My speech to the newly weds

May 18, 2011

HE is now dead. That means I can safely quote him. During my wedding in 1995, he gave me a cow. When I went to pick it, he burst out laughing! “You do not know me,” he said. Now you do congratulations.

By Hilary Bainemigisha

HE is now dead. That means I can safely quote him. During my wedding in 1995, he gave me a cow. When I went to pick it, he burst out laughing! “You do not know me,” he said. Now you do congratulations.

You see, nobody puts me on the speech lineup yet I have wonderful words of wisdom for the newly marrieds.

So, I use the cow gift excuse to get the microphone, give you my advice and a cow or goat, depending on my level of excitement. But do not worry. Consider that I gave you the cow, which you paid me back for the advice I gave you. My advice is that expensive he he he he!”

Today, I also have a cow to give within the same context. Our bride, Mr Yoweri Kaguta Museveni, is wedding my and everyone’s sister, Uganda, and the function is at Kololo airstrip in Kampala. The mic is in my hands and here I go:

Muko, my sister, Uganda, chose you from many suitors. OK, you lavished us with lots of gifts and the Muko chicken we got is safely digested within us. But so did the other suitors.

That means Uganda chose you not because of the outings but you were the most outstanding and convincing in the love you promised our sister. (Pause for applause). Not only did we vote for you overwhelmingly, but we also saved you from Nsaba Butuuro who once spread rumours that you were very devastated, something unacceptable for a revolutionary.

I have been given five minutes, which I guess is enough to deliver my five tablets of wisdom.

One: Look at our sister, very beautiful in her white veil! I am sure you can see her oil, milk, coffee, and agree that she is generally gifted by nature. But she also has some flaws.

She has been through violent marriages, has floods, potholes, HIV, no railway, lakes we cannot use for irrigation and a negligible manufacturing sector.

I would have privately wondered why you were still interested in her if I had not considered you too.

She is not an angel but, luckily enough, you too, Muko, are not an angel in spite of your great attributes.

You cannot dance stamina, you do not know how to beep and you recently fell down with the ball at Namboole instead of shooting into the goal. See?

So, in your marriage, Uganda will annoy you so many times. Just remember she is not perfect as you, yourself are not perfect too (Pause for applause).

I am told the distance between you and violence is not long enough. Banyankore men are known for beating their wives for such flimsy reasons as walking to work. Spare our sister because you may annoy your in-laws and friends.

Treat your bride and us your in-laws with love and respect because we have entrusted you with our love, the vote, and our sister. Go slow in punishing those who complain about your rule because they take you as their Muko. When you turn to talk to Kayihura, it should not be your favourite Mp’enkoni (give me that stick) but ‘Bakwate gye’ (Handle them with care).

Our sister was once married to a guy named UPC. He harassed the guys he competed with to get her, thinking that since Uganda and her people had not voted for them, they were inconsequential.

In the end, they ganged up against him and disorganised his marriage till it died.

We did not even refund his bride price! Maybe a different strategy would not be such a bad idea. You do not have to love your rivals; just tolerate them and treat them as if they are honourable men. Our sister Uganda will respect you for that.

Your wedding party has cost a lot of money; sh3b! That shows the love you have for your bride and her people despite the poverty. When we, your in-laws visit you, we may expect similar extravagance. But most importantly, sh3b must reflect your devotion to the marriage.

The cost will hurt us should you two start bickering soon after, resort to marital violence, fail to cure our sister of the potholes on her face and the poverty of her people. It sort of sets a standard by which the marriage must progress henceforth.

Lastly, Muko; you have lots of in-laws. I will not introduce them now but they all asked me to ask you to treat them equally.

Some men make a few of their in-laws untouchable. That encourages them to steal money and get away with it. But when a few other in-laws talk or complain about you, Muko, they are hounded off the compound and punished with great venom as if they are worse than the thieves who steal money in billions.

The Emcee says time is up. I will use the last second to wish you a successful, stress free marriage. God bless you.

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