Break up pain is inevitable, but healing is optional

By Juliet Kasirye

CAROL Nalule was deeply in love, but felt her guy did not love her back the way she wanted.

“At first, I thought that showing my devotion would convince him to love me back,” she said. “But after spending all my energy, I discovered I was wasting my time. People were telling me to let go. When you are out of it, it looks easy but when you are in it, it is the most difficult process.”

Nalule confesses that letting go is a very lengthy and painful experience.

But with patience, anyone can pick up the pieces, rebuild their self esteem and rise up with new life goals, she says.

Healing a broken heart is a slow, painful experience, Hilary Bainemigisha, a relationship counsellor explains.

At the beginning, you may actually believe you will never heal. But with time you do and even look back to the painful times with wonder, he says.

“Unfortunately, whoever chooses to love exposes him or herself to heartbreak. So, all lovers are potential candidates of disappointment,” he says.

Bainemigisha uses the analogy of the recently-concluded elections to explain how different people react to rejection.

Some conceded, others resorted to violence, others appealed to court and others still to higher authorities.

Among all these were those who became bitter and vengeful, and others who swallowed their pride and moved on. Similarly, when a love expires, the abandoned has to handle feelings of disappointment, shock, fear or panic, anger, resentment, shame, revenge, and pessimism.

“Some handle it well and heal sooner, while others stumble, which delays their healing process and leaves bigger scars.”

Stella Kyomuhangi shares her experience. “He said he did not want to speak to me again and would not tell me why. Letting go, with the knowledge that you may never get all the answers, is an ordeal next to none. It is very confusing and hurtful.”

Rose Kirabo has just recovered from a broken heart and is willing to share her experience. “Time is a great healer,” she says. “Instead of battling the loss in your mind, it is always essential to set your mind free by taking a holiday and permitting time to heal your wounds.”

Letting go is not an ending but a new beginning, she advises. Open your mind to new things and experiences other than holding onto the dying love. “You must learn to love yourself. You have only one life. Don’t hand it over to a person who doesn’t deserve you to destroy it”

Paul Nyende, a counselling psychologist at Makerere University, says when you feel dangerous emotions like emptiness, anger and murder creeping up on you, it is time to let go. Failing to accept defeat always leads to devastation and the more you cling on to someone, the more you slit your self apart, he says.

Nyende however advises that before you throw in your towel, seek professional counselling from experts, advice from senior friends, family and society’s elders.

Wilber Karugahe, a counselling psychologist at Kyambogo University advises the broken hearted to have positive self fulfilling perceptions like she was not of my status, I deserved a better person, God loves me, etc.

Karugahe says love is categorized in three parts: Passionate love, which is the love for sex; intimate love, which is the true love and commitment love where people are loyal to each other because of external factors like time, children, experiences and investments. Intimate love is the most painful experience because it takes long to heal.

“Letting go of a person you love intimately is not a smooth forward journey,” he says. “The journey is peppered with steps forward and steps backward and it does not happen over night.”

Joseph Musaalo, the counselling psychologist at Uganda Christian University, observes that the moment you allow your partner to step on your valves, self respect and self esteem because you are afraid to be dumped - as if there are no other capable lovers left in the world, you are preparing yourself for a mega heartbreak.