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He is too close to his mum

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Added 14th March 2019 01:55 PM

The family is close-knit and he tells them all about his problems and plans and I am always left in the dark.

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The family is close-knit and he tells them all about his problems and plans and I am always left in the dark.

MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS

My husband is closer to his mother and sisters than me.

The family is close-knit and he tells them all about his problems and plans and I am always left in the dark. How can I make him change?

Disgruntled Wife

EXPERT OPINION

Dear Disgruntled Wife,

People get married to live happy and fulfilling lives by leaving, cleaving and clinging to one another. This is achieved when there are proper channels of communication and boundaries set to protect the marriage from external pressures. Oftentimes, some couples fail to know how to adjust the relationships with their families of origin after they have gotten married.

Some partners are not well-equipped to handle loyalty issues, which results in confl ict. For those who go through professional pre–marital counselling, family of origin issues are discussed and in-law relationship is among topics that are widely discussed. Both parties are able to get information from a neutral person on how to keep ties with their families of origin but at the same time learn new skills and techniques on how to bond with their spouses.

Your concern is not a new phenomenon in marriage and if not handled well, it can have very negative consequences. You need to be courageous and tactful without blaming in order for you to get positive results. It is your right and duty to express your unhappiness about the way your husband is not involving you in his life. How are you fairing in communication as a couple?

How do you relate with your own family of origin? Could it be that both of you are struggling with the same challenge? Could there be some expectations and aspects of his life to which you have not adequately rhymed?

Do you involve him in your plans? Depending on the answers to  the above questions, you may need to get an opportune time and candidly discuss with him your concerns, emphasising that you love him, respect and wish him well but you need to sit in your chair as a wife.

CLEMENCE BYOMUHANGI
COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGIST
 
 

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