denis Jjuuko of Prime Time.
Jjuuko pointed out that Ugandan men traditionally provided for their wives or partners and the economic dynamic of the sugar daddy relationship is very much within societal norms.
Others argue that it is a status symbol among their colleagues to have one or more young girlfriends. “You feel you have the power,” one man says. “Men are not like women. We never age physically.”

However, Nagginda says the girls will be in a vulnerable situation. It will not only result into HIV/AIDS but also unwanted pregnancies.
PSI has attracted corporate sponsors who offer

Coping tips
Winnie Wesonga, a counsellor with Family Life Network, gives the following advice:
-Be content with the resources you have. This will help you to be determined and focused on your studies
-Seek guidance from your elder siblings or close friends so you are aware of the dangers
-Choose your friends carefully. People, who push you for sugar mummies or daddies, are certainly not good friends at all.
- If the man or woman approaches you, make it clear to them that you are not interested in the relationship and you still have a future to strive for.
- Join debating clubs, sports among others, to keep you engaged in constructive work.

What parents should do
- Sit down with your child and tell them the dangers of moving out with older men or women
- Share your experiences of how you managed to make ends meet in school and how you managed to excel against all odds.
- Try as much as you can to be there for your child. Shouting at them, or barking at them will make them look for solace else where.
- Give the child the basic needs and pocket money. Let them see that you are striving for them, even though the money you give may not really be enough