My teenage daughter wants to have sex

Mar 06, 2006

Dear Jamesa, our 16-year-old daughter recently asked me in confidence if she could have sex with her 14-year-old boyfriend.

Dear Jamesa, our 16-year-old daughter recently asked me in confidence if she could have sex with her 14-year-old boyfriend. When I tried to discourage her, she got upset and told me she would go ahead with her plans. When I told her father, he beat her so much that she started bleeding. He locked her in a room for a day. Now she does not talk to us, but I suspect she plans to go on with her plans. Home is tense with everybody barking at everybody else. How can I save the situation?
Prisca - Kampala

Dear Prisca,
you acted like a concerned parent, expecting the best for your child. Your intentions notwithstanding, the approach was extreme.
Teenage is a critical stage that leaves children confused. It is characterised by a surge in physiological, emotional, sociological and psychological changes, which are responsible for the overwhelming interest in members of the opposite sex. Your daughter should be viewed as a victim of a developmental stage rather than a case of indiscipline.
Her question was a cry for help. Many teenagers handle their sexual affairs so secretively that parents only get to know of them after the damage has been done. Your daughter’s courage and honesty should be applauded.
When a teenager asks such a question, it shouldn’t be understood at face value. She was craving for a listening ear and helpful information rather than straight answers.
Did you find out whether your daughter understood the implications of having sex? A question of this nature means that your daughter doesn’t associate sex with feelings of guilt. Her question was an innocent search for information.
Since you did not know what to do, you supplied a ready answer without exploring the feelings behind the question. You and your daughter might have different a perception of sex, an issue that you didn’t explore.
Beating up a teenager for revealing their intention to have sex might appear like a parental prerogative yet it compounds an already bad situation. The confidence that your child had in you initially has been abused and trashed. She is not talking to any of you because she feels misunderstood and betrayed.
Her father was stretched by emotions, but who says children should be handled like criminals? Punishing like this amounts to child abuse and might damage your relationship with the child for life. Did you know that she could still go ahead with her sex plans in spite of your beating? What you need to know is:
l Interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex are quite healthy, but must be handled with care. By 16 you are expected to have prepared your daughter for teenage challenges.
l Exercise your parental control without being dictatorial. Imposing harsh regulations without explanations makes children lose their sense of moral conscience. Teenagers need are a listening ear, acceptance and information to guide them.
l To a teenager, your hostility communicates rejection. Therefore, her father’s beating must have pushed her deeper into the arms of her boyfriend.
l The best way to avoid mischief is to know your daughter’s closest friends of the opposite sex. This exposure gives the children more accountability than when they interact behind closed doors.
You need the help of a professional counsellor to help you mend fences with your daughter.
Although you acted like most parents would, you didn’t improve the situation. Apart from creating mistrust, guilt and hatred, your beating did not help your daughter in any way.

jwagwau@newvision.co.ug
0772-631032

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