A year of bad fashion
<b>Brigitte and Flava<br>styling up tacky togs</b><br>Welcome to Flava Country: Leave it to TV's oddest couple to set a new standard for freaky fashion.
Brigitte and Flava
styling up tacky togs
Welcome to Flava Country: Leave it to TV's oddest couple to set a new standard for freaky fashion. Words nearly fail us as we gaze -- mouth agape -- at this image of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav, who are styling so many tacky togs -- from horrific headgear to matching magic-markered jeans -- we're nearly at a loss. Nearly. Brigitte proves it's not easy being green by sporting a furry pelt skinned from the love child of Kermit the Frog and the Abominable Snowman, which she unwisely pairs with a similarly hued newsboy cap (just … no) and sneakers. Meanwhile, Flava does his impression of a special edition Hummel figurine (preppy Viking clock edition) as he slips on horns and his signature ginormous clock, which, conveniently enough, shows the final 40 seconds of their 15 minutes of fame ticking down.
Kim loses it all!
It Was the Breast of Times, It Was the Worst of Times: Just two weeks ago, we were doing a happy dance because Lil' Kim had finally decided to wear clothes – honest-to-goodness, cover-her-ginormous-chest clothes. Now we’re swaying to the sad waltz of disappointment as we contemplate the extroverted hip-hop star’s red carpet ensemble at the VMAs. Kim is a big ol’ bust in a zebra print Carlos Miele design that’s clinging to her assets more tightly than Anna Nicole Smith at an octogenarian oilmen convention. To us, this isn’t just a dress, it’s a cry for help. See, once upon a time, Kim was an attractive young woman, but, sadly, she’s obliterated her former self by showing off an eye-averting amount of skin and breasts so large Boy Scouts could camp under them. We can only hope Fox debuts a Bizarro version of “The Swan,†in which women whose transformations have gone awry are made under instead of over. Now that we’d watch.
Peek-a-Boo Paris
Is anyone else hearing the lyrics to Barry Manilow’s “Copacabanaâ€, while looking at this photo? We figured Paris Hilton would probably end up working as a showgirl one day, but we didn’t think she’d jump into the role so soon. At the VMAs, the tanorexic “Simple Life†heiress gives us a glimpse of career opportunities to come in this revealing Roberto Cavalli creation. Perhaps Paris hoped to capture headlines if and when her barely legal bodice “accidentally†shifted and created a Janet Jackson moment, or maybe she truly thought this feather and strategically sequined fright was flattering on her lithe frame. Whatever her rationale, we suggest she either ditch this gaudy gown or embrace it by putting some “yellow feathers in her hair†and going where “music and passion are always in fashion.†Which, if this year’s snoozer of an MTV ceremony is any indication, definitely isn’t Miami.
Lost in damnation
Did Scarlett Johansson take a wrong turn on the way to a Flock of Seagulls concert and end up at the MTV Movie Awards? Or is she searching for the whip that will complete her naughty maid uniform? The actress slouches into Hollywood fashion infamy in this disastrous design, pairing her apron-like bandeau top with a racer-back yellow tank top and black short-shorts. Sadly, despite Scarlett's gorgeous gams, the oddball outfit does not improve when viewed from the rear. And we beg the actress to give her over-processed locks a breather, they're looking more fried than a bucket of the Colonel’s finest and about as healthy.
Hippie Dippy
Somewhere, a circus is missing a fortune-teller. Ashlee Simpson is a walking version of Cher's hit song "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" at the MTV Movie Awards, modeling a formless floral print matronly muumuu that would have Mrs. Roper exclaiming, "That's one damn ugly dress." Simpson has obviously learned nothing from her big sis Jessica, who is smart enough to show off her natural assets and to stay away from housecoats the color of the pea soup Linda Blair vomited up in "The Exorcist." And while we realize Ashlee is trying to create an image for herself separate from her bombshell blonde sibling, styling a dark shag-meets-femullet hairstyle is never ever the way to do it.
Winona’s Housecoat
Sadly, Winona Ryder's armpit is probably the least stinky part of her look. The actress, once considered a trendsetter (remember her beaded ivory flapper dress at the 1994 Oscars), arrives at the "Before Sunset" premiere looking like she's auditioning for the role of "Homeless Girl #3" on a Lifetime movie starring Markie Post. Ryder is disheveled and distracting in a tie-dye-gone-wrong negligee dress and printed housecoat that should be banished back to the thrift store from whence it came. Even the star's mane is unkempt, which is a quite a change for the woman who was determined to look her best even when on trial. Let's hope the rehabilitated Ryder ditches these criminally bad clothes for the decent designer duds of old.
