My child is careless

Jul 23, 2006

Dear Jamesa<br>My daughter in P5 (10 years) is very careless. She loses her belongings every time and has even lost her school bag with all its contents as well as her shoes.

Dear Jamesa
My daughter in P5 (10 years) is very careless. She loses her belongings every time and has even lost her school bag with all its contents as well as her shoes. She has gone as far as losing her sisters’ belongings and the items at home too. I give her a new pen nearly every morning. I have punished this girl many times, but she has remained careless. What do we do to make her change?
Namahanga A R

Dear Namahanga,
Did you describe your daughter as ‘careless’? I beg to differ; she only lacks responsibility skills. Like any other skill, responsibility does not fall on children from heaven; it must be taught.
The most appropriate question should be ‘Where did I go wrong in my role as a parent?’ rather than ‘Why is this child careless to this extent?’ Your parental duty is not to punish, but to train this girl to be responsible.
Foster Cline and Jim Fay in their book, Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, say responsibility is an attitude as well as a skill. As an attitude, responsibility enables the child to follow instructions, carry out assigned tasks, take care of her belongings or return borrowed items without being reminded.
When do you instill responsibility skills? As early as when your child begins to learn toilet skills. By teaching the child that her body wastes belong to a particular place (potty) or making her keep away her dolls after playing, you are sowing the seeds of responsibility.
This training makes her acquire a sense of order that makes her sensitive to her environment. Losing school bags, shoes and pens is not a problem, but a symptom of a problem rooted in your parenting style. Did you teach her basic responsibility skills early? There is nothing strange with her behaviour; she is bearing fruits of seeds you have been sowing since she was born.
Children are not punished into being responsible; they are trained. Responsibility is not acquired in a day, but given little by little. Here is how to go about it:
l Responsibility training does not take huge tasks. Assign tasks like watering the flowers, making the bed and by the age of five, she should be able to set the table and clear it. A child who can make her bed without being reminded will keep her pens and shoes responsibly.
l Give instructions and discuss the acceptable time frame for getting it done then let the child take it up. Do not nag, just demand for accountability. Resist the temptation of calling the child names.
l Do not overwhelm the child with too many tasks. It is not the amount of tasks that matter, but the child’s ability to carry them out without being reminded.
l Believe in your child and always expect her to be responsible. Calling your child ‘careless’ is a self-fulfiling prophecy that would lower herself esteem. Allow your daughter to bear the responsibility of losing her belongings. By giving her a pen every morning after she has lost one, you are indirectly shielding her from the consequences of her irresponsibility.
Remember, you are training this girl to face life in the world not in your household. Let her know that there is a price to pay for even the simplest of mistakes in life. Without a clear sense of responsibility your daughter might not fit in this competitive world irrespective of educational qualifications.

jwagwau@newvision.co.ug 0772-631032

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