Why your child may not be happy with his good marks

Apr 24, 2006

WE all burst out laughing at a guy after he received his marks. “I am supposed to have 80%,” he said as he burst into tears. The teacher had given him 78%. He went in a corner and reviewed his paper several times, adding up his marks. Finally, he was able to spot a missing mark and he went back

By Oscar Bamuhigire

WE all burst out laughing at a guy after he received his marks. “I am supposed to have 80%,” he said as he burst into tears. The teacher had given him 78%. He went in a corner and reviewed his paper several times, adding up his marks. Finally, he was able to spot a missing mark and he went back to the teacher.

After that, this fellow read so hard and often missed sports and meals because he wanted to make sure that he never scored below 80%. It didn’t matter to him that he was always the best in class. Many of us wondered about this guy, especially because for many of us, a 65% was good enough.

I have come across many such cases of students and adults. I have seen people who are wealthy and successful, but extremely unhappy and workaholic. The problem with such people, psychiatrists explain, has a lot to do with an abusive childhood. Children from alcoholic or dysfunctional families tend to take on several roles, one of which is the perfectionist. This is the type of person who can never be happy regardless of how successful they become.

“If you were the perfectionist, you were the family manager, the one who kept things running smoothly,” writes Dr Steven Farmer, in his book, Adult Children of Abusive Parents.

“Since your parent’s behaviour was so inconsistent and unpredictable, you took on the duty of providing some structure and consistency for yourself and others in the family. As the oldest or only child, you denied your own feelings and needs and accommodated those of others.

Rescuing dad or mom from their responsibilities became second nature to you. The words ‘responsible,’ ‘achieving,’ ‘mature,’ and ‘reliable,’ describe you very well. You grew up too fast, taking on adult responsibilities and worries long before you were physically or emotionally ready. Further, you tried to do them perfectly — to you, your very life depended on it.”

The problem with such a situation is that it tends to pave the way for father/ daughter incest because the mother is passive and emotionally distant from her children and the father wants the daughter to take on the mother’s role.
Though few perfectionists are victims of incest, they share one thing in common: they are quite unhappy and dissatisfied with their achievements.

“If you have taken on the perfectionist role,” writes Dr Farmer, “you are experiencing continuous dissatisfaction and restlessness. Though perfectionism can drive you to achieve, it may also be your greatest impediment. Your attention to detail is an asset, but more of your time is directed to getting others approval than getting the job done. You may look good to others, but you don’t feel good to yourself.”

Such people tend to move around with fear that people might find out who they really are. Their perfectionist role demands so much control, so much attention to unnecessary detail, that they are unwilling to delegate tasks for fear that others will not perform as well as them. As a consequence, they make their work more difficult than it should be. Dr Farmer says, “You frequently feel stressed to the breaking point as you find your work becomes a series of crises to be handled.”

Very often, work requires teamwork, but such people are unable to work as a team and often get isolated or fail at their tasks, or choose tasks, which they can handle alone.

In adulthood, they remain perfectionists, which affects their relationships. They set high standards for people that can hardly be met. The few friends they have face the continual risk of being rejected for the slightest mistake. They are not tolerant of others and themselves.

Such people are so difficult to live with because their need to be in control drives them into wanting to change other people to meet up to their standards.

Often people reject such control. The perfectionist moves around trying to change people and winds up frustrated.
Perfectionists are generally unhappy. In school, teachers wonder why their best student may appear to be frustrated and depressed, but the root of their problem has a lot to do with their troubled home life.

Such people have to address their issues, but it is very difficult if the child is still living in with their abusive/ alcoholic parents, though leaving home doesn’t mean that one heals.

Therefore, in certain cases, change of environment is preferred, but therapy is a necessity.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});