Ends
styling up tacky togs
Welcome to Flava Country: Leave it to TV's oddest couple to set a new standard for freaky fashion. Words nearly fail us as we gaze -- mouth agape -- at this image of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav, who are styling so many tacky togs -- from horrific headgear to matching magic-markered jeans -- we're nearly at a loss. Nearly. Brigitte proves it's not easy being green by sporting a furry pelt skinned from the love child of Kermit the Frog and the Abominable Snowman, which she unwisely pairs with a similarly hued newsboy cap (just … no) and sneakers. Meanwhile, Flava does his impression of a special edition Hummel figurine (preppy Viking clock edition) as he slips on horns and his signature ginormous clock, which, conveniently enough, shows the final 40 seconds of their 15 minutes of fame ticking down.
Kim loses it all!
It Was the Breast of Times, It Was the Worst of Times: Just two weeks ago, we were doing a happy dance because Lil' Kim had finally decided to wear clothes – honest-to-goodness, cover-her-ginormous-chest clothes. Now we’re swaying to the sad waltz of disappointment as we contemplate the extroverted hip-hop star’s red carpet ensemble at the VMAs. Kim is a big ol’ bust in a zebra print Carlos Miele design that’s clinging to her assets more tightly than Anna Nicole Smith at an octogenarian oilmen convention. To us, this isn’t just a dress, it’s a cry for help. See, once upon a time, Kim was an attractive young woman, but, sadly, she’s obliterated her former self by showing off an eye-averting amount of skin and breasts so large Boy Scouts could camp under them. We can only hope Fox debuts a Bizarro version of “The Swan,†in which women whose transformations have gone awry are made under instead of over. Now that we’d watch.
Peek-a-Boo Paris
Is anyone else hearing the lyrics to Barry Manilow’s “Copacabanaâ€, while looking at this photo? We figured Paris Hilton would probably end up working as a showgirl one day, but we didn’t think she’d jump into the role so soon. At the VMAs, the tanorexic “Simple Life†heiress gives us a glimpse of career opportunities to come in this revealing Roberto Cavalli creation. Perhaps Paris hoped to capture headlines if and when her barely legal bodice “accidentally†shifted and created a Janet Jackson moment, or maybe she truly thought this feather and strategically sequined fright was flattering on her lithe frame. Whatever her rationale, we suggest she either ditch this gaudy gown or embrace it by putting some “yellow feathers in her hair†and going where “music and passion are always in fashion.†Which, if this year’s snoozer of an MTV ceremony is any indication, definitely isn’t Miami.
Lost in damnation
Did Scarlett Johansson take a wrong turn on the way to a Flock of Seagulls concert and end up at the MTV Movie Awards? Or is she searching for the whip that will complete her naughty maid uniform? The actress slouches into Hollywood fashion infamy in this disastrous design, pairing her apron-like bandeau top with a racer-back yellow tank top and black short-shorts. Sadly, despite Scarlett's gorgeous gams, the oddball outfit does not improve when viewed from the rear. And we beg the actress to give her over-processed locks a breather, they're looking more fried than a bucket of the Colonel’s finest and about as healthy.
Hippie Dippy
Somewhere, a circus is missing a fortune-teller. Ashlee Simpson is a walking version of Cher's hit song "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" at the MTV Movie Awards, modeling a formless floral print matronly muumuu that would have Mrs. Roper exclaiming, "That's one damn ugly dress." Simpson has obviously learned nothing from her big sis Jessica, who is smart enough to show off her natural assets and to stay away from housecoats the color of the pea soup Linda Blair vomited up in "The Exorcist." And while we realize Ashlee is trying to create an image for herself separate from her bombshell blonde sibling, styling a dark shag-meets-femullet hairstyle is never ever the way to do it.
Winona’s Housecoat
Sadly, Winona Ryder's armpit is probably the least stinky part of her look. The actress, once considered a trendsetter (remember her beaded ivory flapper dress at the 1994 Oscars), arrives at the "Before Sunset" premiere looking like she's auditioning for the role of "Homeless Girl #3" on a Lifetime movie starring Markie Post. Ryder is disheveled and distracting in a tie-dye-gone-wrong negligee dress and printed housecoat that should be banished back to the thrift store from whence it came. Even the star's mane is unkempt, which is a quite a change for the woman who was determined to look her best even when on trial. Let's hope the rehabilitated Ryder ditches these criminally bad clothes for the decent designer duds of old.
Ends