Fear, respect two different things

Jul 14, 2011

I am at it again. Yes, I am scrutinising this thing in our lives called ‘culture’. It has no name, and it is the voice of many, it is the whisper in the dark. <br>No one can actually say they have heard Culture speak or seen Culture move. Yet, Culture is just as present and as real as a heartb

What lies beneath with Ilonka Naziwa
I am at it again. Yes, I am scrutinising this thing in our lives called ‘culture’. It has no name, and it is the voice of many, it is the whisper in the dark.
No one can actually say they have heard Culture speak or seen Culture move. Yet, Culture is just as present and as real as a heartbeat.

Now in regard to Culture, I want to address the belief that fear and respect are somewhat similar.

As a child growing up, it is somehow imparted in us that we must respect our elders and the respect is demonstrated through: the need to please at all times, suppression of individuality, and a demonstration of fear of the elder.

A child grows up knowing that you can never say no to an elder nor can you express your personal opinion in forum where you are not familiar with the stakeholders; no matter how ground-breakingly smart your opinion may be.

It teaches not to look elders in the eyes, to speak in low tones, and to choose words carefully as you speak them.

Now in the Western world all those mannerisms are synonymous with ‘telling untruths’. I am not trying to advocate for western mannerisms, but I think we should start being wise in the way we live, because we have all heard of the term ‘global village’.

The rules are changing, and we the players have to step our game up.
I recently witnessed a scene that broke my heart. I have a little boy whom I am trying very hard to teach independence, honesty and confidence.

Having myself been brought up in a society where a child was expected to respect (read: fear) elders, the lessons I have been teaching my son, I have taught myself through my sojourn through life so far.

I am therefore not an expert and I rejoice greatly when I do see any signs of progress in him.

On this particular day, I happened to drop my son at school and for some reason, I had to explain to his class teacher something in regards to him needing help in some area. The teacher had pleasantly agreed and as I walked out of the class, I heard her call to him.

Out of curiosity, I decided to observe their exchange. On being called, my son scrambled to his feet like he had been waiting for her to summon him.

With head bent, gaze averted, and a voice so inaudible, I doubted it was his; he stood by the teacher and slowly fidgeted with his fingers as she gave her instructions.

The whole scene reminded me of his puppy on being reprimanded on something naughty it had done.
My heart broke for I realised that I tried so hard in the four or so hours that I have with him daily, to give him a better foundation than mine; the school system he was in for six or more hours of the day was ensuring that he turns out to be a timid, people-pleasing young man with the inability to allow his personality to grow and develop.

Do you wonder why in some organisations, people can stay in same positions for decades, and young, more able-bodied people never progress? I can name a few of those organisations.

Have you ever heard it said anywhere that Ugandans have no character? I have many times! Have you also heard that Ugandans are not straight forward?

Basically, we do not say what we mean, and we do not mean what we say. I have also heard that many times. In fact, this one I have witnessed on innumerable occasions.

I have watched myself, friends, relatives suffer consequences of always trying to please, of being afraid to tell the truth, of tip-toeing around elders.

Some of these consequences have been dire and at all times the whole act of trying to maintain culture status quo has not paid off. So if we are not reaping anything from this culture of ‘fearing’ elders.

Why are we holding on to these mannerisms? Respect has nothing to do with fear, if anything respect is all about honesty and recognition of individuality.
This warped belief that fear and respect are synonymous is a culture trait that we should try to get rid off as soon as ‘now’.

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