Can a marriage survive without sex?
A sexless marriage can be one where there is no sex at all or where one partner is not impressed by the quality and frequency of sex. It affects both men and women, though women are more sensitive and willing to go to counsellors for assistance.
By Hilary Bainemigisha
A sexless marriage can be one where there is no sex at all or where one partner is not impressed by the quality and frequency of sex. It affects both men and women, though women are more sensitive and willing to go to counsellors for assistance.
Many times, as couples grow together, their sex life reaches a peak and begins to decline. The New Vision national survey on marriage last year, revealed this clearly.
There was most sex soon after the marriage, which declined with time. Slightly less than half surveyed could describe their sex as very enjoyable. Others missed the sex they used to have early in the marriages. 6% said they had stopped having sex! 9% said they had sex once to twice a month and about 7% said sex was even less often.
A 2003 Newsweek magazine study revealed that 15 - 20% of couples in the US were in sexless marriages – sexlessness was defined as having sex less than 10 times a year. A related survey in England by The Sunday Times magazine put the figure at 16%.
Although frequency of sex declines as people get older, many young couples are reporting insufficient sex. For whatever reason, couples stop connecting intimately. Marriage suffers because the death of sex usually leads to ignoring each other’s physical and emotional needs. Sometimes it leads to other complications like violence, infidelity and loss of mutual respect which are, in themselves, marriage killers
However, death of sex actually doesn’t have to kill the marriage. In The New Vision survey, sex did not come up as first priority for married people. Faithfulness was the most important, followed, for men, by respect.
It depends on many factors which include the character of the couples, their determination to make it work, stage of relationship, quality of spouse, other advantages from the marriage and expectations of society. You may abandon a wonderful person with a weak libido only to end up with a sex maniac with poor manners.
Role of sex in marriage
Sex is an integral part of a marriage. A marriage that has not been consummated can be annulled by law. All cultures acknowledge that sex is crucial in bonding, forgiveness, adjustment, problem solving and, obviously, expanding the family.
Many times, good sex is a cushion to marital problems that could rock the marriage. It is an avenue of reconciliation and its memories can avert divorce.
Sex is so central to marriage that many people believe that without it, the marriage crumbles automatically. But many studies have proved that actually, marriage doesn’t need sex to survive!
Should you leave?
If you are in a sexless marriage, this is a question you may meet several times in your life. Nobody should answer this question for you. But, before you take any step, you need to consider your decision thoroughly so that you take responsibility of your actions later.
According to Karl Augustine’s book, A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce, the first step should be in looking for a solution within the marriage. You need to define exactly what went wrong. When that is answered, you may well be on your way to a solution because remedies depend on the basic causes. Just know that if you really want to rekindle your relationship, you can.
Don’t restrict yourself to one factor. If your partner cheated on you once, you may use that to explain the current problem and dismiss his views about your attractiveness. You need to discuss, or accept his/her reasons and suggested solutions. Be open to all possible explanations; that way you can unearth a solution.
Remember, rekindling sexual desire is not a snap solution. You also need to work hard on it. It always requires openness in order to remove feelings of nervousness, which usually shoot down spontaneous arousal. Visit experts like doctors to rule out physical problems and counsellors to help you rekindle the fire. Decide you want to make it work. Determination is one basic drive that leads to success. Even for couples who consider themselves sexually incompatible, determination boosts the ability to adapt to differences in each other’s sexual preferences.
If, for whatever reason, the problem is not reversible, decide your next step depending on whether you can manage a sexless marriage. For if you have to stay, don’t be an additional stress to your partner. If you have to leave, use shock absorbers to minimise any feelings of betrayal. But don’t stay and behave like you left.
A sexless marriage can be one where there is no sex at all or where one partner is not impressed by the quality and frequency of sex. It affects both men and women, though women are more sensitive and willing to go to counsellors for assistance.
Many times, as couples grow together, their sex life reaches a peak and begins to decline. The New Vision national survey on marriage last year, revealed this clearly.
There was most sex soon after the marriage, which declined with time. Slightly less than half surveyed could describe their sex as very enjoyable. Others missed the sex they used to have early in the marriages. 6% said they had stopped having sex! 9% said they had sex once to twice a month and about 7% said sex was even less often.
A 2003 Newsweek magazine study revealed that 15 - 20% of couples in the US were in sexless marriages – sexlessness was defined as having sex less than 10 times a year. A related survey in England by The Sunday Times magazine put the figure at 16%.
Although frequency of sex declines as people get older, many young couples are reporting insufficient sex. For whatever reason, couples stop connecting intimately. Marriage suffers because the death of sex usually leads to ignoring each other’s physical and emotional needs. Sometimes it leads to other complications like violence, infidelity and loss of mutual respect which are, in themselves, marriage killers
However, death of sex actually doesn’t have to kill the marriage. In The New Vision survey, sex did not come up as first priority for married people. Faithfulness was the most important, followed, for men, by respect.
It depends on many factors which include the character of the couples, their determination to make it work, stage of relationship, quality of spouse, other advantages from the marriage and expectations of society. You may abandon a wonderful person with a weak libido only to end up with a sex maniac with poor manners.
Role of sex in marriage
Sex is an integral part of a marriage. A marriage that has not been consummated can be annulled by law. All cultures acknowledge that sex is crucial in bonding, forgiveness, adjustment, problem solving and, obviously, expanding the family.
Many times, good sex is a cushion to marital problems that could rock the marriage. It is an avenue of reconciliation and its memories can avert divorce.
Sex is so central to marriage that many people believe that without it, the marriage crumbles automatically. But many studies have proved that actually, marriage doesn’t need sex to survive!
Should you leave?
If you are in a sexless marriage, this is a question you may meet several times in your life. Nobody should answer this question for you. But, before you take any step, you need to consider your decision thoroughly so that you take responsibility of your actions later.
According to Karl Augustine’s book, A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce, the first step should be in looking for a solution within the marriage. You need to define exactly what went wrong. When that is answered, you may well be on your way to a solution because remedies depend on the basic causes. Just know that if you really want to rekindle your relationship, you can.
Don’t restrict yourself to one factor. If your partner cheated on you once, you may use that to explain the current problem and dismiss his views about your attractiveness. You need to discuss, or accept his/her reasons and suggested solutions. Be open to all possible explanations; that way you can unearth a solution.
Remember, rekindling sexual desire is not a snap solution. You also need to work hard on it. It always requires openness in order to remove feelings of nervousness, which usually shoot down spontaneous arousal. Visit experts like doctors to rule out physical problems and counsellors to help you rekindle the fire. Decide you want to make it work. Determination is one basic drive that leads to success. Even for couples who consider themselves sexually incompatible, determination boosts the ability to adapt to differences in each other’s sexual preferences.
If, for whatever reason, the problem is not reversible, decide your next step depending on whether you can manage a sexless marriage. For if you have to stay, don’t be an additional stress to your partner. If you have to leave, use shock absorbers to minimise any feelings of betrayal. But don’t stay and behave like you left.