I did all I could to save my marriage - Salaamu
Sep 19, 2008
How and when did you meet Mr. Musumba and what was the attraction? <br>I met him in 1984 at Makerere University. He was the speaker of the guild and every girl at campus wanted to be with him. He looked a very promising law student so when he expressed interest in me I accepted because I desired to
How and when did you meet Mr. Musumba and what was the attraction?
I met him in 1984 at Makerere University. He was the speaker of the guild and every girl at campus wanted to be with him. He looked a very promising law student so when he expressed interest in me I accepted because I desired to know the guy who made all girls pick interest in him.
Why did you marry him?
By the time we left university we only had each other to depend on because we were both from poor families, had the same fears of the world and also had no social network in Kampala and yet we both needed mutual support and comfort. And at that time, AIDS was ‘harvesting’ many young people. So we married in 1989 because marriage to us meant security, companionship, friendship, comradeship and mutual support.
You now live in separate homes. why?
As a wife I just could not put up with him doing things behind my back, holding information, not being able to account for what he had been doing, where he was, etc. I had had enough of that. And as a woman, when you are unaware of certain things going on in your marriage, you can make a decision to stay with your husband. but when you know that he is being unfaithful or that something is not right, and when you talk and even fight about it and still there is no change, what do you do?
You mean he cheated on you?
He was unfaithful very many times. And you know it is okay if it is not in your face. But when it is, it becomes honourable for you to move on and that is exactly what I did. I live in Nakasero and he lives in Buziga.
Why didn’t you divorce him?
Marriage is not a joke that people walk in and out of. When two people get married, they bring together two families and then the third party (the children). You cease being one entity. I have in-laws who love me so much do you want me to ruin their aspirations and happiness? My parents too love my husband; do you want me to ruin that for them? I have children who love their father so much and equally love me; why would I stand in the way of their happiness by filing for divorce? In such cases many women pour their energies in keeping their marriage afloat.
Did you do everything in your power as a woman to save your marriage?
My dear, there is nothing that I didn’t do to make the marriage work. If it was being quiet about certain things I remained silent till I was left with only one option, which was to treat each other with mutual respect and understanding that we all had a duty to our children.
Did you try being submissive to him as your husband?
Me? Be submissive to a man? What for? I never went to school to be submissive to a man. As much as I agree with the bible in its teaching that a wife shall always be submissive to her husband, it doesn’t mean that I have to become reckless with my life. I respected myself enough and I still do.
Did the fact that you were political rivals worsen matters?
Our decision to live separately had nothing to do with politics, even though it was an issue that cropped up every now and again. But it was mostly pressure from his friends who thought he was passing on information to me and some from the opposition thought I was passing information to him, which was really absurd.
How about the fact that you are politically louder and more visible than him?
It was a growing challenge. Waters became muddy and unsettled but we were able to live with it. It was a little difficult because it takes a real man to appreciate their spouse’s attitude and capacities, while for a woman it is natural. Musumba suffers a lot because of me and I do feel for him but what should I do? Become less vocal and let this country go to the dogs?
You are FDC and he is NRM, would you dare be seen in public holding hands?
There is nothing wrong with that. Legally we are still husband and wife.
You are a mother of four boys. what do you tell them about women and love?
My oldest son is 19 and the youngest is six. I want them to be good husbands, caring, honest and know that the simple things in life always matter. I told them that if they ever cause heartache to anyone’s daughter, I will split their inheritance into half and give the half to the girl. So I know they will be good boys.
Do you regret not having daughters?
No. The only regret is that I will not have anyone to inherit my good dresses and skirts.
How do you handle attention from men?
Men know I am very risky business that is why they do not approach me that often. And besides this, I am not the emotional type to need a man now in my life to worry about this and that. Women should liberate themselves from men. Do not sulk because your man has walked away with another woman. If he has walked away from one woman to another, what is the change? It means he does not know what he wants.
You said men do not approach you that much, could it be that you always seem erratic, manly and impossible to love?
By the way I am a very addictive lover. Anybody who has ever loved me knows that I am very addictive and very difficult to leave. So it takes a real man to approach me.
What is your message to women?
Walk into marriage with a clear mission on what to put in and what to get out. Do not just surrender all you have.
