Are you disciplining or abusing your child?
Feb 11, 2008
ON January 15, Hajati Nansamba of Wakimese zone in Kyengera, Wakiso district, beat her son Maddie Nganda, to death. Nganda, who was a Senior Two student of Cambridge College, Kyengera, had allegedly refused to fetch water the previous day and spent the night away from home.
By Elvina Nawaguna
ON January 15, Hajati Nansamba of Wakimese zone in Kyengera, Wakiso district, beat her son Maddie Nganda, to death. Nganda, who was a Senior Two student of Cambridge College, Kyengera, had allegedly refused to fetch water the previous day and spent the night away from home.
When he returned the following day, Nansamba started beating him until he collapsed and died. His siblings raised an alarm that attracted residents who wanted to lynch Nansamba, but she was rescued by the Police.
The statement “My mother hates me,†is common among children of abusive mothers.
Such mothers not only abuse the children physically, but may use guilt, manipulation, fear and rejection to get at the child psychologically. She will burst into tears to make the child feel guilty so she can control and get what she wants. Such a mother never does anything unless it benefits her. She is hateful, vindictive, cruel, extremely violent and blames everyone for her actions.
By the nature of the power they have over their children, mothers have the ability to destroy them.
“Children take what a mother says seriously. The power of the tongue is very strong,†says Theodore Niringiye, a counsellor with Relate Counselling Service.
In a society, many people will excuse an abusive father, but it is different when the abuse is done by the mother.
Dr. Linda Marcel, a counsellor and psychologist in Kampala, says many people expect nurturing from the mother.
“It is our mothers in most cases who make us understand who we are. When we get abuse rather than love from them, it may cause an individual to be filled with anger, resentment and loss of identity,†she explains.
According to Niringiye, the way people are parented affects their behaviour as adults and determines what kind of parents they become. If one grew up in an environment of coercion and harshness, such behaviour becomes the norm and one is likely to treat one’s children the same way.
Dr. Marcel says about 90% of people who are abusive have been abused before.
Some mothers are perfectionists. They want their children to be like them and do everything the way they want. For such mothers, it does not matter how harsh they are to their children, as long as they get them to do what they want.
Dr. Marcel says many times mothers become abusive to their children when they are under pressure.
“Because they are stressed, they become abusive to the people closest to them. Children become the next target,†Dr Marcel says.
Husband and wife tensions can also cause mothers to be mean to their children.
Niringiye says at such times, the mother may feel the children are a burden, tying her down to the man.
According to Niringiye, hormonal imbalances can trigger abusive behaviour in mothers.
“It brings with it so many effects and women respond negatively and become jittery,†she explains. It is worse on children conceived at this time, as they seem like a burden, especially if the husband has not been supportive.
“It is a hormonal imbalance you cannot explain,†Niringiye adds.
Children born out of rape and forced marriage are likely to suffer abuse from their mothers. According to Niringiye, it is hard to love a child of a man that one did not want to marry and such a child may always be a reminder of one’s bad experience.
Many women may become abusive because of their addictions to drugs and alcohol.
Some mothers, Niringiye says, become abusive to their children when administering discipline, as in Nganda’s mother, who beat him to death.
“You need to develop a conscience and know when to stop,†she advises.
Abuse normally escalates. “It may start by just being verbal, before becoming physical,†Marcel explains. Then she starts hitting and throwing things. Then the “honeymoon†stage follows, in which she is sorry for hurting her child. Dr. Marcel explains that the woman may apologise and do things to make up for her deeds, but soon the abuse starts again and becomes a cycle.
Continuous abuse from a mother builds up fear in the child and the child fails to interact with the mother for fear of triggering an explosion.
“The children feel like they are walking on eggshells at home,†Dr. Marcel says.
By the time such children become teenagers, they are insecure, have a low self-esteem and have formed up a defence mechanism. They do not let people get close to them.
Marcel says such children may be very angry, aggressive and talk back to or be afraid of people in authority.
Some completely isolate themselves from people. Others may suffer nightmares, bed wetting, regress in behaviour or even act out the abuse during play.
An abusive mother needs to realise that she is hurting others with her behaviour and should seek professional help from a counsellor. Unfortunately, such women often do not even know it and deny or justify their behaviour when confronted.
