I am not a celeb
Sep 27, 2005
When Gaetano Kaggwa received a tumultuous welcome from the big brother house a couple of years ago, it was clear he was (and I think still is) a celebrity. He really deserved it — romping live on TV is no mean achievement!
When Gaetano Kaggwa received a tumultuous welcome from the big brother house a couple of years ago, it was clear he was (and I think still is) a celebrity. He really deserved it — romping live on TV is no mean achievement!
Hey, I have nothing against Gae, just trying to get an intro here and yes, I got it. Recently, I was experiencing some brain activity and had a very heated debate with some jomba, who kept on praising me. At one point, I thought the guy wanted to chow me… nga he praised me!
However, he lost it when he referred to me as a celebrity. Can you imagine, a bright Alur boy, who has done nothing for himself (but is in the process of doing something) being called a celeb? Give me a break! I believe I am just as ordinary as Ernest Bazanye lining up for a Super-titanic Rolex at Wandegeya!
The whole celebrity thing has lost meaning, you find a chap swaggering with pride like he fathers Angelina Jolie’s kid and then you think he is going to talk sense. Before you know it, he is asking you whether you know him and when you plead negative, he reminds you that he is the one who was written about in the Red Pepper that he was caught defecating in the middle of Kampala road! The guy thinks he has joined the celeb class, poor thing!
Today I will educate you. First of all, it defies modern-day definition. Scientists who win nobel prizes are not celebrities. Nor are politicians, yes, Mike Mukula could be Hollywood material, but I am afraid he is not a celebrity. Poets are not celebrities and Saggy is not a celebrity either!
The real celebrities are there to be seen. Chris Tucker, Oprah Winfrey and Tom Cruise are undisputed celebrities. Chameleone, Bobi Wine, Julianna, Steve Jean, Bebe Cool are what I would call celebrities.
In Uganda, we have had a few celebrities and a bevy of wannabe celebrities, we have had guys, who drive beer trucks being referred to as ‘beer celebs’. I have a list of people who would pay an arm and a leg to appear in ‘Have You Heard?’ and thereafter, they think they are celebs-celeb, my armpit! Well, pundits argue that one’s celebrity status is decided by their bank balance and I bet if that is the case, then I know all Uganda’s celebrities — I can actually count them off my ten fingers! However, I find a loophole here because realistically Gaetano did not have so much money on him when he came out of the Big brother house, but he signed autographs like a mad man!
That said, celebrity status has the highest mortality rate after infants in Sub-saharan Africa. One day everybody is praising you saying “you are the one†and the next day you are asking ‘lwaki temumatira?’
I also think celebrity and notoriety are bedmates, the fact that OJ Simpson was found guilty at his civil trial does not detract him from being a celebrity.
He is still on centre stage. Bebe Cool has been branded riotous, but his popularity soars by the second despite the branding. OJ and cool bring up a provocative question: What is a “notorious celebrity†worth? More than just a plain celebrity?
Ugandans blew the midnight candle gawking and giggling as they examined OJ’s case. His finances were a topic of discussion in bars and social hangout places. It turns out that Uganda’s society is more comfortable talking about sex than money. We just don’t talk about what we earn, what we spend, how much we owe, not even to closest friends.
So, naturally we are voyeurs when it comes to looking at a celebrity’s daily account sheet. Case in point: I was at a friend’s house and some young boys (I swear they are not my friends) burnt over six hours discussing who is richer between Sudhir and Karim. I ha-ha-d! It thrills us to hear how much Chameleone earns, the amount he borrowed from the bank, how much his electricity bill is and whether he tithes in church. Why? Because it brings him down to where we live. And it also raises us up!
Suffice it to say that celebrity is about glitz, fame and fortune; it is what we want to be. But beyond that, it is what we have in common. We used to have history in common, but who knows history anymore? We used to have common values, but who can say what they are? The common language is FM stations, TV and nude pictures.
Of course many people would like to condemn say Chameloene to life as a common man. On a salary of, say sh50,000 a month, in a neigbourhood, where he can hear a radio blaring and like his neighbours, he never knows where the money is coming from.