What has marriage taught you?
Marriage has made me appreciate my father more. He was very organised and nobody reminded him of his duties. The generation of men we married has absconded from their responsibilities and the children are suffering.
I met him in 1984 at Makerere University. He was the speaker of the guild and every girl at campus wanted to be with him. He looked a very promising law student so when he expressed interest in me I accepted because I desired to know the guy who made all girls pick interest in him.
Why did you marry him?
By the time we left university we only had each other to depend on because we were both from poor families, had the same fears of the world and also had no social network in Kampala and yet we both needed mutual support and comfort. And at that time, AIDS was ‘harvesting’ many young people. So we married in 1989 because marriage to us meant security, companionship, friendship, comradeship and mutual support.
You now live in separate homes. why?
As a wife I just could not put up with him doing things behind my back, holding information, not being able to account for what he had been doing, where he was, etc. I had had enough of that. And as a woman, when you are unaware of certain things going on in your marriage, you can make a decision to stay with your husband. but when you know that he is being unfaithful or that something is not right, and when you talk and even fight about it and still there is no change, what do you do?
You mean he cheated on you?
He was unfaithful very many times. And you know it is okay if it is not in your face. But when it is, it becomes honourable for you to move on and that is exactly what I did. I live in Nakasero and he lives in Buziga.
Why didn’t you divorce him?
Marriage is not a joke that people walk in and out of. When two people get married, they bring together two families and then the third party (the children). You cease being one entity. I have in-laws who love me so much do you want me to ruin their aspirations and happiness? My parents too love my husband; do you want me to ruin that for them? I have children who love their father so much and equally love me; why would I stand in the way of their happiness by filing for divorce? In such cases many women pour their energies in keeping their marriage afloat.
Did you do everything in your power as a woman to save your marriage?
My dear, there is nothing that I didn’t do to make the marriage work. If it was being quiet about certain things I remained silent till I was left with only one option, which was to treat each other with mutual respect and understanding that we all had a duty to our children.
Did you try being submissive to him as your husband?
Me? Be submissive to a man? What for? I never went to school to be submissive to a man. As much as I agree with the bible in its teaching that a wife shall always be submissive to her husband, it doesn’t mean that I have to become reckless with my life. I respected myself enough and I still do.
Did the fact that you were political rivals worsen matters?
Our decision to live separately had nothing to do with politics, even though it was an issue that cropped up every now and again. But it was mostly pressure from his friends who thought he was passing on information to me and some from the opposition thought I was passing information to him, which was really absurd.
How about the fact that you are politically louder and more visible than him?
It was a growing challenge. Waters became muddy and unsettled but we were able to live with it. It was a little difficult because it takes a real man to appreciate their spouse’s attitude and capacities, while for a woman it is natural. Musumba suffers a lot because of me and I do feel for him but what should I do? Become less vocal and let this country go to the dogs?
You are FDC and he is NRM, would you dare be seen in public holding hands?
There is nothing wrong with that. Legally we are still husband and wife.
You are a mother of four boys. what do you tell them about women and love?
My oldest son is 19 and the youngest is six. I want them to be good husbands, caring, honest and know that the simple things in life always matter. I told them that if they ever cause heartache to anyone’s daughter, I will split their inheritance into half and give the half to the girl. So I know they will be good boys.
Do you regret not having daughters?
No. The only regret is that I will not have anyone to inherit my good dresses and skirts.
How do you handle attention from men?
Men know I am very risky business that is why they do not approach me that often. And besides this, I am not the emotional type to need a man now in my life to worry about this and that. Women should liberate themselves from men. Do not sulk because your man has walked away with another woman. If he has walked away from one woman to another, what is the change? It means he does not know what he wants.
You said men do not approach you that much, could it be that you always seem erratic, manly and impossible to love?
By the way I am a very addictive lover. Anybody who has ever loved me knows that I am very addictive and very difficult to leave. So it takes a real man to approach me.
What is your message to women?
Walk into marriage with a clear mission on what to put in and what to get out. Do not just surrender all you have.
What has marriage taught you?
Marriage has made me appreciate my father more. He was very organised and nobody reminded him of his duties. The generation of men we married has absconded from their responsibilities and the children are suffering.