The seven wonders of Uganda
THE world has seven wonders and so does Uganda. There are seven things in Uganda that just cannot be explained or proven scientifically.
By Elvina Nawaguna
THE world has seven wonders and so does Uganda. There are seven things in Uganda that just cannot be explained or proven scientifically.
1. Kikalabanda
Ask anyone who has ever been to boarding school in Uganda and you will hear different versions of kikalabanda.
Kikalabanda is some strange creature; a kind of ghost or goblin. Apparently, this spirit makes its presence known by the sound of wooden scholls on the floor, causing mayhem in the dormitories. Kikalabanda must be a shy guy because he only shows up after lights out and of all the people who have heard him, felt his touch or felt him sit on their backs, none has ever seen him.
In Namasagali College, no one has ever seen “White Man†who has been there for decades, but at least they know he is white.
In Wairaka College, “Headless†has also never been seen, but one thing is for sure; he has no head! At one point, even taxi men were claiming to have given him/her a ride.
Can Mr. Kikalabanda stand up right now or get out of our imaginations!
2. Remote Control doctors
We have a unique breed of amazing doctors in Uganda. Most of them are bone/joint specialists. I don’t want to call them witches, but the way they do their thing is a bit witchy-kinky.
When you visit the doctor, say in Masaka, or Mubende or some far off district, he gives you some kind of stick and tells you to return to Kampala. He tells you that he will have to regularly check on you and twist the broken bone to aid the healing process.
He puts your fears of travelling to and from his “clinic†frequently to rest.
They say from a million miles away, at an agreed time, the doctor twists your bone! No, you won’t see him because he is miles away. You just feel your arm being twisted as you writhe in pain.
After a series of twists, your broken bone is healed. Science cannot explain how these doctors work. Wonder why the authorities investigate Mariandina and Khomeini doctors, but never go for our remote control doctors? Are people in authority visiting them too?
3. Potholes
No country has more potholes than Uganda. In fact, we just have bits of road in our potholes.
If potholes were an export good, we would be the richest country in the world beating even the oil producing countries.
Dodging potholes has become my favourite game while driving home. Every trip I take, I reward myself with marks for improving my pothole dodging skills. Actually, it should be declared a national sport and other countries can come to Uganda for training at a fee.
Our ministers, MPs and other leaders play this sport everyday on their way to and from work. You ask Sebaana who uses the Namuwongo road everyday. Maybe their cars have such great shock absorbers that they cannot feel the bumpy ride.
So, since our leaders do not know that potholes exist in this country, they will remain one of our nationally treasured possessions. Funny though that before they became leaders, they knew and even complained about the potholes
4. President Museveni
The first and only democratically elected president of Uganda, Mr. Museveni is indeed an incredible wonder.
He promised a fundamental change and we have had the word over and over in the many years he has been around. But the wonder in him is the stories that I used to hear and many people say they heard too.
Apparently (I frankly don’t know how true they are) during the 1980-1986 Bush war, he would transform into a cat, an envelope or an old woman when the enemy was around. That way, the enemy could never kill him.
I guess when Obote’s guys saw a ka-cute kitty meowing at them, they threw it some biscuits or just kicked it out of the way and the cat smiled to itself as the enemy went ahead in pursuit of wind.
And the old woman probably looked so poor and close to her death that the enemy’s soldiers saw no need to waste a bullet on her. The ultimate disguise. We, however, can neither explain nor prove this scientifically or otherwise.
5. Public Holidays
Is there any country in the world with half as many public holidays as Uganda? I can’t give you the number of public holidays we have already had this first half of the year.
I counted with my fingers and toes and gave up when I had to find stones to sum them all up. This time, the Guinness book of world records cannot ignore us anymore.
Big ups Uganda! Have fun, no need to work. Holidays are more important. Mr. President, the next time your nephew’s cousin’s grandparents’ neighbour’s dog has a running nose, please make that another holiday for us.
6. Pulling
When I had just joined senior one, a female classmate of ours came up to the front of the class to deliver what she called valuable advice in the absence of a teacher.
I don’t know which boarding primary school she was from, but like in many homes and boarding schools, they had taught her the art of “pullingâ€, which she was glad to share with us.
For those who do not know the meaning of the word pulling, although I doubt there is any who doesn’t, it is the art, science and totally disturbing practice of stretching some parts of the female genitalia.
No one seems to be clear about the reason for it. Some say it is for increased sexual pleasure (for the man or for the woman?). Others say it aids childbirth and yet others say it is dangerous for childbirth. I have heard stories of the “pulled part†strangling a baby at birth.
Many tribes in Uganda follow this practice and train their girls from an early age on how to do it. Apparently, some wives are sent back to their paternal aunties if the husband finds out on the wedding night that they haven’t “pulledâ€. But again, world over, Ugandan females are popular for having some special effects behind closed doors. Maybe the “pulling†thing works magic after all?
7. Our Members of Parliament
Hail the leaders of this country; the representatives of the common man.
They know and understand their people so well that they very well represent the people’s problems and interests in the house and interests like the amount of money our beloved members of parliament will be paid. (This is usually the first and most heated debate of every parliament).
They represent our interests in proving their sexuality; who is fertile and who is not? Some of them have been so faithful as to even parade their offspring and spouses to prove to the house and entire nation that they can reproduce.
