Imagine how ballistic Christmas would be!

Dec 10, 2004

The biggest birthday bash in the world is here. Emmanuel J. Christriano a.k.a Jesus Christ is throwing a bash slated for December 25, where everyone is going to have a blast.

The biggest birthday bash in the world is here. Emmanuel J. Christriano a.k.a Jesus Christ is throwing a bash slated for December 25, where everyone is going to have a blast.
People are going to drink themselves into coma, have sex like a problem, and eat and smoke heavily.
Everywhere I turn these days, I hear those sentimental songs blaring out of speaker after the other, you have heard the Jingle Bells, then there is this one that goes like ding-dong ... something.. something I don't know why someone would want to relate a ding-dong to Christmas. I mean this is total blasphemy because we all know during Jesus’ time there were no ding dongs (even Mary was a virgin). Seriously that song that has the word ding-dong should be banned from the Christmas play list.
That said, I am still trying to comprehend the madness warped around this day. Can you imagine an entire tree specie (the X-mas tree) is depleted en-masse and NEMA is just there looking. I have a birthday every year but no one ever gives a hoot about the fact that my mum actually pushed a genius-toot ...toot! How comes we go bananas over the birth of some chap whose existence is a subject of debate.
I have analysed this whole Christmas thing and come to a conclusion that the Bible story needs to be amended to suit the current situation. I hereby implore dramatist Ken Lukyamuzi to move this motion in Parliament. We need all the bibles in Uganda amended so that we can enjoy our Christmas better.
Whatever we do every Christmas is based on that true story of a child in the stable. Just imagine if this whole baby Jesus thing were to happen today, it would be for world cup.
First of all, Moses would have unleashed two hot slaps on Mary in a bid to find out how she got pregnant when they had not done it. More to that, Timothy Bukumunhe would have, by now, given us lugambo doubting Moses' abilities when it comes to conjugal issues — how can you stay with a woman and she remains a virgin?
Jesus would not be born in a stable, he would be born in Ian Clarke's IHK and since it is now fashionable, Mary would probably ask for a Caesarean section.
The three wise men wouldn't be from the East, since history has proved that the east has since run out of wise men, the only people they have there are not wise, they just make noise (eat your hearts out Opondo and Odoi?). As a matter of fact, the three wise men would be from West Nile (Nebbi to be precise) and we would come with Angara, Tobacco and Pedu (Gold, frankincense and myrrh are very difficult to get these days, you have to be chasing rebels in Congo!). This entourage would have Saggy, Archbishop Orombi and Patrick Oyulu! On hearing about Jesus' birth, King Herod – in this case Sabagabe Kaguta — would be scared that there's someone threatening his popularity. I guess he would ask Afande Mugira to find out whether there is any PRA involvement.
You would hear that ISO, DMI and the entire Mutagamba squad have stormed a certain carpenter's house and are interrogating a child who cannot speak. Yes, these chaps can do anything, ask Anselm Besigye!
On learning that they are being investigated, Joseph and the family would probably flee into neighbouring Rwanda and chill there until after 2006!
Eeh, before I forget, this news would hit international press and Ariel Sharon would send jet fighters and migs to rescue Jesus.
He would, however, be shocked that there is no truth in this whole story but just the ranting of a brainless Alur here in Kampala.
Ends

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