You can still Smile after divorce
May 25, 2007
LOST marriages begin with the aim of success. But, sometimes, divorce crashes that belief. And it affects women more than men. In Uganda and most of Africa, a divorced woman is still a social anathema. She is mercilessly slandered and her fate is blamed totally on her, irrespective of the cause of t
By Elvis Basudde
LOST marriages begin with the aim of success. But, sometimes, divorce crashes that belief. And it affects women more than men. In Uganda and most of Africa, a divorced woman is still a social anathema. She is mercilessly slandered and her fate is blamed totally on her, irrespective of the cause of the divorce. Other women shun her, worried that now that she does not have a man of her own, she may seduce their husbands.
The suffering and trauma after divorce are endless. Many health experts now recognise divorce as a major cause of stress. Although men go through the same post-divorce trauma that women experience, many tend to remarry in the next two years after the divorce.
“When you are used to marriage, living single gets quite trying and you find yourself drifting back to married life,†says James Makanga who recently remarried.
Many divorced women in Uganda, however, tend to remain single, sometimes because of the stigma on marrying divorced women.
The first stage is usually a hurting and trying one emotionally. “Although it was me who left my husband, the first year afterwards was tough. I could not face life without him,†says Annet Nakubulwa, 36, a mother of two. She says she even prayed to God to bring her husband back, promising she would always be thankful and never complain again.
Psychologists say this is normal. For Nakubulwa, seeing a happy couple just holding hands bring tears to her eyes. She would run to the nearest public ladies washroom to have a good cry.
She sought professional counselling. “I had to talk to somebody or else I would have gone mad. The psychologist told me that hurting is natural and short-lived. I was moving from the suffering to the health and growth stage,†she says.
Survival mechanisms
Experts say in the first year, a divorcee is extremely vulnerable. They advise that you should not make any changes in your life at this stage, until you are feeling a little more self-confident. You should not make new career moves or move into a new neighbourhood unless it is absolutely necessary.
A US research shows that in the first year of divorce, 50% of the women end up in hospitals. They mostly suffer from colitis, asthma and ulcers — all stress-related diseases. To prevent this, experts recommend healthy eating and enough rest.
Some people experience bouts of anger. Prossy Nabbosa recalls how she spotted her ex in his new Pajero with his girlfriend the year they divorced. Without knowing what she was doing, she chased them on a boda-boda until the Pajero stopped at traffic lights. Nabbosa went over, pulled the girl out and rained blows on her, biting and clawing her. “I didn’t know what came over me. I was feeling this horrible fierce anger and felt I would burst if I didn’t hit somebody,†she says.
Psychologists believe managing primal anger is part of the healing process to get over your depression, but it should be released in more positive ways. Counsellors recommend screaming in the shower, jogging for long distances or banging a punching bag at home.
Other women hide behind a lot of frenzied activity and surround themselves with a happy-go-lucky crowd, which never seems to tire of partying.
Nakyobe had an extremely negative self-image by the time her husband left her and she did not think she could survive without him. “A friend persuaded me to attend a couple of parties with her,†says Nakyobe. “I discovered that, contrary to what my husband had drummed into my head about my looks, sexuality and abilities, other men found me attractive and interesting.â€
This emotional stroking worked wonders on her battered soul, but she remembers with some embarrassment that she did go a little overboard.
Once your self-esteem is restored, you will panic less about spending time alone and you will probably be ready to spend your energies on more creative and worthwhile pursuits.
“I learnt that not all men were like my husband. If you use this period as a learning experience, you can learn to put men in perspective and evaluate your own needs, values and goals,†Nakyobe says.
Rehema, on the other hand, threw all her energy into her job as a secretary. “I would go to bed at about 3:00am everyday totally exhausted and unable to feel any pain.â€
This reaction, psychologists say, is not necessarily negative. Choosing to spend time on a goal may be the best alternative. This also gives you an opportunity to get your work and financial life strengthened out. But, they warn that this total retreat into work should not be permanent. The world has exciting, new experiences and friends waiting for you.
Getting over it
If you mange to get through the various stages in about five years or so, you will have reached a stage of self-fulfilment and self-reliance. You will find that you are not angry with your ex-husband any more, or at the fact that you are not married anymore.
“I can now meet my ex-husband and his present wife and have a civilised conversation and even crack jokes,†says Nancy, a mother of two teenage sons, who has been divorced for eight years. “If anybody had told me seven years ago that I could have a normal conversation with that man without wishing him dead, I would have said they were crazy.â€
Most of the women confessed they had, at one time or other, neglected their offspring because of being wrapped up in their own trouble.
“Because you cannot really explain to the young ones what is happening, physical assurances of hugs and spending time together are very important. Remember that children have a right to see the other parent,†advises Kato, a psychologist.