But it won’t happen. These guys will always be up there smiling at the sun and pulling maximum crowds and we, the uncelebrated, will go on supporting them in the manner in which they have become accustomed. You now know who the celebs are, so give me a break.
Ends
Hey, I have nothing against Gae, just trying to get an intro here and yes, I got it. Recently, I was experiencing some brain activity and had a very heated debate with some jomba, who kept on praising me. At one point, I thought the guy wanted to chow me… nga he praised me!
However, he lost it when he referred to me as a celebrity. Can you imagine, a bright Alur boy, who has done nothing for himself (but is in the process of doing something) being called a celeb? Give me a break! I believe I am just as ordinary as Ernest Bazanye lining up for a Super-titanic Rolex at Wandegeya!
The whole celebrity thing has lost meaning, you find a chap swaggering with pride like he fathers Angelina Jolie’s kid and then you think he is going to talk sense. Before you know it, he is asking you whether you know him and when you plead negative, he reminds you that he is the one who was written about in the Red Pepper that he was caught defecating in the middle of Kampala road! The guy thinks he has joined the celeb class, poor thing!
Today I will educate you. First of all, it defies modern-day definition. Scientists who win nobel prizes are not celebrities. Nor are politicians, yes, Mike Mukula could be Hollywood material, but I am afraid he is not a celebrity. Poets are not celebrities and Saggy is not a celebrity either!
The real celebrities are there to be seen. Chris Tucker, Oprah Winfrey and Tom Cruise are undisputed celebrities. Chameleone, Bobi Wine, Julianna, Steve Jean, Bebe Cool are what I would call celebrities.
In Uganda, we have had a few celebrities and a bevy of wannabe celebrities, we have had guys, who drive beer trucks being referred to as ‘beer celebs’. I have a list of people who would pay an arm and a leg to appear in ‘Have You Heard?’ and thereafter, they think they are celebs-celeb, my armpit! Well, pundits argue that one’s celebrity status is decided by their bank balance and I bet if that is the case, then I know all Uganda’s celebrities — I can actually count them off my ten fingers! However, I find a loophole here because realistically Gaetano did not have so much money on him when he came out of the Big brother house, but he signed autographs like a mad man!
That said, celebrity status has the highest mortality rate after infants in Sub-saharan Africa. One day everybody is praising you saying “you are the one†and the next day you are asking ‘lwaki temumatira?’
I also think celebrity and notoriety are bedmates, the fact that OJ Simpson was found guilty at his civil trial does not detract him from being a celebrity.
He is still on centre stage. Bebe Cool has been branded riotous, but his popularity soars by the second despite the branding. OJ and cool bring up a provocative question: What is a “notorious celebrity†worth? More than just a plain celebrity?
Ugandans blew the midnight candle gawking and giggling as they examined OJ’s case. His finances were a topic of discussion in bars and social hangout places. It turns out that Uganda’s society is more comfortable talking about sex than money. We just don’t talk about what we earn, what we spend, how much we owe, not even to closest friends.
So, naturally we are voyeurs when it comes to looking at a celebrity’s daily account sheet. Case in point: I was at a friend’s house and some young boys (I swear they are not my friends) burnt over six hours discussing who is richer between Sudhir and Karim. I ha-ha-d! It thrills us to hear how much Chameleone earns, the amount he borrowed from the bank, how much his electricity bill is and whether he tithes in church. Why? Because it brings him down to where we live. And it also raises us up!
Suffice it to say that celebrity is about glitz, fame and fortune; it is what we want to be. But beyond that, it is what we have in common. We used to have history in common, but who knows history anymore? We used to have common values, but who can say what they are? The common language is FM stations, TV and nude pictures.
Of course many people would like to condemn say Chameloene to life as a common man. On a salary of, say sh50,000 a month, in a neigbourhood, where he can hear a radio blaring and like his neighbours, he never knows where the money is coming from.
But it won’t happen. These guys will always be up there smiling at the sun and pulling maximum crowds and we, the uncelebrated, will go on supporting them in the manner in which they have become accustomed. You now know who the celebs are, so give me a break.
Ends