Ask Auntie Liz
Nov 14, 2008
Dear aunt, <br>I am an administrative officer, 23, in an importing company in Kampala. I have been dating a guy for three years, on and off, because we were not living together. He proposed marriage, which I agreed.
Dear aunt,
I am an administrative officer, 23, in an importing company in Kampala. I have been dating a guy for three years, on and off, because we were not living together. He proposed marriage, which I agreed.
But the problem is, although he gives me everything when I ask, I still don’t feel his love! For instance, he never says thank you, inspite of pleasing him, never calls, never complements me on anything. But he does it to other people, even in my presence. My instincts are strongly telling me to leave him because I feel he doesn’t love or respect me.
One time, I left the country for two months. When I returned, I found him living with some girl! I was so heart broken and told him it was over. He pleaded, and after two months, I forgave him. Then this girl (she is a girlfriend to his friend and workmate) deceived him she had seen me with his friend. His attitude changed and only got back to normal when I threatened to leave.
He offends me and never says sorry. When I used to check his phone, (I have now stopped), I would find other girls’ messages. He would not mind and this always broke me. I would hold it, cry alone and die with it.
My conscience tells me that if I continue with him, he will not love or respect me. There are times I feel the urge to strangle him in his sleep and I struggle to restrain myself.
I have tried dating other guys but I still think of him. Please advise, because I need to tell him to stop the introduction preparations. Or should I let him go ahead hoping for a change when we get married?
Worried Victoria, Kampala
Dear Victoria,
You must be going through a moment of mixed feelings. You feel cheated by your partner even after trying so hard to keep the love burning. It is one thing to fall in love and another to stay in love. It takes a lot of time, effort and commitment to make it work. Sometimes it may take having to teach your partner how you want to be treated because he may not know how to treat you well. What seemingly puts your relationship at stake, at this moment, is that this guy is unstable. Could this explain why you have been in and out of this relationship? It is clear that his behaviour towards you is contradictory. He insists on marrying you, yet he is flirting with and seeing someone else. This doesn’t provide a good foundation for marriage. Have you talked to him about this before? You may need to confront him about this because it puts a check on his level of commitment to a relationship with you. If he can do this while you are dating, the chances of him changing in marriage are few.
Marrying someone to tolerate them doesn’t bring happiness. The decision of marriage is a permanent one, so you need to tread softly as you make a decision. If you have had an unstable dating relationship, then you need to agree on certain principles before you think of marriage.
It may be necessary that the two of you attend counselling together if you agree to go ahead with marriage.
I am an administrative officer, 23, in an importing company in Kampala. I have been dating a guy for three years, on and off, because we were not living together. He proposed marriage, which I agreed.
But the problem is, although he gives me everything when I ask, I still don’t feel his love! For instance, he never says thank you, inspite of pleasing him, never calls, never complements me on anything. But he does it to other people, even in my presence. My instincts are strongly telling me to leave him because I feel he doesn’t love or respect me.
One time, I left the country for two months. When I returned, I found him living with some girl! I was so heart broken and told him it was over. He pleaded, and after two months, I forgave him. Then this girl (she is a girlfriend to his friend and workmate) deceived him she had seen me with his friend. His attitude changed and only got back to normal when I threatened to leave.
He offends me and never says sorry. When I used to check his phone, (I have now stopped), I would find other girls’ messages. He would not mind and this always broke me. I would hold it, cry alone and die with it.
My conscience tells me that if I continue with him, he will not love or respect me. There are times I feel the urge to strangle him in his sleep and I struggle to restrain myself.
I have tried dating other guys but I still think of him. Please advise, because I need to tell him to stop the introduction preparations. Or should I let him go ahead hoping for a change when we get married?
Worried Victoria, Kampala
Dear Victoria,
You must be going through a moment of mixed feelings. You feel cheated by your partner even after trying so hard to keep the love burning. It is one thing to fall in love and another to stay in love. It takes a lot of time, effort and commitment to make it work. Sometimes it may take having to teach your partner how you want to be treated because he may not know how to treat you well. What seemingly puts your relationship at stake, at this moment, is that this guy is unstable. Could this explain why you have been in and out of this relationship? It is clear that his behaviour towards you is contradictory. He insists on marrying you, yet he is flirting with and seeing someone else. This doesn’t provide a good foundation for marriage. Have you talked to him about this before? You may need to confront him about this because it puts a check on his level of commitment to a relationship with you. If he can do this while you are dating, the chances of him changing in marriage are few.
Marrying someone to tolerate them doesn’t bring happiness. The decision of marriage is a permanent one, so you need to tread softly as you make a decision. If you have had an unstable dating relationship, then you need to agree on certain principles before you think of marriage.
It may be necessary that the two of you attend counselling together if you agree to go ahead with marriage.