Men want to be respected

By Hilary Bainemigisha and Raphael Okello

Marriage is like a closed glass window, they say. While the flies outside are really dying to enter, some flies inside want to come out.

The frequency of wedding meetings in Kampala and the willingness of people to contribute to the success of the functions confirms the popularity of the institution.

However, for many people, something soon happens to the marriage to smash the enthusiasm into tiny pieces, cripple the determination into scrap and drag it to the drainage of permanent disaster, separation and divorce.

The way is littered with such potholes as squabbles, battering, marital rape and, worst of all, adultery, which has propelled married people to top the statistics of HIV incidence in Uganda.

The survey reveals interesting findings, which counsellors, elders, sengas and everyone of us should take into account in an overall effort to redeem the institution of marriage.

What makes a good marriage?
Most married people identified faithfulness as the most important pillar of marriage, followed by mutual respect with a good sex life coming third.

Unlike popular opinion that men think of sex 24 hours a day, the survey showed that females ranked sex higher. Wives ranked it second and husbands, third.

“This is understandable,” said Denise Kimbugwe, one of the participants in the focus group discussion. “Men have ego problems and always want to interpret their wives’ reactions in terms of respect and disrespect. They want a submissive woman and whoever stands up against any injustice from the husband is called disrespectful.”

Men said they don’t want to be seen by friends as being disrespected by wives. Participants noted that what actually men call respect is TLC (tender loving care). “Welcome him home, give him a cold juice, warm water to bathe and generally tend to him, he will call you respectful”, said Laura Mugisha.

Edith Siango, said the secret to a healthy marriage lies in good communication. “It is out of communication that you get agreements, compromise and forgiveness.”

For this to happen, Annet Siima, a counsellor, advises couples to take longer dating, perhaps one to two years, before rushing into marriage. “By the time you marry, you know each other well,” she said.

Sex
The common belief is that sex is central to marriage. But it seems married people are failing to keep it atop all priorities all the time. Most people surveyed said faithfulness is the most important. Men, who are believed to be sex mongers don’t even place sex second. It comes third after respect. It is the wives who ranked a good sex life second after faithfulness.

The survey reveals that the sex curve declines as the marriage progresses. There is most sex soon after the marriage, and for over a quarter of the people surveyed, even before the marriage and, with time, it declines. In fact 6% of the people reported not having sex at all in their marriage!

A related survey carried out in England by The Sunday Times Magazine revealed that 16% of the couples surveyed no longer had sex.

The good news is that over a half of the married people surveyed could still describe their sex as frequent as weekly. 9% said they had sex once to twice a month, about 7% said sex is less often. This may be attributed to the stressing demands of modern lifestyles.

“We come into marriage expecting heaven and get disappointed as daily domestic, children, finance, job and responsibility demands make sex secondary,” Mugisha said. “By the time you go to bed, you are so exhausted that even if you forced sex into the programme, it is a matter of duty and little passion.”

The problem of monotony was also identified by the discussion group. “Same person every day removes the novelty excitement,” said Dennis Bogota. “This loss of interest is coupled with lack of motivation, especially for men. There is no feeling of achievement because the wife is already mine.”

Some argued that loss of attraction is sometimes attributed to time. Beauty and figure fade away, the care and love you used to express decrease and yet there may be other people who are willing to show the love someone is missing at home

So, the couple evolves into a brother-sister relationship and the temptation to cheat arises because it opens the couple’s eyes to the faults on the partner.

As the couple grows older, the health concerns set in reducing sexual urge.

Slightly less than half surveyed could describe their sex as very enjoyable. Others miss the sex they used to have early in the marriages. But generally, in spite of all disillusionment, sex is still redeemable. Only 2% described their sex as not enjoyable at all. But 24.3% preferred not to answer, which shows you the sacred place of confidentiality sex is given in the institute of marriage.

While the survey showed that it is mostly men who initiate sex, there is a rising 29% of men who said their wives initiate sex and 45% of men who agree that they equally initiate sex. That shows a step in the right direction from a time when sex was male dominated.

Infidelity
The irony is that while couples uphold faithfulness as a marriage pillar, over half of those questioned confessed to have cheated on the spouse. Men are more mischievous (65%) while almost a half of wives (47%) have cheated. This is unbelievably high in a traditional society like Uganda. This is comparable to the British survey, which showed 61% men and 45% of women confessing to infidelity.

Very few (12%) of the cheats have confessed to their partners either because the level of moral responsibility is wanting or the need to protect the marriage prevails. More women have come clean.

“This is because women are better communicators”, Kimbugwe said. “They are more in touch with their emotions and feelings and, to them, confession is offloading a burden to get relief. You only need a romantic environment and an understanding guy to feel you need to come clean.”

However, participants noted that total confession depends upon good approach not coercion and the partner’s reaction to the first confession.

Naturally, men don’t confess because of similar reasons. Society expects them to cheat, they know that women can take them back when they confess. “You need to first gather enough evidence to get the men to confess,” Kimbugwe added.

Both men and women said infidelity ranks much lower among the causes of arguments in the home. Could this show the level of discreet precaution spouses take before grazing offside?

Fornication
The gospel of abstinence is still snailing home as 70% confessed to having sex before marriage. This testing syndrome is dominated by men (75%) with women contributing about 66% to the statistic.
More women desisted from sex with their spouses before marriage. Around 27% said the sex they had before they married was much more frequent than after they got married.

Marriage arguments
Naturally, people trying to adjust to each other meet challenges that often end up in stormy arguments. But what do married people often argue about? Money, spending and investing ranked highest among the bones of contention.

