Why some women love men who beat them
I think I am going to divorce my husband,†Rose bellowed out to me bitterly. “How can he beat me when my own parents never beat me? Who does he think he is?â€
By Oscar Bamuhigire
I think I am going to divorce my husband,†Rose bellowed out to me bitterly. “How can he beat me when my own parents never beat me? Who does he think he is?â€
Rose, a mother of one of my clients decided to confide in me. “First of all, the man is now a drunkard and sleeps around with all kinds of women — from waitresses to tea girls! How can he make me look so cheap?â€
This was not the first time Rose was swearing to dump her abusive husband. The very first time she had come spitting fire, I took her seriously. But, for some reason, she always kept her man, even if she spoke evil of him. Even as she gave her ultimatums this time, I knew it was mere talk.
Despite the evil talk, she had decided to keep her man.
Psychologists say there are women who deliberately marry men who will mistreat them. They subconsciously find such relationships appealing and that is part of the reason why they do not leave.
Rose must be in that category. She had her own flourishing businesses and a mansion. She was far capable of surviving without her man. But, she could not leave him!
Dr M Scott Peck, in his book The Road Less Travelled, explains that such women endure their husband’s mistreatment and even seek it out, for the very pleasure of talking about it. For such women, the most important thing in their lives is to have a sense of moral superiority and that in order to maintain this sense they need to be mistreated. “By allowing herself to be treated basely, she can feel superior,†writes Dr Scott.
“Ultimately she can even have the sadistic pleasure of her husband’s begging and pleading to return and momentarily acknowledge her superiority from his humbled position, while she decides whether or not to magnanimously take him back.
And in this moment she achieves her revenge. When such women are examined, it is generally found that they were particularly humiliated as children. As a result they seek revenge through their sense of moral superiority, which requires repeated humiliation and mistreatment.â€
Such people look on their submission to mistreatment as love, but Dr Scott explains, it is in fact a necessity in their never ceasing search for revenge and is basically motivated by hatred.
Strangely men who beat women tend to love women who ‘enjoy’ such abuse!
Monica Amoding, the Advocacy and Media Officer, at the Centre for Domestic Violence Prevention (CEDOVIP) says most women stay in abusive relationships because of lack of self-sustainability.
“Some have made their husbands everything and they cannot leave because they do not have the economic ability to exist on their own,†she says.
“Society also frowns at women who ‘fail’ in marriages and this may force some of them to persist in abusive marriages.â€
Dr Charles L. Whitefield, in his book Healing The Child Within, says helping such women to recover requires some form of therapy. He recommends group therapy if the person was born in a dysfunctional family or was a victim of abuse.
Whitefield also points out that therapy is more effective when integrated with a full recovery programme, whose approach provides for a holistic physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery.
I think I am going to divorce my husband,†Rose bellowed out to me bitterly. “How can he beat me when my own parents never beat me? Who does he think he is?â€
Rose, a mother of one of my clients decided to confide in me. “First of all, the man is now a drunkard and sleeps around with all kinds of women — from waitresses to tea girls! How can he make me look so cheap?â€
This was not the first time Rose was swearing to dump her abusive husband. The very first time she had come spitting fire, I took her seriously. But, for some reason, she always kept her man, even if she spoke evil of him. Even as she gave her ultimatums this time, I knew it was mere talk.
Despite the evil talk, she had decided to keep her man.
Psychologists say there are women who deliberately marry men who will mistreat them. They subconsciously find such relationships appealing and that is part of the reason why they do not leave.
Rose must be in that category. She had her own flourishing businesses and a mansion. She was far capable of surviving without her man. But, she could not leave him!
Dr M Scott Peck, in his book The Road Less Travelled, explains that such women endure their husband’s mistreatment and even seek it out, for the very pleasure of talking about it. For such women, the most important thing in their lives is to have a sense of moral superiority and that in order to maintain this sense they need to be mistreated. “By allowing herself to be treated basely, she can feel superior,†writes Dr Scott.
“Ultimately she can even have the sadistic pleasure of her husband’s begging and pleading to return and momentarily acknowledge her superiority from his humbled position, while she decides whether or not to magnanimously take him back.
And in this moment she achieves her revenge. When such women are examined, it is generally found that they were particularly humiliated as children. As a result they seek revenge through their sense of moral superiority, which requires repeated humiliation and mistreatment.â€
Such people look on their submission to mistreatment as love, but Dr Scott explains, it is in fact a necessity in their never ceasing search for revenge and is basically motivated by hatred.
Strangely men who beat women tend to love women who ‘enjoy’ such abuse!
Monica Amoding, the Advocacy and Media Officer, at the Centre for Domestic Violence Prevention (CEDOVIP) says most women stay in abusive relationships because of lack of self-sustainability.
“Some have made their husbands everything and they cannot leave because they do not have the economic ability to exist on their own,†she says.
“Society also frowns at women who ‘fail’ in marriages and this may force some of them to persist in abusive marriages.â€
Dr Charles L. Whitefield, in his book Healing The Child Within, says helping such women to recover requires some form of therapy. He recommends group therapy if the person was born in a dysfunctional family or was a victim of abuse.
Whitefield also points out that therapy is more effective when integrated with a full recovery programme, whose approach provides for a holistic physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery.