Is your child lazy, look on the bright side

AS Rachael Mukisa stared at the long list of Cs and Ds on her 10-year-old son's report card, her hand trembled and her face was full of rage. The boy stood with his head bowed in total silence as his mother directed sharp criticisms against him. "Didn't I warn you that this was going to happen? Your problem is you're just plain lazy." Infuriated by the boy's silence, she added: "There is no point in even trying to talk to you. You are never going to accomplish anything!" Like any other concerned parent, Rachael, a teacher and mother of four had just bombarded her son with three types of remarks that experts say are among the most harmful to children. A self-righteous, "Didn't I warn you" statement, a negative label, "You're just plain lazy," and a blanket condemnation of his future, "You are never going to accomplish anything." Wrapped in her own anger and frustration, she had demeaned her son and made a bad situation worse. Now and then, parents, teachers and other adults say insensitive things to children. Psychologists believe that a persistent pattern of such remarks may do lifelong damage to the child. "Children pick up most of their communication skills at home," says George Mupaghasi, a lecturer in Child Psychology at Bugema University. "Children who are consistently insulted and criticised by parents tend to become adults who resort to the same negative language. This may cause difficulties in their job as well as with their own children later in life," he adds. Child experts have pinpointed four of the most common and destructive statements that you can make. You should have done it this way. In their book The self-confident child, Dr Jean Yoder and William Proctor describe an infant who, after much effort, learns to tie his shoe laces. He proudly shows his father. "That's great," the father says, "but you should have made sure your shoes were on the right feet." According to these psychologists, when praise is mixed with criticism the child tends to focus on the down side. The criticism eclipses the praise so much that the child fails to see the bright side. Charles Nsubuga, a P7 pupil at Highfield Junior Academy believes that children would improve more if teachers were to focus on the bright side. "I get so much blame from some teachers that I wonder whether I am really worth any praise," he says. Psychologists also believe that constructive criticism delivered at a wrong moment may sting and fail to yield positive results. Phoebe Kyomukama, a lecturer in child growth and development at the institute of teacher Education Kyambogo (ITEK), notes that teasing or any form of verbal abuse coming from parents is the most painful of all. "Children look to their parents as a mirror to tell them who they are. Statements like 'You are such a fool. I wasn't expecting anything better than this from you,' have lasting damage," she says. Dorothy Wandira, a teacher in Jinja recalls the day her daughter announced: "Mummy I hate grandma." Instinctively Wandira rose to her mother's defence. "That's a terrible thing to say," she snapped. "Ÿou don't mean that!" Wandira quickly realised that she had told her daughter that her feelings didn't count. When we continually deny their feelings, our children get the message that they shouldn't express them. They begin to feel that they are supposed to keep anger and other emotions to themselves. Janet Mukisa recalls: "My child would greet me proudly carrying his art work. "Mummy" he would say, "look what I made today!" And I would answer, 'Not now. I'll look at it when we get home." To the child that says 'you and your work aren't worth my time.' The writer is a teacher, counsellor. So this holiday watch your words "There are times of course when every father or mother has to tell a child to wait until later," says sister Tinkamanyire, a lecturer of childhood and adolescent counselling at ITEK. "But a persistent pattern of putting him off can leave a lasting impact, she adds. As we try to sort out which types of remarks are harmful, it helps to keep in mind some advice from Miriam Stoppard, broadcaster and author of Test Your Child "Children are loan needing approbation They are always better taught by praise and reward than by ...blame and punishment. Anything which erodes a child's self-confidence or self-esteem acts as a check on healthy growth and development. "The writer is a teacher counsellor, at Highfield Junior Academy. Ends