Kampala v New York: Which city has better men?

Aug 01, 2008

I have been living in Uganda on and off for the past year as both a student and a freelance journalist. I am not going to be writing about asthma, heart disease or inflation, but about a topic much more different: How do Kampala men compare to New York men?

By Rebecca Harshbarger

I have been living in Uganda on and off for the past year as both a student and a freelance journalist. I am not going to be writing about asthma, heart disease or inflation, but about a topic much more different: How do Kampala men compare to New York men?

At first, I was skeptical. I cannot help but share my thoughts. However, I will ask my Ugandan friends in New York (my home state) a similar question: How do American women compare?

American men do nOt iron

Okay, that’s a half-truth. My father, old-school, is a great ironer. Growing up, he would always lay out his clothes and iron them with precision before heading to school, where he worked as a university lecturer. Ugandan men, on the other hand, are obsessive ironers. Even when there is loadshedding, which I think is a great excuse not to iron, they trek all over town looking for a place to plug in their flat iron.

One of my friends, Ssebuliba, can spend an hour ironing his black Che Guevara shirt and a pair of trousers. Some American men do iron, like my dad. But as mentioned earlier, my father is old-school. I cannot think of any male friend in his early twenties, who picks up an iron. It’s not that their girlfriends iron for them, or that they hire someone. They just do not do it.
Although most use washing machines and dryers and their clothes can resist wrinkles if hung up immediately in their closets. However, with many American men, their clothes end up somewhere else. On the floor, next to an unopened box with an iron inside, probably a gift from their mom.

According to Amanda Edgell, a 22-year-old American woman who studied in Kampala last year, Ugandan men dress nicer, especially at the university stage. It isn’t until later in life that most American men discover their own style.”

American movies
I never really disliked American movies until I went abroad. Now, they are the bane of my existence, infiltrating my interactions with Ugandan men. “In the movies,” one co-worker at The New Vision said, “The white woman is direct. They tell the man what they want, and how they want it. So when I am with a white woman, I am waiting for her to come to me. But they do not.” All of this is news to me. Direct? Really? It’s true, some of my friends are direct, even aggressive, but for each direct white friend I have, I can think of two or three passive ones.

Sometimes in Uganda, it’s a relief to find a Ugandan man who doesn’t have these conceptions of you. “Haven’t you noticed that in pornography, the woman is always white?” another Ugandan asked me. “That is why we think you are loose and will never refuse sex.” This puzzles me too. Pornography is like alcohol and cigarettes. You can find a pornography industry in every country, whether it’s Sweden, India, or Nigeria. So to the latter man’s charge, all I can respond with is: “Are you serious?”

All men are the same

Many different Ugandan women have asked me the weirdest questions about American men.

“Is it true that they do not cheat?” All the American songs on Vision Voice, Sanyu FM, and Capital FM are about women betraying men and the other way round. Infidelity fuels the careers of American songwriters. “Why are American men so adventurous?”

This one makes me laugh. Most Americans who come to Uganda would probably describe themselves as adventurous. Travelling or working in a foreign country, whether it’s Uganda, France or China, takes a certain love of new experience and risk.
“How are American men in bed?” The woman then leans in, expecting a scandalous tale of adventure, wealth and who knows what else. But all men are the same, regardless of their religion, skin tone or nationality. “Dating in Uganda was similar to dating in the United States,” said Edgell, who dated a student from Makerere University.

You can go to the United States and find women as disgruntled or as in love as their Ugandan counterparts. There are American men who beat their wives and Ugandan men who would never slap a woman, even if she slapped him first.

There are American men who are polygamous (in Utah and Texas) and Ugandan men that are strictly monogamous, even though polygamy permissible in Uganda and illegal in the United States. If there is a country where men are consistently generous, faithful, and straight, tell me. I’ll board the next plane immediately.

Ugandan men are more hard working

I am always shocked at how hard Ugandan men work. Whether dragging a bicycle loaded with bunches of bananas, calling out the same taxi line route until their throats are raw (Nakawa Ntinda Lugogo, lukumi sister), making bricks in the hot sun or nearly getting pummeled by Pajeros and matatus while hawking air time and newspapers for hours, Ugandan men work really hard.

They also know how to make every shilling stretch, living off tiny salaries and unreliable business deals or kyeyo, but making it, moving forward.

Ugandan men are religious

It varies from state to state and community to community, but most of the guys I have dated or friends rarely visit a church, temple, or mosque. (I can already hear my American friends chastising me for my generalisations).

Chris, Alex, David is very religious! but the religious commitment of American men generally pales to their African counterparts, regardless of where you are on the continent. You are much more likely to find a Ugandan man in church on Sunday or the mosque on Friday.

Many Americans go to church once every five, seven years. A wedding, a funeral or anything compelling. It doesn’t mean that they are not spiritual. There are Americans who are philosophical, who are reflectful, who derive spiritual nourishment from trees, sunlight and water. There are Americans who attend church wholeheartedly. But as a whole, when it comes to God, Ugandan men are much more tighter with Him. No American would ever boast that their car is covered by the blood of Jesus Christ.

American men are more punctual

It’s not that Ugandan men are necessarily late, they are just on Ugandan time. This might be 20 minutes to an hour past when you are supposed to meet. If a Ugandan says he is coming to your place at seven, it could be eight or nine.

The time he gives you is an estimate, not a commitment. It’s okay though, the longer I stay in Uganda, the more unable I am to keep time. One time I was late meeting a male friend, one who is always late. The best thing to do when going to meet him is to bring a novel or newspaper. It will be a while.

However, last time, it was I who was late. “Where were you?” he asked. “Sorry, there was jam,” I said. “But don’t be so mad, you’re always late,” I mused. He shrugged: “You are a mzungu,” he said. “You guys are supposed to keep time.When you are late, it worries.”

American men understand when we’re broke

If my bank account hits zero or worse, in the negatives, an American man will understand. He might be broke too, which means you will stay home, eat instant noodles and talk all night.

However, a Ugandan can never contemplate that you are broke. After all, you are from America, where money pours from the rafters in your ceiling and the gold in the streets blinds your eyes. I have heard that when a Ugandan couple goes out, the man always pays.

But for some Ugandan men, their motto is: The mzungu pays. I have gone out and men have paid for me though. However, before going out, I would still advise an American girl to check out who is paying the bill.

American men have hair

This issue really confuses me. Looking around the newsroom, all I see are shiny, shaved scalps. When I first arrived in Uganda, I always wondered why Ugandan men shaved their heads every three to four days. After all, Ugandan women have ornate hair that is always eerily immaculate; not a hair out of place.

“They think it makes them look smart,” my editor told me. But I miss seeing men who have hair. In the United States, men wear their hair in all different styles, from curly to fine. Some have cornrows and dreadlocks, others have short, straight hair. I guess a smooth head is convenient, but it confuses me.

RELATIONSHIPS

“I have been in a couple of intercultural relationships. Once with a South African and once with a Ugandan. Both were very different and had their share of road bumps and rewards. I would say that overall, relationships with people from other cultures make us understand other cultures and our own a little better. Rewards can be as simple as trying a new type of food or learning how to say “how are you” in another language.

Or they can be longer lasting, like learning that we are human and while our cultures are different, there is no reason for fighting. The world would be a much calmer and peaceful place if we all learned from one another,” says Amanda Edgell, 22, from North Carolina, United States, who studied in Uganda through the School of International Training’s Development Studies Programme.

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