Things you must not brag about in public
Mar 22, 2006
<b>By Hillary Bainemigisha</b><br>She was beautiful, but loose! Like the Movement, she welcomed everyone who wanted a bit. In the early 1980s when chastity still walked our streets head high, she couldn’t find a man to marry her because every boy in our village had a sexual story to tell about he
She was beautiful, but loose! Like the Movement, she welcomed everyone who wanted a bit. In the early 1980s when chastity still walked our streets head high, she couldn’t find a man to marry her because every boy in our village had a sexual story to tell about her. It was some guy from afar that stormed our village without stopping to ask for directions that took her by face value.
Later when we met our muko at some drinking joint, he was so full of himself; telling everybody how his wife was the most beautiful in their village (granted!) and how boys in our village were too intimidated to approach her for sex (ha ha ha!) because her hymen was intact. God bless this pearl of Africa.
Even at my age and experience then, I knew certain things in love could not be claimed in the gathering of men or women. There are those harmless lies we tell each other to keep enough water in Lake Victoria. They may keep the heart pumping well, but should not be repeated at press conferences.
Yet just recently, this guy came boasting about how he was the best lover in the country. Hadn’t his wife said that much on oath? If you meet anybody more naïve, send me mail. The following are some of such claims better left inside our hearts:
My spouse can never cheat on me
It is a good assurance when your spouse chips it in after a love session, but don’t repeat it at the bar or in the salon. Your very audience may include poachers who would laugh aloud after you have left. Besigye said it and isn’t he in court over the same?
I am the best in bed
We have all been told so. So if everybody is the best, who is number two? It doesn’t matter whether partners mean it when they say it. Don’t stop to think or else you will be asking questions about how many people were sampled and how many polling stations were tallied to declare you winner.
I am the only one she/he loves
This is perhaps the most reassuring whisper as you cuddle in bed. Love is about exclusive rights, isn’t it? However, don’t brag about it. There could be many more who also think so. What will you say when a reshuffle drops you?
I was her first
This is common with guys who have not heard of girls who wash their privates with Coca-cola or sit in OMO for minutes to make themselves tight. Women have a thousand and one tricks to erase a dilapidated Radio Uganda building and replace it with a five-star modern hotel. A Commonwealth guest will not know that there was once a gaping hole where narrow stairs now are. So don’t be like our muko; keep quiet, you will live longer.
He doesn’t love her; he only wanted sex
Most girls whose men have been caught offside usually grab the nearest opportunity to explain to sympathisers about how their men were ‘using’ the other woman and loving them. That is a ‘consoling’ explanation from cheats who have no better petition to lodge into High Court, but must you believe it to the extent of reproducing them via an amplifier? What if the reverse was true, would he have told you? Etc, etc.
I am not trying to construct lie radars in your brains. When it comes to sex — that most sensitive of topics, it is safer to believe most things a lover tells you without asking for proof.
But don’t write self-praising banners basing on the sweet pillow talk. And avoid claims that have future implications. Today, you are in government, tomorrow you may be in the opposition hurling abuses at the system you swore was pure.
Ends
Later when we met our muko at some drinking joint, he was so full of himself; telling everybody how his wife was the most beautiful in their village (granted!) and how boys in our village were too intimidated to approach her for sex (ha ha ha!) because her hymen was intact. God bless this pearl of Africa.
Even at my age and experience then, I knew certain things in love could not be claimed in the gathering of men or women. There are those harmless lies we tell each other to keep enough water in Lake Victoria. They may keep the heart pumping well, but should not be repeated at press conferences.
Yet just recently, this guy came boasting about how he was the best lover in the country. Hadn’t his wife said that much on oath? If you meet anybody more naïve, send me mail. The following are some of such claims better left inside our hearts:
My spouse can never cheat on me
It is a good assurance when your spouse chips it in after a love session, but don’t repeat it at the bar or in the salon. Your very audience may include poachers who would laugh aloud after you have left. Besigye said it and isn’t he in court over the same?
I am the best in bed
We have all been told so. So if everybody is the best, who is number two? It doesn’t matter whether partners mean it when they say it. Don’t stop to think or else you will be asking questions about how many people were sampled and how many polling stations were tallied to declare you winner.
I am the only one she/he loves
This is perhaps the most reassuring whisper as you cuddle in bed. Love is about exclusive rights, isn’t it? However, don’t brag about it. There could be many more who also think so. What will you say when a reshuffle drops you?
I was her first
This is common with guys who have not heard of girls who wash their privates with Coca-cola or sit in OMO for minutes to make themselves tight. Women have a thousand and one tricks to erase a dilapidated Radio Uganda building and replace it with a five-star modern hotel. A Commonwealth guest will not know that there was once a gaping hole where narrow stairs now are. So don’t be like our muko; keep quiet, you will live longer.
He doesn’t love her; he only wanted sex
Most girls whose men have been caught offside usually grab the nearest opportunity to explain to sympathisers about how their men were ‘using’ the other woman and loving them. That is a ‘consoling’ explanation from cheats who have no better petition to lodge into High Court, but must you believe it to the extent of reproducing them via an amplifier? What if the reverse was true, would he have told you? Etc, etc.
I am not trying to construct lie radars in your brains. When it comes to sex — that most sensitive of topics, it is safer to believe most things a lover tells you without asking for proof.
But don’t write self-praising banners basing on the sweet pillow talk. And avoid claims that have future implications. Today, you are in government, tomorrow you may be in the opposition hurling abuses at the system you swore was pure.
Ends