Men follow this with squabbles about their wives’ insensitivity to their feelings and then sex.
Women, on the other hand, rank their husbands’ parenting skills, insensitivity to their feelings and in-laws higher than arguments about sex. “We know men and their egos. I cannot bring arguments about sex in a confrontational way,” says Madina Kyomugasho. “It comes as a discussion and I also see it as such.”

When it comes to succumbing to partner’s pressure, men were more willing to abandon their pursuit for the sake of their partners. Almost half of the women said they would still pursue their education and slightly fewer would continue with their religion even if their husbands disapproved of it. Fewer men took a similar stand.

However, when it comes to business and jobs, men were more adamant than women. More men would insist on their business or jobs than women if the partner demanded that they leave it.

“Women suffer more insecurity in marriage and see investment in education as one of the imperishable assets they can bank on,” said Mugisha “They will naturally prefer education to business because business can fail and the man’s hand may always be needed there. So when a man stops you from studying, it adds a fear that he could be up to something like keeping you unempowered and unprepared for future challenges.”

Divorce
In most religions, divorce is either outlawed or accepted only after stringent considerations. And in Uganda, divorce is still not as easily accessible as in developed counties. But the survey showed that in spite of this, married people generally recognise the need for divorce if marital problems become insurmountable.

While 73% recognise the need to do anything to save a marriage, 68% believe divorce should remain an option should things fail to work out.

What stands out strikingly is the revelation that 81% of the Catholics interviewed call for divorce if couples find it uncomfortable staying together. The Catholics church does not allow divorce and cannot remarry a divorced person unless the partner has died. And while 59% of the Born Again Christians call for marriage at whatever cost, more than half of them say divorce laws should be made easier. All the traditionalists say cohabiting is as good as marriage and half the Muslims support them. Equally surprising is that almost half of the Born Again Christians, whose puritan beliefs are the identifying mark, say cohabiting is acceptable.

Views on divorce are also influenced by the type of marriage couples are in. All the married were determined to do anything it takes to save the marriage (68%) and only 37% frown at “Till death do us part”. Very few (8%) of those who are married again, say couples should remain married at whatever cost. They defend divorce and say laws should be made easier. The divorced, however, say couples should do anything it takes to save their marriage which shows divorce is not as easy as it sounds. While all the divorced respondents said divorce laws should be made easier, half of them had no problems with the “till death do us apart” vow.

The enthusiasm of newly weds to make their marriages work is very recommendable. 67% of married people below 19 believe marriages should be maintained at whatever cost. But this determination wanes as time sets in. Their resolve declines progressively to 55% in the 20 – 29 age group. It continues to fade to 40% in the 30 – 39 group and by the time couples reach 40 and above, only 28% think marriage must be maintained at all costs.

Another surprise, the level of education impacts on views on divorce. Fewer of those who did not go to school (29%) believe couples should remain together at whatever cost. 71% want divorce made easy and 42% of those who studied up to primary school believe in marriage at all costs and this number increases slightly for secondary school level. More than half of university and tertiary graduates believe in marriage at all costs.

On the gender front, more women show determination to make marriage work at all costs, 60% want divorce to remain an option.

Cohabiting
Cohabiting has been criticised as lacking legal security for the wife and these concerns are being addressed in the domestic relations bill.

Nevertheless, half the men say cohabiting is as good as marriage and slightly less women disagreed. Most of the couples in their first marriage bashed it, but 67% of those in their second marriage gave it a favourable vote. The divorced voted overwhelmingly for it, even much more than those who are cohabiting themselves. Traditionalist also totally supported it. While Born Again Christians, Catholics and Protestants had problems with it, Muslims gave it a 50% vote. Young couples supported it by around 67% and those above 40 gave it 78%. But the 20 – 39 age group frowned upon it. Those who did not go to school and those who stopped anywhere before university and tertiary had no problem with cohabiting.

Polygamy
Views on polygamy show a movement from the traditional setting where it was the norm. Very few people (12%) said polygamy is always right. Surprisingly, more women supported this view. On the other hand, more women (65.5%) still said polygamy is never right compared to 32% of men. Slightly more than a half (57%) of the men say it is sometimes right.

Finances and domestic roles
There are many systems of handling finances in the home and all of them work for certain families. But what came out prominently in the survey was where couples divide roles like buying food, paying fees etc and each meets expenses as agreed. However most women insist that it is a man’s responsibility to meet all the family needs. Men don’t agree. Most say the couple can have separate accounts and each contribute to the family needs as they come. The option of a joint account to meet individual and family needs turned out to be the most unpopular.
The focus group discussion noted that a separate account is popular in women because of the insecurity wives live with in marriages. “Even when I am comfortable in my home, I want to keep some security in case the man changes”, one female participant said.
Women insist that it is a man’s responsibility to meet all family needs and when a woman comes in, it is an offer of assistance. “We know that when a man is spared this responsibility, he will spend his money on other women”, Kimbugwe said.

“We have natural roles in a home”, Mugisha added. “I give you TLC and you buy everything”. After all, she added, men’s ego will be hurt if a woman starts picking all the bills. They want to be the providers. Let them be”.
“Men will enjoy a woman who picks all the bills as long as she is not their wife”, someone suggested.

Almost half of either sex often feels that the partner does not care about their financial needs. Is that why separate accounts are so popular?
The issue of handling finances was identified as one of the principle cause of arguments.

This survey should be a reference point for everybody who is working to improve marriage and bring back the glory of the institution.