Some are rapists, others, wife-beaters. Yet again, we have a new set of members of parliament. May they carry on with the legacy that their predecessors started.
THE world has seven wonders and so does Uganda. There are seven things in Uganda that just cannot be explained or proven scientifically.
1. Kikalabanda
Ask anyone who has ever been to boarding school in Uganda and you will hear different versions of kikalabanda.
Kikalabanda is some strange creature; a kind of ghost or goblin. Apparently, this spirit makes its presence known by the sound of wooden scholls on the floor, causing mayhem in the dormitories. Kikalabanda must be a shy guy because he only shows up after lights out and of all the people who have heard him, felt his touch or felt him sit on their backs, none has ever seen him.
In Namasagali College, no one has ever seen “White Man†who has been there for decades, but at least they know he is white.
In Wairaka College, “Headless†has also never been seen, but one thing is for sure; he has no head! At one point, even taxi men were claiming to have given him/her a ride.
Can Mr. Kikalabanda stand up right now or get out of our imaginations!
2. Remote Control doctors
We have a unique breed of amazing doctors in Uganda. Most of them are bone/joint specialists. I don’t want to call them witches, but the way they do their thing is a bit witchy-kinky.
When you visit the doctor, say in Masaka, or Mubende or some far off district, he gives you some kind of stick and tells you to return to Kampala. He tells you that he will have to regularly check on you and twist the broken bone to aid the healing process.
He puts your fears of travelling to and from his “clinic†frequently to rest.
They say from a million miles away, at an agreed time, the doctor twists your bone! No, you won’t see him because he is miles away. You just feel your arm being twisted as you writhe in pain.
After a series of twists, your broken bone is healed. Science cannot explain how these doctors work. Wonder why the authorities investigate Mariandina and Khomeini doctors, but never go for our remote control doctors? Are people in authority visiting them too?
3. Potholes
No country has more potholes than Uganda. In fact, we just have bits of road in our potholes.
If potholes were an export good, we would be the richest country in the world beating even the oil producing countries.
Dodging potholes has become my favourite game while driving home. Every trip I take, I reward myself with marks for improving my pothole dodging skills. Actually, it should be declared a national sport and other countries can come to Uganda for training at a fee.
Our ministers, MPs and other leaders play this sport everyday on their way to and from work. You ask Sebaana who uses the Namuwongo road everyday. Maybe their cars have such great shock absorbers that they cannot feel the bumpy ride.
So, since our leaders do not know that potholes exist in this country, they will remain one of our nationally treasured possessions. Funny though that before they became leaders, they knew and even complained about the potholes
4. President Museveni
The first and only democratically elected president of Uganda, Mr. Museveni is indeed an incredible wonder.
He promised a fundamental change and we have had the word over and over in the many years he has been around. But the wonder in him is the stories that I used to hear and many people say they heard too.
Apparently (I frankly don’t know how true they are) during the 1980-1986 Bush war, he would transform into a cat, an envelope or an old woman when the enemy was around. That way, the enemy could never kill him.
I guess when Obote’s guys saw a ka-cute kitty meowing at them, they threw it some biscuits or just kicked it out of the way and the cat smiled to itself as the enemy went ahead in pursuit of wind.
And the old woman probably looked so poor and close to her death that the enemy’s soldiers saw no need to waste a bullet on her. The ultimate disguise. We, however, can neither explain nor prove this scientifically or otherwise.
5. Public Holidays
Is there any country in the world with half as many public holidays as Uganda? I can’t give you the number of public holidays we have already had this first half of the year.
I counted with my fingers and toes and gave up when I had to find stones to sum them all up. This time, the Guinness book of world records cannot ignore us anymore.
Big ups Uganda! Have fun, no need to work. Holidays are more important. Mr. President, the next time your nephew’s cousin’s grandparents’ neighbour’s dog has a running nose, please make that another holiday for us.
6. Pulling
When I had just joined senior one, a female classmate of ours came up to the front of the class to deliver what she called valuable advice in the absence of a teacher.
I don’t know which boarding primary school she was from, but like in many homes and boarding schools, they had taught her the art of “pullingâ€, which she was glad to share with us.
For those who do not know the meaning of the word pulling, although I doubt there is any who doesn’t, it is the art, science and totally disturbing practice of stretching some parts of the female genitalia.
No one seems to be clear about the reason for it. Some say it is for increased sexual pleasure (for the man or for the woman?). Others say it aids childbirth and yet others say it is dangerous for childbirth. I have heard stories of the “pulled part†strangling a baby at birth.
Many tribes in Uganda follow this practice and train their girls from an early age on how to do it. Apparently, some wives are sent back to their paternal aunties if the husband finds out on the wedding night that they haven’t “pulledâ€. But again, world over, Ugandan females are popular for having some special effects behind closed doors. Maybe the “pulling†thing works magic after all?
7. Our Members of Parliament
Hail the leaders of this country; the representatives of the common man.
They know and understand their people so well that they very well represent the people’s problems and interests in the house and interests like the amount of money our beloved members of parliament will be paid. (This is usually the first and most heated debate of every parliament).
They represent our interests in proving their sexuality; who is fertile and who is not? Some of them have been so faithful as to even parade their offspring and spouses to prove to the house and entire nation that they can reproduce.
Some are rapists, others, wife-beaters. Yet again, we have a new set of members of parliament. May they carry on with the legacy that their predecessors started.