An idiot's guide to working from home in Covidian times

We have been put under mandatory home confinement as a result of the coronavirus outbreak and been asked to start working from home as both a precautionary and preventive measure.

Of course, many Ugandans when asked to stay home instead of trekking to work every morning welcomed the move; all they could see is a chance to go about their private businesses on company time.

Those with pigs that need some tender loving care made plans to go spend their time away from the office in sties, some embarked on supervising stalled chicken house projects while others went gumboot shopping in preparation for a full month of tending to gardens they rarely get to see.

Admittedly, Ugandans are rarely productive, even in formal work settings so only corona knows how unproductive they are going to be when left to execute assignments on their own.

No-fault of their own, new stay at home workers do not know what to do with their newly found freedom.

Many are already in various WhatsApp groups asking for tips on how to be productive at home and the pieces of advice are hilarious.

One said what works for them is to dress up like they are going to work, then sit at their home desk and work away till 5:00 pm!

Obviously, that was rejected; why create more clothes to wash when your house is your only oyster? And who works till their actual clocking out time when the boss is not watching?

Unless bosses ask for a live feed of us actually at our home desks working, only those who went to Mt St Mary's Namagunga will work religiously even when no one is watching.

The rest of us lack self-discipline and we certainly are not going to find it in tweny tweny or is it twenty twenty now!

As those with informal projects rejoiced, brothers were dreading the experience of working from home, especially now that kids are also home for previously unscheduled holidays.

Children, though lovely, can only be taken in small doses; you leave them in the morning then go back to them in the evening for a few hours before they go to bed.

Dealing with them for twenty-four hours is already driving otherwise loving parents mad. Some parents have resorted to playing dead just so their children can leave them alone for a few minutes of solitude.

There is a reason why children are not allowed in the work environment; they are a godsend distraction even to those who proudly call themselves workaholics.

It is mummy this, daddy that and sadly you cannot lock them up in one room till you are done with work because that would be considered child is solo dining like the unwanted souls they are!

It will all take some getting used to, but that is the price we pay for not fully adhering to set precautions in the fight against a deadly disease.

If we had all listened and not gone phone screen guard shopping in Dubai, it would still be business as usual with just a few minor changes to our way of life.

Maybe next time we shall pay more attention so that we do not feel like caged animals in our own homes.

Our only prayer is that employers do not realise how useless we really are and decide to send us home for good or make this working from wherever you are thing permanent because some would certainly lose their minds.

abuse; locking them outside is even worse.

Moving away from the little bundles of mischief, the most affected by this working from home thing are work spouses and side dishes.

It will be a month or even more before some people can freely flirt at work or link up with their other illegitimate halves again.

Now they have to face their spouses on a daily basis for hours on end and it cannot be easy!

Few people make an effort to look sexy and presentable at home so while mama Ryan is flapping her Stella Nyanzi breasts about in an oversized nightie, hubby is trying to block out that traumatising image by daydreaming about Brenda in accounting.

They cannot be on WhatsApp all the time because the official spouses will get suspicious so all these locked-up spouses can do is pray that the virus is tamed so they can go back to their wanton ways.

There is no one to direct their lecherous gazes to and life as they know it is at a standstill.

With bars closed and no football to legally let them out of the house for few hours to escape their spouses, most husbands think this coronavirus and subsequent restrictions are their hell on earth; they now believe the devil is real.

This working from home thing is new to most people and proving to be difficult.

Whereas one was used to having that coffee break at the nearest café and their lunch at the nearest restaurant, they now find themselves going to lunch in their kitchen and for those who live alone, it is solo dining like the unwanted souls they are!

It will all take some getting used to, but that is the price we pay for not fully adhering to set precautions in the fight against a deadly disease.

If we had all listened and not gone phone screen guard shopping in Dubai, it would still be business as usual with just a few minor changes to our way of life.

Maybe next time we shall pay more attention so that we do not feel like caged animals in our own homes.

Our only prayer is that employers do not realise how useless we really are and decide to send us home for good or make this working from wherever you are thing permanent because some would certainly lose their minds.

This article was originally published in The Kampala Sun