“She has to realise she is abusive and acknowledge her behaviour. That is the beginning of the healing process,†Dr. Marcel says.
“She has been a victim before and there is deep-seated hurt over a period of years that has to be dealt with,†Dr. Marcel explains.
She recommends that the counsellor take the mother through anger management and personal development classes and involve an influential religious figure. If it is alcohol or drugs, she needs to be helped to overcome it.
Sadly, according to Dr. Marcel, abusive mothers usually hit rock bottom or something bad happens before they get a rude awakening and realise they need help. Someone needs to bring it to her attention before a crisis happens.
“If your children talk to you about it, do not become defensive. Listen and see how you can work on it,†Niringiye recommends.
Friends or relatives of an abusive mother should bring the issue to the her attention so that she gets help. The children also need to see a counsellor to help them deal with the effects and learn to deal with their mother, rather than rejecting, hating or running away from her.
How parents can manage anger
Getting angry is normal and expression of anger is healthy. However, how you express anger can either be productive or destructive.
The following are tips on how to manage anger, especially when your child pushes you to the edge:
-Understand that you are dealing with a child and not an adult. Children do not have their own standards of behaviour and it is your duty to guide them.
-Unless there is evidence to show otherwise, many times children do whatever they do simply because they are children.
-Identify the particular misbehaviour and deal with it. There is a difference between your child and the misbehaviour. Beating the child may soothe your anger, but it does not necessarily change the child’s behaviour. The child is not bad; it is the misbehaviour. You can hate the misbehaviour, but love the child.
-Always assess the situation objectively and find out if the child is trying to challenge your authority.
-Never punish your child in anger. When you are angry, the punishment ceases to be corrective and becomes ‘revenge’.
-Sometimes extreme anger comes from stress which parents let out on their children. If there is stress building from your marriage or economic challenges, talk it out with a trusted friend or trained counsellor.
-Encourage dialogue in the family and create a home environment where children feel safe to express their emotions.
-Forgiveness is an effective way of dealing with anger. Deal with family conflicts squarely and do not hold grudges.
-If you find yourself going physical whenever you are angry, you could be having a deeper problem that needs counselling. Parents who are victims of abuse become abusers and if this is the case with you, then a face-to-face session with a professional counsellor would help you deal with it.
Compiled by Wagwau Jamesa
ON January 15, Hajati Nansamba of Wakimese zone in Kyengera, Wakiso district, beat her son Maddie Nganda, to death. Nganda, who was a Senior Two student of Cambridge College, Kyengera, had allegedly refused to fetch water the previous day and spent the night away from home.
When he returned the following day, Nansamba started beating him until he collapsed and died. His siblings raised an alarm that attracted residents who wanted to lynch Nansamba, but she was rescued by the Police.
The statement “My mother hates me,†is common among children of abusive mothers.
Such mothers not only abuse the children physically, but may use guilt, manipulation, fear and rejection to get at the child psychologically. She will burst into tears to make the child feel guilty so she can control and get what she wants. Such a mother never does anything unless it benefits her. She is hateful, vindictive, cruel, extremely violent and blames everyone for her actions.
By the nature of the power they have over their children, mothers have the ability to destroy them.
“Children take what a mother says seriously. The power of the tongue is very strong,†says Theodore Niringiye, a counsellor with Relate Counselling Service.
In a society, many people will excuse an abusive father, but it is different when the abuse is done by the mother.
Dr. Linda Marcel, a counsellor and psychologist in Kampala, says many people expect nurturing from the mother.
“It is our mothers in most cases who make us understand who we are. When we get abuse rather than love from them, it may cause an individual to be filled with anger, resentment and loss of identity,†she explains.
According to Niringiye, the way people are parented affects their behaviour as adults and determines what kind of parents they become. If one grew up in an environment of coercion and harshness, such behaviour becomes the norm and one is likely to treat one’s children the same way.
Dr. Marcel says about 90% of people who are abusive have been abused before.
Some mothers are perfectionists. They want their children to be like them and do everything the way they want. For such mothers, it does not matter how harsh they are to their children, as long as they get them to do what they want.
Dr. Marcel says many times mothers become abusive to their children when they are under pressure.
“Because they are stressed, they become abusive to the people closest to them. Children become the next target,†Dr Marcel says.
