Teach your children social manners

Aug 26, 2008

I HAD an embarrassing encounter at a friend’s place recently. As we chatted in the sitting room, her seven- year-old daughter, Alinda, was playing nearby. “Jamesa, I was not able to send you a message yesterday as I had promised because the network was quite unstable,” Alinda’s mother said a

Jamesa Wagwau

I HAD an embarrassing encounter at a friend’s place recently. As we chatted in the sitting room, her seven- year-old daughter, Alinda, was playing nearby. “Jamesa, I was not able to send you a message yesterday as I had promised because the network was quite unstable,” Alinda’s mother said as she arranged the table for tea.

“But mummy, how come you managed to call Aunt Juliet in the evening yesterday?” Alinda interjected. Her mother stared at her with shocked embarrassment. Then with a feigned smile masking her deep anger, she asked Alinda to leave the room.

Alinda is a typical case of a child, badly in need of social etiquette. Have you taught your child social courtesy? Most children intrude into adults’ conversation, perhaps without knowing that it is rude.

Harvey Karp in The Happiest Toddler on the Block mentions that it is the parents’ job to make children civilised. Babies start to learn manners from the first day of their lives. Since the learning process is long and gradual, they typically start to exhibit courtesy by the age of five.

Did you know that your child listens to everything you say? Karp explains that children become extremely observant and start to understand the context of what you say from as early as one year of age. They may not talk back, but they understand.

How often do you use the golden words like, ‘sorry’, ‘excuse me’ ‘please’ or ‘may I?’ You must have come across people who cannot maintain eye contact even for five seconds during conversation, others who cannot stop chewing in public and those who don’t know how to listen. These attributes show lack of basic communication skills that are best acquired in childhood. Maybe your child stays in a boarding school and you have very limited time together. You could use this holiday to instill these skills.

Janusz Korczak in Loving Every Child compares a child to a foreigner who neither speaks our language nor understands our laws and customs. There are embarrassing, amusing and sometimes annoying moments with them. But please don’t lose your head; these moments are a part of learning and you need to treat their ignorance with respect.

Daniel Goleman in Emotional Intelligence says childhood presents a window of opportunity to instil emotional skills. Do not be tempted to lecture the child over these skills. Social skills are best learnt in a social context and not in a vacuum.

Keep the child on his toes and let him know that you care about his behaviour and language. Ask questions like ‘How else would you have expressed your anger without shouting at or hitting your sister?’

Do not expect your child to communicate courteously if you communicate rudely.

Reinforce the desired behaviour by giving compliments immediately. Do mix the child and behaviour in your compliments. Say ‘I like the way you have excused yourself and requested to be allowed to join your brothers’ in their play. Do not say ‘I like you because you have learnt how to excuse yourself’.

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