I fell head over heels for my step dad
Dec 07, 2011
With more couples separating and remarrying, the step father- step daughter relationships are becoming common and in a number of cases, the parties have crossed the line, resulting into crushes, flings and eventually a sexual relationship.
By Michael Kanaabi
With more couples separating and remarrying, the step father- step daughter relationships are becoming common and in a number of cases, the parties have crossed the line, resulting into crushes, flings and eventually a sexual relationship.
Step parents both moms and dads are usually castigated for mistreating their step children and it is only fair to acknowledge that there are so many of them out there who give their step-children the best care and material things they can afford.
Outside how well or badly step children are treated by their step parents, the closeness developed by step-parents and step-children can sometimes get out of hand, especially when they are of opposite sexes.
Experiences
Pamela spent her teens seeing her mother cheat on her dad, who was an army man, and was often far away from home on duty. “This I found out when one of my friends tipped me after her mother told her about it. My dad also found out soon and had a bitter separation with my mother, who moved to her new man’s house with my two siblings and I,” she says.
Pamela adds that her step-dad treated her well, buying her a car and giving her more than she could ask for.
Initially she thought he just wanted to buy her love by being a great step-dad until he expressed his feelings for her when she was at university.
Initially, she resisted his sexual advances, but having never forgiven her mother for separating with her dad and feeling that she owed her step-dad because of the attention and gifts he bestowed on her, she gave in to a secret intimate relationship with him.
Rita, on the other hand, had never spent more than a day with her biological father having been a result of a relationship between her then young mother and a sugar daddy, who was married. Rita’s mother eventually got married to a man younger than her.
“From the day he moved in, I didn’t know what to make of him because as much as I tried to treat him like a father, it just didn’t make sense since I had just met him and he also looked quite young. Over the years we seemed to connect more considering that he was 10 years younger than my mother. Besides, we shared the same interests. We started going dancing together, to the beach and one thing led to another as we got so close soon finding ourselves in bed together after those late nights out, while mom was dead asleep.”
Why would a step-father get involved with their step-daughter?
Suppressed anger and unforgiveness on the daughter’s side, according to Anita Karugaba, a psychologist. She says in many cases, such anger arises when a child feels sidelined, abandoned or abused by the mother and as they grow older, they develop the desire to revenge, when given the opportunity.
Related to that, Karugaba adds that a number of step daughters, who have ended up with their mother’s men, cite the fact that their mothers cheated on, hurt and led to the breakup of the relationships the mothers had with their fathers so they want to revenge that misdeed by their mothers.
Karugaba adds that when mothers date or marry men much younger than them, their new catches are bound to be closer to their daughters in age, which can create room for such relationships to thrive.
She says “In many of these cases the stepdaughter and dad start to connect over time as they seem to know and appreciate the same things creating room for them to spend a lot of time together. As innocent as it may look sometimes romantic feelings may develop and a serious relationship blossoms between them as a result.”
If you decide to pursue the affair
The mere suspicion that this is happening is bound to cause mistrust to creep into the family. On discovering that there is an intimate relationship between a step-father and his daughter, it could tear the family apart as everyone tries to come to terms with the relationship, according to Charles Kaggwa, a marriage counsellor.
He adds, that disharmony will come in as the family as members become suspicious of each other and start to disagree on even the smallest of matters, because of something more fundamental, which in many cases everyone is reluctant to air out.
With disharmony taking root, family breakdown becomes inevitable as everyone involved starts to look at the other as the bad person and sometimes even drawing in extended family, which also gets divided as different family members back whoever they think is right in this situation.
And in any case if this illicit relationship continues and the step-daughter bears children with her step-dad, Joan Mubezi, a counsellor, says the disharmony and wrangles that come with it will cross over into the next generation more so if the step-dad had any property and the family had to share it.
Nip the relationship in the bud
This kind of relationship just doesn’t happen over night as it begins with subtly like the eye contact, the touching and before you know it the crush has become irreversible, according to counsellor Joan Mubezi.
It’s at this stage that you need to gather courage and break the silence before the relationship goes out of hand.
Mubezi says that anger and revenge being a major reason cited by step-daughters, who decide to go in for their step-dads, forgiveness is one of the virtues they should embrace to avoid this kind of confusion.
Whether it comes before or after they confess, the step-daughter in this case being the person carrying the anger needs to let it out by sharing with someone they trust and seeing a counsellor as this will help them start to forgive and let go which in turn will reduce on the chances of them revenging this way when they get opportunity.
Dr. Moses Muntu, another counsellor, adds that there is need to avoid being caught in compromising places, for example late night together when the mother and wife, is asleep, out in a bar or club together because they places make it much easier for you to cross the line.
He concludes that as the mother and wife in this case you need to take note of any early signs and probe in a subtle way as this will give you a hint on when to step in and prevent your man from getting intimate with your daughter.
Get over it,move on
Dr. Moses Muntu, a counsellor, says breaking the silence in a non-confrontational manner is the first step in dealing with the affair.
Find another man, if you are the stepdaughter in the affair, according to Muntu. This will help you shift the focus from your step father to the new man.
Muntu also advises seeking professional counselling as a family because this involves both parents and the step-daughter. Individual sessions for each of the members with a counsellor to deal with the issues affecting the family as a result of this relationship and joint group sessions to forge ahead as a unit.
Involve extended family, especially elders to draw boundaries for you since this is likely to divide them.
Involve church and fellowship groups in dealing with this problem according to Pastor Alfred Kibirige of Glory Church Makindye as they will give you some guidance on how to solve it, stand with you and encourage you as you go through the healing and rehabilitation.
If after trying to resolve the problem with the tips above and you are not making headway, then you may need to separate the family either by sending the stepfather away or taking the daughter to live elsewhere. It may also involve the mother divorcing or separating from this man because his morals are wanting and no woman deserves such a man.
Adapted from Her vision,New vision.