Husband and wife tensions can also cause mothers to be mean to their children.
Niringiye says at such times, the mother may feel the children are a burden, tying her down to the man.
According to Niringiye, hormonal imbalances can trigger abusive behaviour in mothers.
“It brings with it so many effects and women respond negatively and become jittery,†she explains. It is worse on children conceived at this time, as they seem like a burden, especially if the husband has not been supportive.
“It is a hormonal imbalance you cannot explain,†Niringiye adds.
Children born out of rape and forced marriage are likely to suffer abuse from their mothers. According to Niringiye, it is hard to love a child of a man that one did not want to marry and such a child may always be a reminder of one’s bad experience.
Many women may become abusive because of their addictions to drugs and alcohol.
Some mothers, Niringiye says, become abusive to their children when administering discipline, as in Nganda’s mother, who beat him to death.
“You need to develop a conscience and know when to stop,†she advises.
Abuse normally escalates. “It may start by just being verbal, before becoming physical,†Marcel explains. Then she starts hitting and throwing things. Then the “honeymoon†stage follows, in which she is sorry for hurting her child. Dr. Marcel explains that the woman may apologise and do things to make up for her deeds, but soon the abuse starts again and becomes a cycle.
Continuous abuse from a mother builds up fear in the child and the child fails to interact with the mother for fear of triggering an explosion.
“The children feel like they are walking on eggshells at home,†Dr. Marcel says.
By the time such children become teenagers, they are insecure, have a low self-esteem and have formed up a defence mechanism. They do not let people get close to them.
Marcel says such children may be very angry, aggressive and talk back to or be afraid of people in authority.
Some completely isolate themselves from people. Others may suffer nightmares, bed wetting, regress in behaviour or even act out the abuse during play.
An abusive mother needs to realise that she is hurting others with her behaviour and should seek professional help from a counsellor. Unfortunately, such women often do not even know it and deny or justify their behaviour when confronted.
“She has to realise she is abusive and acknowledge her behaviour. That is the beginning of the healing process,†Dr. Marcel says.
“She has been a victim before and there is deep-seated hurt over a period of years that has to be dealt with,†Dr. Marcel explains.
She recommends that the counsellor take the mother through anger management and personal development classes and involve an influential religious figure. If it is alcohol or drugs, she needs to be helped to overcome it.
Sadly, according to Dr. Marcel, abusive mothers usually hit rock bottom or something bad happens before they get a rude awakening and realise they need help. Someone needs to bring it to her attention before a crisis happens.
“If your children talk to you about it, do not become defensive. Listen and see how you can work on it,†Niringiye recommends.
Friends or relatives of an abusive mother should bring the issue to the her attention so that she gets help. The children also need to see a counsellor to help them deal with the effects and learn to deal with their mother, rather than rejecting, hating or running away from her.
How parents can manage anger
Getting angry is normal and expression of anger is healthy. However, how you express anger can either be productive or destructive.
The following are tips on how to manage anger, especially when your child pushes you to the edge:
-Understand that you are dealing with a child and not an adult. Children do not have their own standards of behaviour and it is your duty to guide them.
-Unless there is evidence to show otherwise, many times children do whatever they do simply because they are children.
-Identify the particular misbehaviour and deal with it. There is a difference between your child and the misbehaviour. Beating the child may soothe your anger, but it does not necessarily change the child’s behaviour. The child is not bad; it is the misbehaviour. You can hate the misbehaviour, but love the child.
-Always assess the situation objectively and find out if the child is trying to challenge your authority.
-Never punish your child in anger. When you are angry, the punishment ceases to be corrective and becomes ‘revenge’.
-Sometimes extreme anger comes from stress which parents let out on their children. If there is stress building from your marriage or economic challenges, talk it out with a trusted friend or trained counsellor.
-Encourage dialogue in the family and create a home environment where children feel safe to express their emotions.
-Forgiveness is an effective way of dealing with anger. Deal with family conflicts squarely and do not hold grudges.
-If you find yourself going physical whenever you are angry, you could be having a deeper problem that needs counselling. Parents who are victims of abuse become abusers and if this is the case with you, then a face-to-face session with a professional counsellor would help you deal with it.
Compiled by Wagwau Jamesa