Help! My child is a thief
Mar 25, 2007
My eight-year-old son, in primary three started staying with my sister–in-law when he was in top class. He was well-behaved till last term when he developed a habit of stealing.
Dear Jamesa,
My eight-year-old son, in primary three started staying with my sister–in-law when he was in top class. He was well-behaved till last term when he developed a habit of stealing.
This habit worsened and he has turned into a real thief. I tried to put him in boarding school this year but he steals other children’s property.
Sometime back, when I was punishing him, I got so angry that I threatened to disown or kill him if he dared steal again.
Since that time, his attitude has changed. He fears almost everyone. What can I do to bring him back?
Can he change from this deadly habit? I am deeply worried.
Worried mum
Dear worried mum,
HAVING a child who steals must be very disturbing. You must be feeling guilty and perhaps bitter for having failed to help your child out of this habit. But isn’t it consoling to know that parenting is a journey we all travel without preparation?
Your child is a unique gift God has given you without a user’s manual. You must keep learning everyday and mistakes are part of the game.
Stealing, like any other habit is not inborn but learnt from the child’s environment. The most critical formative years are between birth and the age of five when the foundation of the child’s personality is laid.
During such early years, the child’s brain is vulnerable making it easier for you to leave a mark of what you want your child to be.
What makes children steal and how do they develop this habit? Ericka Lutz is his book, Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Well-Behaved Child, emphasises the need to establish the motive behind habits before dealing with them.
Children younger than five years might not understand that it is wrong to take what belongs to another person. At your son’s age however, he must have developed a moral conscience to know that stealing is wrong.
Could he be stealing to impress friends who have lured him into lavish expenditure? Find out the kind of friends he has at school and in the neighbourhood.
Do you have a relationship that makes him free to discuss his needs with you? How far have you gone in teaching him moral values? His stay with your sister-in-law implies that you lost touch at a time when you were to instil in him some moral values.
At his age, you can still mould him but it requires lots of patience. You shouldn’t get mad because it is not his mistake that you didn’t impact on his life at the right age.
Let’s explore some ways of dealing with this challenge: l Discuss it with him and find out why he is stealing. As you do this, ensure that he does not benefit from stealing by making him return whatever is stolen to the owners.
l You cannot help him change without building a strong relationship with him. Do not embarrass, ridicule, or threaten him with death. Stealing does not turn your child into a ‘thief’ and branding him ‘thief’ might tempt him to fulfil that prophecy.
Always find something positive to compliment him about. l Your child must have missed the foundational lessons of moral values. Explain to him how his habit affects others and draw him closer to God. It is only the fear of God that can check his behaviour even while you are away.
Training him is your responsibility and you shouldn’t push it to the teachers. Never imagine that a boarding school can make him any better because no place will groom him better than his home!
It will take hard work to rebuild relationship and make him trust people again. Remember you can not change a person who fears you.
Bad as his behaviour might be, he is still your child. In case you face more difficulties, talk to a professional counsellor for help.
jwagwau@newvision.co.ug
0772-631032
My eight-year-old son, in primary three started staying with my sister–in-law when he was in top class. He was well-behaved till last term when he developed a habit of stealing.
This habit worsened and he has turned into a real thief. I tried to put him in boarding school this year but he steals other children’s property.
Sometime back, when I was punishing him, I got so angry that I threatened to disown or kill him if he dared steal again.
Since that time, his attitude has changed. He fears almost everyone. What can I do to bring him back?
Can he change from this deadly habit? I am deeply worried.
Worried mum
Dear worried mum,
HAVING a child who steals must be very disturbing. You must be feeling guilty and perhaps bitter for having failed to help your child out of this habit. But isn’t it consoling to know that parenting is a journey we all travel without preparation?
Your child is a unique gift God has given you without a user’s manual. You must keep learning everyday and mistakes are part of the game.
Stealing, like any other habit is not inborn but learnt from the child’s environment. The most critical formative years are between birth and the age of five when the foundation of the child’s personality is laid.
During such early years, the child’s brain is vulnerable making it easier for you to leave a mark of what you want your child to be.
What makes children steal and how do they develop this habit? Ericka Lutz is his book, Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Well-Behaved Child, emphasises the need to establish the motive behind habits before dealing with them.
Children younger than five years might not understand that it is wrong to take what belongs to another person. At your son’s age however, he must have developed a moral conscience to know that stealing is wrong.
Could he be stealing to impress friends who have lured him into lavish expenditure? Find out the kind of friends he has at school and in the neighbourhood.
Do you have a relationship that makes him free to discuss his needs with you? How far have you gone in teaching him moral values? His stay with your sister-in-law implies that you lost touch at a time when you were to instil in him some moral values.
At his age, you can still mould him but it requires lots of patience. You shouldn’t get mad because it is not his mistake that you didn’t impact on his life at the right age.
Let’s explore some ways of dealing with this challenge: l Discuss it with him and find out why he is stealing. As you do this, ensure that he does not benefit from stealing by making him return whatever is stolen to the owners.
l You cannot help him change without building a strong relationship with him. Do not embarrass, ridicule, or threaten him with death. Stealing does not turn your child into a ‘thief’ and branding him ‘thief’ might tempt him to fulfil that prophecy.
Always find something positive to compliment him about. l Your child must have missed the foundational lessons of moral values. Explain to him how his habit affects others and draw him closer to God. It is only the fear of God that can check his behaviour even while you are away.
Training him is your responsibility and you shouldn’t push it to the teachers. Never imagine that a boarding school can make him any better because no place will groom him better than his home!
It will take hard work to rebuild relationship and make him trust people again. Remember you can not change a person who fears you.
Bad as his behaviour might be, he is still your child. In case you face more difficulties, talk to a professional counsellor for help.
jwagwau@newvision.co.ug
0772-631032