I hate babies with a passion
Hurray, one extra person has just beefed up the Alur population. My brother from different parents, Patrick Oyulu (OPP) and Chichi recently reaped the fruits of their nocturnal activities with a bouncing baby boy. Can you imagine I am officially going to become Uncle Saggy!
Hurray, one extra person has just beefed up the Alur population. My brother from different parents, Patrick Oyulu (OPP) and Chichi recently reaped the fruits of their nocturnal activities with a bouncing baby boy. Can you imagine I am officially going to become Uncle Saggy!
Speaking of babies, quite many people are heading to the maternity wards these days. At first, I thought it had a thing to do with Labour Day, only to be told that that’s only a day for workers – just like Palm Sunday is for wankers!. Anyway, today, I want to give tips on baby management.
Truth is, I am not a baby expert, but I personally have er..... millions of potential babies. You can dare me!
Now, before you guys do the Femi Kuti thing (Beng, beng, beng!) have you thought about how to handle that little bundle of joy? I have dealt with babies and I can tell you I hate them with a passion, these things do not believe in sleeping at night, they are convinced that night hours are best utilised to make loud noises. If you think biwempe churches are the most ballistic nocturnal noise-makers, then you clearly don’t have a baby!
Imagine at that time when you are ingiaring your third dream and then a sharp shrieking noise cuts through the air much to your chagrin, you are awakened albeit rudely only to discover that the little thing only wants attention – I wish it knew that only adults would want attention at that devilish time!
Recently, I visited a cousin of mine who has a baby. The baby is slightly bigger than both my palms combined, but when I dared touch it, it unleashed a noise that needed a richter scale to weigh! The neighbourhood gathered just in case there was a gross case of child abuse. I swear from that day, I really ha-ha-d babies.
First of all, I have never understood them (not that they have ever understood me either!) When I carry one, they immediately dash for my specs wondering what technological breakthrough this is. To tickle their fancy, I normally remove the specs and hand them over and the next thing they are trying to insert them in their mouth. If you are not paying attention, you will find the poor little thing sucking onto the specs like it’s a staple food!
The other issue with babies is the constant supply of arse-wipe a.k.a diapers. Can you imagine a grown up man spending their entire day changing diapers off the bottoms of these little ones? I know of a friend who has changed so many diapers that if they were each converted into a brick; they would be enough to build back the world trade centre!
With Uganda continuously winning the world cup trophy for alcohol consumption, I advise the ladies not dare leave babies at home with their fathers (This has nothing to do with you, OPP, I swear!), you will find the little one with a cigarette in one hand (don’t they like putting stuff in their mouths?) a beer in the other and your husband with a T-shirt neatly inscribed on ‘BEST DAD IN THE WORLD.’
Harry Sagara is Chief
Executive, Bullseye Creative
www.bullseyecreative.co.ug
Speaking of babies, quite many people are heading to the maternity wards these days. At first, I thought it had a thing to do with Labour Day, only to be told that that’s only a day for workers – just like Palm Sunday is for wankers!. Anyway, today, I want to give tips on baby management.
Truth is, I am not a baby expert, but I personally have er..... millions of potential babies. You can dare me!
Now, before you guys do the Femi Kuti thing (Beng, beng, beng!) have you thought about how to handle that little bundle of joy? I have dealt with babies and I can tell you I hate them with a passion, these things do not believe in sleeping at night, they are convinced that night hours are best utilised to make loud noises. If you think biwempe churches are the most ballistic nocturnal noise-makers, then you clearly don’t have a baby!
Imagine at that time when you are ingiaring your third dream and then a sharp shrieking noise cuts through the air much to your chagrin, you are awakened albeit rudely only to discover that the little thing only wants attention – I wish it knew that only adults would want attention at that devilish time!
Recently, I visited a cousin of mine who has a baby. The baby is slightly bigger than both my palms combined, but when I dared touch it, it unleashed a noise that needed a richter scale to weigh! The neighbourhood gathered just in case there was a gross case of child abuse. I swear from that day, I really ha-ha-d babies.
First of all, I have never understood them (not that they have ever understood me either!) When I carry one, they immediately dash for my specs wondering what technological breakthrough this is. To tickle their fancy, I normally remove the specs and hand them over and the next thing they are trying to insert them in their mouth. If you are not paying attention, you will find the poor little thing sucking onto the specs like it’s a staple food!
The other issue with babies is the constant supply of arse-wipe a.k.a diapers. Can you imagine a grown up man spending their entire day changing diapers off the bottoms of these little ones? I know of a friend who has changed so many diapers that if they were each converted into a brick; they would be enough to build back the world trade centre!
With Uganda continuously winning the world cup trophy for alcohol consumption, I advise the ladies not dare leave babies at home with their fathers (This has nothing to do with you, OPP, I swear!), you will find the little one with a cigarette in one hand (don’t they like putting stuff in their mouths?) a beer in the other and your husband with a T-shirt neatly inscribed on ‘BEST DAD IN THE WORLD.’
Harry Sagara is Chief
Executive, Bullseye Creative
www.bullseyecreative.co.ug