He says it is advisable to explain to your children, in simple terms, what is happening and why. You should keep talking to them, updating information and making sure they know that the separation is not their fault.
LOST marriages begin with the aim of success. But, sometimes, divorce crashes that belief. And it affects women more than men. In Uganda and most of Africa, a divorced woman is still a social anathema. She is mercilessly slandered and her fate is blamed totally on her, irrespective of the cause of the divorce. Other women shun her, worried that now that she does not have a man of her own, she may seduce their husbands.
The suffering and trauma after divorce are endless. Many health experts now recognise divorce as a major cause of stress. Although men go through the same post-divorce trauma that women experience, many tend to remarry in the next two years after the divorce.
“When you are used to marriage, living single gets quite trying and you find yourself drifting back to married life,†says James Makanga who recently remarried.
Many divorced women in Uganda, however, tend to remain single, sometimes because of the stigma on marrying divorced women.
The first stage is usually a hurting and trying one emotionally. “Although it was me who left my husband, the first year afterwards was tough. I could not face life without him,†says Annet Nakubulwa, 36, a mother of two. She says she even prayed to God to bring her husband back, promising she would always be thankful and never complain again.
Psychologists say this is normal. For Nakubulwa, seeing a happy couple just holding hands bring tears to her eyes. She would run to the nearest public ladies washroom to have a good cry.
She sought professional counselling. “I had to talk to somebody or else I would have gone mad. The psychologist told me that hurting is natural and short-lived. I was moving from the suffering to the health and growth stage,†she says.
Survival mechanisms
Experts say in the first year, a divorcee is extremely vulnerable. They advise that you should not make any changes in your life at this stage, until you are feeling a little more self-confident. You should not make new career moves or move into a new neighbourhood unless it is absolutely necessary.
A US research shows that in the first year of divorce, 50% of the women end up in hospitals. They mostly suffer from colitis, asthma and ulcers — all stress-related diseases. To prevent this, experts recommend healthy eating and enough rest.
Some people experience bouts of anger. Prossy Nabbosa recalls how she spotted her ex in his new Pajero with his girlfriend the year they divorced. Without knowing what she was doing, she chased them on a boda-boda until the Pajero stopped at traffic lights. Nabbosa went over, pulled the girl out and rained blows on her, biting and clawing her. “I didn’t know what came over me. I was feeling this horrible fierce anger and felt I would burst if I didn’t hit somebody,†she says.
Psychologists believe managing primal anger is part of the healing process to get over your depression, but it should be released in more positive ways. Counsellors recommend screaming in the shower, jogging for long distances or banging a punching bag at home.
Other women hide behind a lot of frenzied activity and surround themselves with a happy-go-lucky crowd, which never seems to tire of partying.
Nakyobe had an extremely negative self-image by the time her husband left her and she did not think she could survive without him. “A friend persuaded me to attend a couple of parties with her,†says Nakyobe. “I discovered that, contrary to what my husband had drummed into my head about my looks, sexuality and abilities, other men found me attractive and interesting.â€
This emotional stroking worked wonders on her battered soul, but she remembers with some embarrassment that she did go a little overboard.
Once your self-esteem is restored, you will panic less about spending time alone and you will probably be ready to spend your energies on more creative and worthwhile pursuits.
“I learnt that not all men were like my husband. If you use this period as a learning experience, you can learn to put men in perspective and evaluate your own needs, values and goals,†Nakyobe says.
Rehema, on the other hand, threw all her energy into her job as a secretary. “I would go to bed at about 3:00am everyday totally exhausted and unable to feel any pain.â€
This reaction, psychologists say, is not necessarily negative. Choosing to spend time on a goal may be the best alternative. This also gives you an opportunity to get your work and financial life strengthened out. But, they warn that this total retreat into work should not be permanent. The world has exciting, new experiences and friends waiting for you.
Getting over it
If you mange to get through the various stages in about five years or so, you will have reached a stage of self-fulfilment and self-reliance. You will find that you are not angry with your ex-husband any more, or at the fact that you are not married anymore.
“I can now meet my ex-husband and his present wife and have a civilised conversation and even crack jokes,†says Nancy, a mother of two teenage sons, who has been divorced for eight years. “If anybody had told me seven years ago that I could have a normal conversation with that man without wishing him dead, I would have said they were crazy.â€
Most of the women confessed they had, at one time or other, neglected their offspring because of being wrapped up in their own trouble.
“Because you cannot really explain to the young ones what is happening, physical assurances of hugs and spending time together are very important. Remember that children have a right to see the other parent,†advises Kato, a psychologist.
He says it is advisable to explain to your children, in simple terms, what is happening and why. You should keep talking to them, updating information and making sure they know that the separation is not their fault.