My 14-year-old daughter is a thief
May 20, 2007
PARENTING is like an exploration in a wilderness. You can never know the terrains that lie ahead until you reach there. It is clear from what you have revealed that you have done your best, yet your efforts are not yielding much result.
Dear Jamesa,
My 14-year-old daughter in Senior Three is a thief. She steals petty things like wrist watches, grab and fellow students’ money. Initially, she was bright, but her performance has deteriorated. These days, she is just average. My talk with her yielded very little results. Can she really overcome this habit? What do I do?
Worried mother
Dear worried mother,
PARENTING is like an exploration in a wilderness. You can never know the terrains that lie ahead until you reach there. It is clear from what you have revealed that you have done your best, yet your efforts are not yielding much result.
Frustrating as it is, stealing does not mean your daughter is bad or that you have failed as a parent. It is a parenting challenge that you can deal with only if you understand its roots.
You have not clarified whether your daughter has had this habit since early childhood or not. Whatever the case, stealing is not inborn, but a habit that is learnt.
At your daughter’s age, she is expected to have developed a conscience that enables her to differentiate wrong from right. What then that drives her to steal?
Stealing appears like a problem, yet it might be a symptom of a problem she is grappling with.
Did you know that your family has a great impact on your daughter’s behaviour?
Do you live together with her father and does the girl receive the necessary attention from both of you? Did you know that even your marriage would affect your daughter’s behaviour?
A family is a cohesive unit bound by invisible cords. When there is a disruption in family relationship, all members respond to it differently. Children and parents respond to a family crisis uniquely, depending on their individual differences.
Sometimes teenagers steal to show their frustration with parents’ marital tribulations. In stealing from others, your daughter could be receiving the attention she misses from home and school.
A negative attention is better than none!
Joyce Divinyi, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, in Good Kids, Difficult Behaviour explains that a child’s behaviour is driven by emotions. Does your daughter feel loved or wanted in the family?
Stealing might be one way of compensating for an emotional vacuum in her life, especially if she believes that nobody cares about her.
Just as Judith Harris notes in The Nurture Assumption, children are more influenced by peers than parents. Do you know her closest friends? She might be facing immense pressure to conform to her peer group.
Dealing with stealing:
Develop an intimate relationship with her. You cannot influence a child who fears or hates you.
You can mention that stealing is wrong without branding her ‘thief’. Calling her ‘thief’ might make it worse. Look for opportunities to compliment her because humiliating her for stealing would damage her self-esteem.
Work hand in hand with her teachers so that they help her instead of punishment.
Help her draw closer to God. It is only the fear of God that can keep her behaviour in check all the time. In case of more difficulties, see a professional counsellor.
Remember to continue loving her because a mother’s love has the potential of taming even the wildest of children.
You are like a potter with clay in hands and the world will judge you by the quality of your work. Challenges are part of the game, please do not give up.
jwagwau@newvision.co.ug
0772-631032
My 14-year-old daughter in Senior Three is a thief. She steals petty things like wrist watches, grab and fellow students’ money. Initially, she was bright, but her performance has deteriorated. These days, she is just average. My talk with her yielded very little results. Can she really overcome this habit? What do I do?
Worried mother
Dear worried mother,
PARENTING is like an exploration in a wilderness. You can never know the terrains that lie ahead until you reach there. It is clear from what you have revealed that you have done your best, yet your efforts are not yielding much result.
Frustrating as it is, stealing does not mean your daughter is bad or that you have failed as a parent. It is a parenting challenge that you can deal with only if you understand its roots.
You have not clarified whether your daughter has had this habit since early childhood or not. Whatever the case, stealing is not inborn, but a habit that is learnt.
At your daughter’s age, she is expected to have developed a conscience that enables her to differentiate wrong from right. What then that drives her to steal?
Stealing appears like a problem, yet it might be a symptom of a problem she is grappling with.
Did you know that your family has a great impact on your daughter’s behaviour?
Do you live together with her father and does the girl receive the necessary attention from both of you? Did you know that even your marriage would affect your daughter’s behaviour?
A family is a cohesive unit bound by invisible cords. When there is a disruption in family relationship, all members respond to it differently. Children and parents respond to a family crisis uniquely, depending on their individual differences.
Sometimes teenagers steal to show their frustration with parents’ marital tribulations. In stealing from others, your daughter could be receiving the attention she misses from home and school.
A negative attention is better than none!
Joyce Divinyi, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, in Good Kids, Difficult Behaviour explains that a child’s behaviour is driven by emotions. Does your daughter feel loved or wanted in the family?
Stealing might be one way of compensating for an emotional vacuum in her life, especially if she believes that nobody cares about her.
Just as Judith Harris notes in The Nurture Assumption, children are more influenced by peers than parents. Do you know her closest friends? She might be facing immense pressure to conform to her peer group.
Dealing with stealing:
Develop an intimate relationship with her. You cannot influence a child who fears or hates you.
You can mention that stealing is wrong without branding her ‘thief’. Calling her ‘thief’ might make it worse. Look for opportunities to compliment her because humiliating her for stealing would damage her self-esteem.
Work hand in hand with her teachers so that they help her instead of punishment.
Help her draw closer to God. It is only the fear of God that can keep her behaviour in check all the time. In case of more difficulties, see a professional counsellor.
Remember to continue loving her because a mother’s love has the potential of taming even the wildest of children.
You are like a potter with clay in hands and the world will judge you by the quality of your work. Challenges are part of the game, please do not give up.
jwagwau@newvision.co.ug
0772-631032